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Healthy perspective on relating to our adult kids
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629840" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh, Strength, you are right. But I feel badly about that, too. We didn't mean to, but I think I taught my kids that, if the story gets bad enough, then the money and the attention will come <em>for the sake of the problem</em>.</p><p></p><p>Not the person, but the problem. It all got to be about the problem. </p><p></p><p>Addiction is so destructive of even the smallest little piece of respect for the addicted child.</p><p></p><p>Or for ourselves, really. Because every time we bail them out, we are trying to fix some unknowable something we believe we failed them in.</p><p></p><p>This experience has taught me to hold strong in the face of some pretty overwhelming feelings.</p><p></p><p>I am so grateful for this site.</p><p></p><p>With each time I have done nothing, I have gone through this same kind of collapse. But I am very sure this is the only way to rebuild any of the good things that have been destroyed through addiction, through enabling.</p><p></p><p>**********</p><p>Added on rewrite: First time was telling difficult child daughter custody of her daughter should be assigned to her aunt. That was tough, but I knew I was right. Second time: Telling difficult child granddaughter I would not take her. That was tough. And I still think I might have been wrong. Third time: Oh, wait. First time was telling difficult child son to stand up and not to talk to his mother that way. So, fourth time was telling firstborn difficult child granddaughter SHE needed to take control of her life and that she could not come to live with us, either. (This granddaughter is 21. Confessed to alcoholism and wants to come to live with us. That just happened. I think I did not even post about it. But THAT was pretty tough, too.)</p><p></p><p>I mean, think how my poor grandchildren were parented; think of the horrible things they have seen...things I did not protect them from.</p><p></p><p>That is the thing that keeps us hooked.</p><p></p><p>That we did not protect.</p><p></p><p>*******************</p><p> </p><p>Our intentions have always been of the highest order. It is very hard, but not impossible, to stand up to the onslaught, to the true horror of not helping.</p><p></p><p>It really is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>But I think of the things I have learned here. I think about the children who have picked up and come back from it, whole.</p><p></p><p>So, this is what I believe I have to do now, for the kids, and for husband and I, too.</p><p></p><p>Believe they are bright and strong enough to do what needs to be done <em>or to suffer the consequences of the things they have chosen.</em></p><p></p><p>It's very hard to do.</p><p></p><p>I think I could never do this without all of you, without knowing the things we have all figured out about how to see what has happened to all of us in a different way.</p><p></p><p>Man, I still feel cheap.</p><p></p><p>And like, irresponsible.</p><p></p><p>I'm okay, though.</p><p></p><p>It is good to share the bad feelings, too. That way, if it does happen to any of us, each of us can remember what the others have overcome.</p><p></p><p>Really, I don't think I could do it, could make these changes, alone.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629840, member: 17461"] Oh, Strength, you are right. But I feel badly about that, too. We didn't mean to, but I think I taught my kids that, if the story gets bad enough, then the money and the attention will come [I]for the sake of the problem[/I]. Not the person, but the problem. It all got to be about the problem. Addiction is so destructive of even the smallest little piece of respect for the addicted child. Or for ourselves, really. Because every time we bail them out, we are trying to fix some unknowable something we believe we failed them in. This experience has taught me to hold strong in the face of some pretty overwhelming feelings. I am so grateful for this site. With each time I have done nothing, I have gone through this same kind of collapse. But I am very sure this is the only way to rebuild any of the good things that have been destroyed through addiction, through enabling. ********** Added on rewrite: First time was telling difficult child daughter custody of her daughter should be assigned to her aunt. That was tough, but I knew I was right. Second time: Telling difficult child granddaughter I would not take her. That was tough. And I still think I might have been wrong. Third time: Oh, wait. First time was telling difficult child son to stand up and not to talk to his mother that way. So, fourth time was telling firstborn difficult child granddaughter SHE needed to take control of her life and that she could not come to live with us, either. (This granddaughter is 21. Confessed to alcoholism and wants to come to live with us. That just happened. I think I did not even post about it. But THAT was pretty tough, too.) I mean, think how my poor grandchildren were parented; think of the horrible things they have seen...things I did not protect them from. That is the thing that keeps us hooked. That we did not protect. ******************* Our intentions have always been of the highest order. It is very hard, but not impossible, to stand up to the onslaught, to the true horror of not helping. It really is a hard thing. But I think of the things I have learned here. I think about the children who have picked up and come back from it, whole. So, this is what I believe I have to do now, for the kids, and for husband and I, too. Believe they are bright and strong enough to do what needs to be done [I]or to suffer the consequences of the things they have chosen.[/I] It's very hard to do. I think I could never do this without all of you, without knowing the things we have all figured out about how to see what has happened to all of us in a different way. Man, I still feel cheap. And like, irresponsible. I'm okay, though. It is good to share the bad feelings, too. That way, if it does happen to any of us, each of us can remember what the others have overcome. Really, I don't think I could do it, could make these changes, alone. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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