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Hello, all - new here ... looking for help ...
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<blockquote data-quote="brandy514" data-source="post: 323391" data-attributes="member: 8536"><p>Hi, thank you for the reply. </p><p> </p><p>Drugs ... interesting, and I am sure you'll laugh, but I am 99% sure he's not doing drugs - the other 1% is because ... I'm not with him all the time, and I can't ever be sure about anything if you know what I mean. I will say this ... we talk very openly about such things in our house, as his mother is a recovered (she still says recovering) addict. That's what actually caused the marital and family strife - she started using, my husband and her divorced after a long hard road and no initial recovery. She disappeared for a while - truth be told, our son has spent more time with me than anyone else. With all the addiction problems she went through, it's again something we talk about. He tells me who of his friends have or do smoke out, do other drugs, drink, etc. and when he's been tempted even, and how he handled the situation. This is not an occassional conversation, but a regular topic (weekly at least). We talk openly about a lot of things: drugs, sex, maturation, responsibility, love, etc. We have a very open, communicative household. I am very fortunate to have a son that will communicate - I would be more concerned when he stopped communicating (as he had in the past) as it always indicates a severe problem. He wears his guilt on his sleeve. </p><p> </p><p>Along the same lines, we do not condone the use of drugs in our house. Our daughter recently admitted she smoked out with her friend a few times. Not acceptable behavior ... not at all. </p><p> </p><p>His father does have fits ... I wouldn't say violence. He does not drink in the sense that you implied. We go through maybe a pack of beer (6 pack) every 6 months. I drink a couple of glasses of wine a year ... usually we pour the rest into our cooking. We do not drink to excess (EVER) and we never drink around the children. The only exception is BBQ - he has had beer in front of the kids a couple of times over the past 10 years. We were very cautious about it initially, and spent a lot of time talkking to the kids because of the issues mentioned above. I think I am more paranoid about it than he is, though, I had a friend make some home made coffee liquor last Christmas, and had given me 3 ounces. We did tel the kids what it was and they did see me add it to a drink. I don't know - I don't think it's wrong. I grew up having wine at the dinner table, I think it's natural. I actually DRANK wine when I was a child for special meals - Christmas, Easter, etc. ... But my home life was significantly different, and I understand that. It needs discussion.</p><p> </p><p>Back to my hubby ... he actually has taken anger management - tried and it didn't fit with him. Our daughter's councellor suggested this other program, it turns out it's actually called a violence recovery program. He's the only person in the class that's not on parole ... but the teacher makes sense to him, and doesn't tell him to surpress his feelings. They are focused on teaching him to identify the feeling and express it - it's wonderful. Instead of being angry - he has been able to admit he was scared, or that his feelings were hurt. Our son, on the other hand, is very sensitive. So, when they get into an altercation, verbal sparring match, he shuts down. My husband gets loud. I have been guilty of the same in the past - it's so hard to control yourself - not an excuse. Something we have been actively working on for a few years. </p><p> </p><p>I do have an update. We all (mom, dad, and me) had a long conversation with our son last night. I asked him if he wanted to live with us (to my surprise, he - even as mad as he was - said yes). When I asked why, he had a list of reasons. We finally got to the root of it - he doesn't feel loved he said. He said he knows he is, but he doesn't feel it. So, we all, him included, made a list of things that we need from each other. He's also been getting very agitated with my son, he admitted that it's wrong, but he gets so frustrated he doesn't know how to handle it and when I step it, he feels like I am siding with the toddler (which I am, and admit ... the toddler is small compared to a 5 foot 8 young man). He understands - he said he needs his own space. He would like to have something in his room that he can do away from our other son ... that's fair! I made an agreement that I would get him a TV for his room in a few months if he would agree to make an effort towards resolving the behavior issues we identified. Not perfect - but marked improvement. The TV would also be an item that would be removed for consequences - he was fine with that too. I think we actually made some major progress last night, though, it's early to tell. He has patterns of great for a few weeks and then acts up again in a couple of weeks ... but last night was different - he was nice. He hugged me and let me hug him back. He helped my son clean up some spilled juice without being asked - and he has not offered anything to us in months ... I am relieved ... for now.</p><p> </p><p>Sorry for the long-winded message to all you folks who don't know me. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I think I like the anonimity ...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="brandy514, post: 323391, member: 8536"] Hi, thank you for the reply. Drugs ... interesting, and I am sure you'll laugh, but I am 99% sure he's not doing drugs - the other 1% is because ... I'm not with him all the time, and I can't ever be sure about anything if you know what I mean. I will say this ... we talk very openly about such things in our house, as his mother is a recovered (she still says recovering) addict. That's what actually caused the marital and family strife - she started using, my husband and her divorced after a long hard road and no initial recovery. She disappeared for a while - truth be told, our son has spent more time with me than anyone else. With all the addiction problems she went through, it's again something we talk about. He tells me who of his friends have or do smoke out, do other drugs, drink, etc. and when he's been tempted even, and how he handled the situation. This is not an occassional conversation, but a regular topic (weekly at least). We talk openly about a lot of things: drugs, sex, maturation, responsibility, love, etc. We have a very open, communicative household. I am very fortunate to have a son that will communicate - I would be more concerned when he stopped communicating (as he had in the past) as it always indicates a severe problem. He wears his guilt on his sleeve. Along the same lines, we do not condone the use of drugs in our house. Our daughter recently admitted she smoked out with her friend a few times. Not acceptable behavior ... not at all. His father does have fits ... I wouldn't say violence. He does not drink in the sense that you implied. We go through maybe a pack of beer (6 pack) every 6 months. I drink a couple of glasses of wine a year ... usually we pour the rest into our cooking. We do not drink to excess (EVER) and we never drink around the children. The only exception is BBQ - he has had beer in front of the kids a couple of times over the past 10 years. We were very cautious about it initially, and spent a lot of time talkking to the kids because of the issues mentioned above. I think I am more paranoid about it than he is, though, I had a friend make some home made coffee liquor last Christmas, and had given me 3 ounces. We did tel the kids what it was and they did see me add it to a drink. I don't know - I don't think it's wrong. I grew up having wine at the dinner table, I think it's natural. I actually DRANK wine when I was a child for special meals - Christmas, Easter, etc. ... But my home life was significantly different, and I understand that. It needs discussion. Back to my hubby ... he actually has taken anger management - tried and it didn't fit with him. Our daughter's councellor suggested this other program, it turns out it's actually called a violence recovery program. He's the only person in the class that's not on parole ... but the teacher makes sense to him, and doesn't tell him to surpress his feelings. They are focused on teaching him to identify the feeling and express it - it's wonderful. Instead of being angry - he has been able to admit he was scared, or that his feelings were hurt. Our son, on the other hand, is very sensitive. So, when they get into an altercation, verbal sparring match, he shuts down. My husband gets loud. I have been guilty of the same in the past - it's so hard to control yourself - not an excuse. Something we have been actively working on for a few years. I do have an update. We all (mom, dad, and me) had a long conversation with our son last night. I asked him if he wanted to live with us (to my surprise, he - even as mad as he was - said yes). When I asked why, he had a list of reasons. We finally got to the root of it - he doesn't feel loved he said. He said he knows he is, but he doesn't feel it. So, we all, him included, made a list of things that we need from each other. He's also been getting very agitated with my son, he admitted that it's wrong, but he gets so frustrated he doesn't know how to handle it and when I step it, he feels like I am siding with the toddler (which I am, and admit ... the toddler is small compared to a 5 foot 8 young man). He understands - he said he needs his own space. He would like to have something in his room that he can do away from our other son ... that's fair! I made an agreement that I would get him a TV for his room in a few months if he would agree to make an effort towards resolving the behavior issues we identified. Not perfect - but marked improvement. The TV would also be an item that would be removed for consequences - he was fine with that too. I think we actually made some major progress last night, though, it's early to tell. He has patterns of great for a few weeks and then acts up again in a couple of weeks ... but last night was different - he was nice. He hugged me and let me hug him back. He helped my son clean up some spilled juice without being asked - and he has not offered anything to us in months ... I am relieved ... for now. Sorry for the long-winded message to all you folks who don't know me. :) I think I like the anonimity ... [/QUOTE]
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