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Substance Abuse
He finally called
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 696180" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>TL. We are in similar positions. I told my son to leave last Monday, after maybe 5 months with me. He was doing progressively better--until he was not. He hit a wall. Was it the marijuana use? Untreated mental illness? Having to follow our rules? Or had I made it too easy for him? I do not know.</p><p></p><p>I was insisting he get treatment in order to stay, because for a second time recently he destroyed property--first fridge door and then a wall. I could not allow my son to believe it was OK to damage property.</p><p></p><p>So why do I feel we are in similar positions? Your son is out there--you are choosing to help him. My son is out there--I am not.I agree here. There is the illusion that by denying them access, resources, we can control their making better choices. I do not think it is the case. To this extent I am in agreement.</p><p></p><p>In a sense I allowed myself access to resource--and to me--believing it would encourage better behavior and choices. To some extent, it did--until it did not. The driver in this was him. Not me.</p><p></p><p>When it was in my face--I, unable to ignore his poor choices--I had no choice.</p><p></p><p>Allowing them to maintain access to resources provided by us, while they self-destruct or destroy. Is it the degree, that makes it dangerous, and subtly enabling? I am not sure.</p><p></p><p>I remain sure I had no choice. At the same time, I see your position. And I respect it. You stay in the game, tolerating ambiguity. I see Lil as doing this--seeing her every decision as nuanced. And Lovemyson, I think it was, tried to do it too--until her son's relapse made this course impossible.</p><p></p><p>I, too, cannot watch my son go to the bottom. And stay there. And watch him suffer and become more desperate. He is in a psychiatric hospital right now. Or maybe just out. There was a phone call this morning that I did not reach in time. I think it was him. He is at a choice point. He has a new SSI check. And insurance authorization to enter a dual diagnosis residential treatment center. Which choice will he make? I am hopeful that the phone call was him--and that he will choose correctly. Or possibly he wanted to tell me he was on his way home--presenting me again with the problem--in the form of himself at my doorstep.</p><p></p><p>But whatever the possible iteration I know I will not turn him away. I did that for over 4 years. It did not work. What will work, I am unsure, but like you, I know it has not a thing with what I do or do not do.</p><p>No. It is not being on the street, destitute and desperate that helps them. But what does helping do for them? Sustain them, living the same way? Encouraging them to manipulate and deceive us? To believe the solution to each of their problems and needs, lies in their lies to us?That is the bottom line. Except I will go even farther. I am at peace knowing my son is close to me, near me. There was a time I could feel peace when I knew he was OK, where he was. Now, even this is eroded. He really has nowhere to go except a hospital or a treatment facility--anywhere away from me. He has no place else and no illusion that such a place exists. This makes it very loaded for both of us. It increases his sense of dependency and it increases my sense of vulnerability and desperation. It is like we are both in the same pressure cooker. I do not see a way out of it, and I do not think he does either.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 696180, member: 18958"] TL. We are in similar positions. I told my son to leave last Monday, after maybe 5 months with me. He was doing progressively better--until he was not. He hit a wall. Was it the marijuana use? Untreated mental illness? Having to follow our rules? Or had I made it too easy for him? I do not know. I was insisting he get treatment in order to stay, because for a second time recently he destroyed property--first fridge door and then a wall. I could not allow my son to believe it was OK to damage property. So why do I feel we are in similar positions? Your son is out there--you are choosing to help him. My son is out there--I am not.I agree here. There is the illusion that by denying them access, resources, we can control their making better choices. I do not think it is the case. To this extent I am in agreement. In a sense I allowed myself access to resource--and to me--believing it would encourage better behavior and choices. To some extent, it did--until it did not. The driver in this was him. Not me. When it was in my face--I, unable to ignore his poor choices--I had no choice. Allowing them to maintain access to resources provided by us, while they self-destruct or destroy. Is it the degree, that makes it dangerous, and subtly enabling? I am not sure. I remain sure I had no choice. At the same time, I see your position. And I respect it. You stay in the game, tolerating ambiguity. I see Lil as doing this--seeing her every decision as nuanced. And Lovemyson, I think it was, tried to do it too--until her son's relapse made this course impossible. I, too, cannot watch my son go to the bottom. And stay there. And watch him suffer and become more desperate. He is in a psychiatric hospital right now. Or maybe just out. There was a phone call this morning that I did not reach in time. I think it was him. He is at a choice point. He has a new SSI check. And insurance authorization to enter a dual diagnosis residential treatment center. Which choice will he make? I am hopeful that the phone call was him--and that he will choose correctly. Or possibly he wanted to tell me he was on his way home--presenting me again with the problem--in the form of himself at my doorstep. But whatever the possible iteration I know I will not turn him away. I did that for over 4 years. It did not work. What will work, I am unsure, but like you, I know it has not a thing with what I do or do not do. No. It is not being on the street, destitute and desperate that helps them. But what does helping do for them? Sustain them, living the same way? Encouraging them to manipulate and deceive us? To believe the solution to each of their problems and needs, lies in their lies to us?That is the bottom line. Except I will go even farther. I am at peace knowing my son is close to me, near me. There was a time I could feel peace when I knew he was OK, where he was. Now, even this is eroded. He really has nowhere to go except a hospital or a treatment facility--anywhere away from me. He has no place else and no illusion that such a place exists. This makes it very loaded for both of us. It increases his sense of dependency and it increases my sense of vulnerability and desperation. It is like we are both in the same pressure cooker. I do not see a way out of it, and I do not think he does either. [/QUOTE]
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