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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 733237" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Heavy hearted, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your sons choices and behavior.</p><p></p><p>As others have mentioned, it may be worthwhile for you to attend Al Anon or Families Anonymous, many parents find solace, guidance, support and information in these groups. Because this is such a difficult path, it often becomes necessary for us to seek out professional support to learn how to detach from our troubled kids.......and to learn how to resume our own lives and be okay when our kids are mired in substance abuse and dangerous behavior. You can find local therapists on goodtherapy.org and the Psychology Today website. You may want to post on the substance abuse forum here as well.</p><p></p><p>You may find guidance in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. And, a good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.</p><p></p><p>When our adult kids go off the rails, for whatever reason, it puts parents on a path where we are not familiar with the "rules" and how to move forward.....we are stymied for awhile as we look aghast at the child we adore make disastrous choices which put them in harms way. As the shock and disbelief begin to fade, we then usually spend time looking for ways WE SHOULD have parented because this must be our fault, if only we had done this or that or the other, our kids would be just fine. There is nothing you should have done, could have done, or can do now, to fix this. You didn't cause it & you can't control it. Only your son can do that. And, for the moment, it doesn't appear your son has any inclination to do anything but party down with his friends. </p><p></p><p>You've made a healthy, positive choice in asking your son to leave considering his behavior and choices. Now you have to learn to live with your choice. I know from experience how hard that is.....I would encourage you to find as much support as you can, attend 12 step groups, find a therapist or a parent support group if that feels right, continue posting here and begin to focus on what it is YOU want. When we've been putting all of our energy into our troubled adult kids for a long time, we become depleted, exhausted and often we forget that we matter too, that our needs and desires matter.....it becomes imperative for you and your husband to relearn how to care for yourselves.....to put yourselves as the priority. As we make that transition, we fill ourselves up with our own care and the choices around our kids become a bit easier. We have to make the choice to take care of ourselves as the priority. I understand that may seem strange under the presence circumstances as your son is 'out there', but the truth is that our kids are quite resourceful, they couch surf, sometimes for years and years...they find a way. Your worrying won't change a thing, won't help your son, won't make anything better......all it will do is kill all the joy in your life and keep you stuck in fear and guilt.</p><p></p><p>This is a tough path. But, with support we can learn how to disengage from our kids choices and learn to accept what we can't change. Keep posting, it really helps to share our stories and receive support and compassion and understanding from others who've walked in your shoes. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here, you're not alone......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 733237, member: 13542"] Heavy hearted, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your sons choices and behavior. As others have mentioned, it may be worthwhile for you to attend Al Anon or Families Anonymous, many parents find solace, guidance, support and information in these groups. Because this is such a difficult path, it often becomes necessary for us to seek out professional support to learn how to detach from our troubled kids.......and to learn how to resume our own lives and be okay when our kids are mired in substance abuse and dangerous behavior. You can find local therapists on goodtherapy.org and the Psychology Today website. You may want to post on the substance abuse forum here as well. You may find guidance in the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. And, a good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. When our adult kids go off the rails, for whatever reason, it puts parents on a path where we are not familiar with the "rules" and how to move forward.....we are stymied for awhile as we look aghast at the child we adore make disastrous choices which put them in harms way. As the shock and disbelief begin to fade, we then usually spend time looking for ways WE SHOULD have parented because this must be our fault, if only we had done this or that or the other, our kids would be just fine. There is nothing you should have done, could have done, or can do now, to fix this. You didn't cause it & you can't control it. Only your son can do that. And, for the moment, it doesn't appear your son has any inclination to do anything but party down with his friends. You've made a healthy, positive choice in asking your son to leave considering his behavior and choices. Now you have to learn to live with your choice. I know from experience how hard that is.....I would encourage you to find as much support as you can, attend 12 step groups, find a therapist or a parent support group if that feels right, continue posting here and begin to focus on what it is YOU want. When we've been putting all of our energy into our troubled adult kids for a long time, we become depleted, exhausted and often we forget that we matter too, that our needs and desires matter.....it becomes imperative for you and your husband to relearn how to care for yourselves.....to put yourselves as the priority. As we make that transition, we fill ourselves up with our own care and the choices around our kids become a bit easier. We have to make the choice to take care of ourselves as the priority. I understand that may seem strange under the presence circumstances as your son is 'out there', but the truth is that our kids are quite resourceful, they couch surf, sometimes for years and years...they find a way. Your worrying won't change a thing, won't help your son, won't make anything better......all it will do is kill all the joy in your life and keep you stuck in fear and guilt. This is a tough path. But, with support we can learn how to disengage from our kids choices and learn to accept what we can't change. Keep posting, it really helps to share our stories and receive support and compassion and understanding from others who've walked in your shoes. I'm glad you're here, you're not alone...... [/QUOTE]
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