Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Heartbroken
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 733266" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Heavy hearted and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for all you have been through with your son and for your need to be here. I had the same thought process and could find many times where I made mistakes and wished I had done a better job as a parent. The honest answer is that we did the best we could as parents, and <em>there is no such thing as a perfect parent</em>. Kids grow up and make choices. My daughters would feed off of my guilt and dig the knife I inflicted on myself, deeper, then twist it.</p><p> “I am the way I am because of you.” Ouch.</p><p> I spent a lot of time reeling those tapes, enmired in shoulda, coulda, woulda land. That only kept me looking back, falling into the trap of blame and sent me deeper into grief. It took a while for me to realize that I didn’t <em>cause</em> my kids addictions, couldn’t cure or control them.</p><p> Our children grow up and have their own paths to travel. We work hard raising them, give them the tools they need for living a good life, and hope with all of our might that they make the right choices. Some do, some don’t. Some realize that the consequences are not worth their choices and choose better. Others take a longer course.</p><p>I don’t think it is ever too late. Where there is life, there is hope. Hope for them, and us.</p><p>How I have learned to cope with two daughters off the rails is by giving them back to God. They were only on loan to me in the first place. I tried so many times to help them, but they didn’t want help to stop partying and drugging. They just wanted to be comfortable in my home while doing it. It caused so much chaos and drama in our lives that there was no other course of action but to say no. Enough. This was hard, and still is at times. But, they have to learn from the consequences of their choices. They have to learn that we are not opportunities for them to continue as is, that there are rules and boundaries. We are not rugs to be tread upon.</p><p></p><p>It is the toughest thing to deal with, especially when it starts with teen years, one wrong choice after another. We try so desperately to get them back on track, it’s exhausting. If our love could save them, there would be no need for this sight.</p><p>After years of dealing with our kids going off the rails, trying to stop the train wreck, being so enmeshed in the web, when we disentangle, there is this painful void. Wondering where they are, how they are doing, if they are eating, the list goes on. I try to fill that void with prayer, ask God in faith that He watch over them and that they find their true potential. It helps. A lot. I am thankful.</p><p>I work hard at rebuilding <em>myself</em>, which at first, felt odd and <em>selfish</em> after so many years of throwing my own self interests out the window, to try and rescue my two. I lost bits of myself, one heartbreaking incident at a time.</p><p>Self care is what we wish most for our beloveds. That they are able to see the havoc their choices cause them, and learn to do better.</p><p> In the same light, when our children grow up and make terrible choices, it causes much grief and havoc in our own lives.</p><p>Understanding this and taking steps to replenish <em>ourselves</em> is vital to not only our own healing, but setting an example for our adult children.</p><p>There is no sense in our going down the rabbit hole with them. Easy to write, hard to accomplish.</p><p>These are our children we cherish and it is a pain like no other to see them choose poorly over and again. But, it is for them to decide.</p><p></p><p> I believe Gods plan is for people to find a way towards peace with what is, to understand that there are trials and tribulations but that we have free will to choose our course. My two are out there, finding their way. When it became evident to me that they did not want help recovering from addiction, that set me on course towards my <em>own recovery. </em>I am working at it day by day. Life has its challenges, but there is so much to be thankful for, to look forward to. Each day, I ask God to look after my two, to help them find their true potential. I have spent many a time in survival mode, fraught with worry and fear over my twos’ consequences, heavy hearted and in despair.</p><p>It wore me down and <em>did nothing for them. </em>That’s how I cope. When that sorrow hits me, I cry and let it out. Then I pray. I write here to try and comfort those who are going through similar trials, and also to remind myself where I have been with this. I don’t want to visit that awful pit of despair. I know it is not up to me to fix my daughters. That’s way bigger than anything I can do. They can’t live with me because they don’t get better. They have got to figure out what they want in this life, and so do I.</p><p>There is a light at the end of this tunnel.</p><p>Keep working at striving to find your peace. You matter, your relationship with your husband matters, the sanctity of your home and everything you have worked so hard for, matters.</p><p>Be very kind and gentle with yourself and honor your feelings. It is a grieving process we go through. </p><p>Please know you are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 733266, member: 19522"] Hi Heavy hearted and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for all you have been through with your son and for your need to be here. I had the same thought process and could find many times where I made mistakes and wished I had done a better job as a parent. The honest answer is that we did the best we could as parents, and [I]there is no such thing as a perfect parent[/I]. Kids grow up and make choices. My daughters would feed off of my guilt and dig the knife I inflicted on myself, deeper, then twist it. “I am the way I am because of you.” Ouch. I spent a lot of time reeling those tapes, enmired in shoulda, coulda, woulda land. That only kept me looking back, falling into the trap of blame and sent me deeper into grief. It took a while for me to realize that I didn’t [I]cause[/I] my kids addictions, couldn’t cure or control them. Our children grow up and have their own paths to travel. We work hard raising them, give them the tools they need for living a good life, and hope with all of our might that they make the right choices. Some do, some don’t. Some realize that the consequences are not worth their choices and choose better. Others take a longer course. I don’t think it is ever too late. Where there is life, there is hope. Hope for them, and us. How I have learned to cope with two daughters off the rails is by giving them back to God. They were only on loan to me in the first place. I tried so many times to help them, but they didn’t want help to stop partying and drugging. They just wanted to be comfortable in my home while doing it. It caused so much chaos and drama in our lives that there was no other course of action but to say no. Enough. This was hard, and still is at times. But, they have to learn from the consequences of their choices. They have to learn that we are not opportunities for them to continue as is, that there are rules and boundaries. We are not rugs to be tread upon. It is the toughest thing to deal with, especially when it starts with teen years, one wrong choice after another. We try so desperately to get them back on track, it’s exhausting. If our love could save them, there would be no need for this sight. After years of dealing with our kids going off the rails, trying to stop the train wreck, being so enmeshed in the web, when we disentangle, there is this painful void. Wondering where they are, how they are doing, if they are eating, the list goes on. I try to fill that void with prayer, ask God in faith that He watch over them and that they find their true potential. It helps. A lot. I am thankful. I work hard at rebuilding [I]myself[/I], which at first, felt odd and [I]selfish[/I] after so many years of throwing my own self interests out the window, to try and rescue my two. I lost bits of myself, one heartbreaking incident at a time. Self care is what we wish most for our beloveds. That they are able to see the havoc their choices cause them, and learn to do better. In the same light, when our children grow up and make terrible choices, it causes much grief and havoc in our own lives. Understanding this and taking steps to replenish [I]ourselves[/I] is vital to not only our own healing, but setting an example for our adult children. There is no sense in our going down the rabbit hole with them. Easy to write, hard to accomplish. These are our children we cherish and it is a pain like no other to see them choose poorly over and again. But, it is for them to decide. I believe Gods plan is for people to find a way towards peace with what is, to understand that there are trials and tribulations but that we have free will to choose our course. My two are out there, finding their way. When it became evident to me that they did not want help recovering from addiction, that set me on course towards my [I]own recovery. [/I]I am working at it day by day. Life has its challenges, but there is so much to be thankful for, to look forward to. Each day, I ask God to look after my two, to help them find their true potential. I have spent many a time in survival mode, fraught with worry and fear over my twos’ consequences, heavy hearted and in despair. It wore me down and [I]did nothing for them. [/I]That’s how I cope. When that sorrow hits me, I cry and let it out. Then I pray. I write here to try and comfort those who are going through similar trials, and also to remind myself where I have been with this. I don’t want to visit that awful pit of despair. I know it is not up to me to fix my daughters. That’s way bigger than anything I can do. They can’t live with me because they don’t get better. They have got to figure out what they want in this life, and so do I. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Keep working at striving to find your peace. You matter, your relationship with your husband matters, the sanctity of your home and everything you have worked so hard for, matters. Be very kind and gentle with yourself and honor your feelings. It is a grieving process we go through. Please know you are not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Heartbroken
Top