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Heartbroken over lost dreams
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<blockquote data-quote="DaisyFace" data-source="post: 574152" data-attributes="member: 6546"><p>JJJ--</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p></p><p>I've been going through some of the same emotions lately - please know you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>And yes - the high IQ thing. School was always a priority for me, too. My friends and I were the "gifted and talented" group...top of our class...always having academic opportunities that the 'regular' students didn't get. And on some level...I really did think that "nurture" had a lot to do with it. I thought that if a child was given books and exposed to science and math and culture at an early age that it would...I don't know...make them smart. I looked forward to sharing all of those things with my children....and hopefully, cheering them on to high achievement.</p><p></p><p>I was also prepared for the idea that my children would NOT have high IQs. I actually had to write a paper in college about the "disappointment" of having a child with a low-to-average IQ - can you believe that? My belief then, as now, is that a high IQ is not the end-all-be-all....and that a child with a low IQ has just as much to offer the world as anyone else. I was sure that a child of any intelligence would surprise and delight their parents in any number of ways - even if their academic performance was below the average.</p><p></p><p>And then, enter my daughter....</p><p></p><p>All those things I thought I would share with her.... All those things I thought I could teach her.... All the visions of watching her make new discoveries... All the hope of sharing in a young child's sense of wonder... just gone.</p><p></p><p>Each new toy....each new experience....each new opportunity - anger, rage, screaming, crying. Every toy I picked out so carefully met with anger (even as a very small toddler!) and every toy smashed to bits. Same with every book....every picture. Clothing, bedding, furniture, wallpaper - not appreciated, not delighted at, not looked at with wonder and excitement.....but as an object to be hated, and destroyed. No hugs for Mommy....no "I love you, Mommy" - just anger, and crying, and horrible words about how much I was hated.</p><p></p><p>I envied everyone. I envied them their children who would run to them with excitement: Look what I made! Look what I did! For years, my dream was to have a child who would want to share those things with me...</p><p></p><p>And now, finally, after all these years - my daughter is <em>talking</em> to me. Not yelling, not screaming, not spewing hatred - actually talking. And she's telling me: Look what I did! Look what I made!</p><p></p><p>And this has been breaking my heart even more than I imagined - because all those things she "did" and "made" and "achieved" are not real....it's all just a bunch of stories from her own reality. And I wanted so badly for it to be true! Something - give me something that I can celebrate with you! I don't care what it is - just let it be real and true and something you did...and not a borrowed story from somebody else's child....</p><p></p><p>but maybe, even that small wish is just too much to ask.</p><p></p><p>I hear you, JJJ - and I mourn those lost wishes, too.</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DaisyFace, post: 574152, member: 6546"] JJJ-- (((Hugs))) I've been going through some of the same emotions lately - please know you are not alone. And yes - the high IQ thing. School was always a priority for me, too. My friends and I were the "gifted and talented" group...top of our class...always having academic opportunities that the 'regular' students didn't get. And on some level...I really did think that "nurture" had a lot to do with it. I thought that if a child was given books and exposed to science and math and culture at an early age that it would...I don't know...make them smart. I looked forward to sharing all of those things with my children....and hopefully, cheering them on to high achievement. I was also prepared for the idea that my children would NOT have high IQs. I actually had to write a paper in college about the "disappointment" of having a child with a low-to-average IQ - can you believe that? My belief then, as now, is that a high IQ is not the end-all-be-all....and that a child with a low IQ has just as much to offer the world as anyone else. I was sure that a child of any intelligence would surprise and delight their parents in any number of ways - even if their academic performance was below the average. And then, enter my daughter.... All those things I thought I would share with her.... All those things I thought I could teach her.... All the visions of watching her make new discoveries... All the hope of sharing in a young child's sense of wonder... just gone. Each new toy....each new experience....each new opportunity - anger, rage, screaming, crying. Every toy I picked out so carefully met with anger (even as a very small toddler!) and every toy smashed to bits. Same with every book....every picture. Clothing, bedding, furniture, wallpaper - not appreciated, not delighted at, not looked at with wonder and excitement.....but as an object to be hated, and destroyed. No hugs for Mommy....no "I love you, Mommy" - just anger, and crying, and horrible words about how much I was hated. I envied everyone. I envied them their children who would run to them with excitement: Look what I made! Look what I did! For years, my dream was to have a child who would want to share those things with me... And now, finally, after all these years - my daughter is [I]talking[/I] to me. Not yelling, not screaming, not spewing hatred - actually talking. And she's telling me: Look what I did! Look what I made! And this has been breaking my heart even more than I imagined - because all those things she "did" and "made" and "achieved" are not real....it's all just a bunch of stories from her own reality. And I wanted so badly for it to be true! Something - give me something that I can celebrate with you! I don't care what it is - just let it be real and true and something you did...and not a borrowed story from somebody else's child.... but maybe, even that small wish is just too much to ask. I hear you, JJJ - and I mourn those lost wishes, too. (((Hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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