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He left our home
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 645767"><p>CM-I had a very similar situation with my own difficult child son when he was 19. Though the volatility from that time has dissipated and our relationship is a lot more loving, I can't say that our situation has changed measurably. He is still in and out of our house and not moving forward in his own life - and not in school or working at this point. I wish I could give you more encouragement that it will all be ok.</p><p></p><p>What I can tell you - is that while my difficult child has not changed too much - I have! I have let go of the notion that I have any ability to fix this situation. I have stopped letting my difficult child's bad choices make me feel like a failure as a parent.I have stopped letting his situation overshadow everything in my life. It's been a long journey - and yes my eyes teared up reading your post because it hits way too close to home - and I am even teary as I write this - but my sadness comes in moments and does not dominate me the way it once did. I can remember momentarily "forgetting" that difficult child was a mess and actually enjoying myself for a brief moment only to then feel guilty because I had forgotten about the tragedy of my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>It sounds crazy; but you need to take the respite when it comes. if he isn't in your house, take a deep breath and try not to let the "what ifs" and the "how will/should I" take over the peace you have available to you right now. I know it sounds absurd - I remember feeling like I would have no peace so long as my kid was not thriving - and honestly, I wasted too much of my life feeling that way. So please take a deep breath when you can and stay busy if it helps. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child will be 23 in a couple of months. I first posted on this board 3-1/2 years ago when he was 19. I thought it would resolve one way or the other and I thought I couldn't possibly live with myself so long as difficult child was making bad choices and throwing his youth and opportunities away. Guess what? Once I stopped letting it consume me; I started getting used to it. I know that sounds horrible, I learned "it is what it is." We've tried everything we can think of to get him back on track and he is still STUCK - no further ahead than he was at 19, hasn't learned a darn thing from his mistakes and the door has closed on his college years. He has nothing to show for the past 4 years of his life.As a mom, I had tried so hard to preserve all of his options and I finally realized that I was working harder and caring more about his future than he was. It's dawning on me that he is the one who will ultimately have to deal with the fruits of his decisions.</p><p></p><p>Part of it is that after a couple of years, you can get used to just about anything. Another big part is that he is 22 and at a more natural age for him to be in charge of his life so nodding and smiling comes a little more naturally.</p><p></p><p>Please take good care of yourself and don't let your son's behavior take over your life and consume you. We are here to listen and understand. It won't always feel so awful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 645767"] CM-I had a very similar situation with my own difficult child son when he was 19. Though the volatility from that time has dissipated and our relationship is a lot more loving, I can't say that our situation has changed measurably. He is still in and out of our house and not moving forward in his own life - and not in school or working at this point. I wish I could give you more encouragement that it will all be ok. What I can tell you - is that while my difficult child has not changed too much - I have! I have let go of the notion that I have any ability to fix this situation. I have stopped letting my difficult child's bad choices make me feel like a failure as a parent.I have stopped letting his situation overshadow everything in my life. It's been a long journey - and yes my eyes teared up reading your post because it hits way too close to home - and I am even teary as I write this - but my sadness comes in moments and does not dominate me the way it once did. I can remember momentarily "forgetting" that difficult child was a mess and actually enjoying myself for a brief moment only to then feel guilty because I had forgotten about the tragedy of my difficult child. It sounds crazy; but you need to take the respite when it comes. if he isn't in your house, take a deep breath and try not to let the "what ifs" and the "how will/should I" take over the peace you have available to you right now. I know it sounds absurd - I remember feeling like I would have no peace so long as my kid was not thriving - and honestly, I wasted too much of my life feeling that way. So please take a deep breath when you can and stay busy if it helps. My difficult child will be 23 in a couple of months. I first posted on this board 3-1/2 years ago when he was 19. I thought it would resolve one way or the other and I thought I couldn't possibly live with myself so long as difficult child was making bad choices and throwing his youth and opportunities away. Guess what? Once I stopped letting it consume me; I started getting used to it. I know that sounds horrible, I learned "it is what it is." We've tried everything we can think of to get him back on track and he is still STUCK - no further ahead than he was at 19, hasn't learned a darn thing from his mistakes and the door has closed on his college years. He has nothing to show for the past 4 years of his life.As a mom, I had tried so hard to preserve all of his options and I finally realized that I was working harder and caring more about his future than he was. It's dawning on me that he is the one who will ultimately have to deal with the fruits of his decisions. Part of it is that after a couple of years, you can get used to just about anything. Another big part is that he is 22 and at a more natural age for him to be in charge of his life so nodding and smiling comes a little more naturally. Please take good care of yourself and don't let your son's behavior take over your life and consume you. We are here to listen and understand. It won't always feel so awful. [/QUOTE]
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