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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 323468" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That conversation you had with him was a very effective and loving thing to do.</p><p></p><p>As for why you have these problems with him - it could simply be a combination of typical teen (never underestimate just how turbulent this can be) plus the complex problems he's trying to deal with. Or it could be more. After all, where did his dad's anger problems come from? The way his dad has handled anger could have a genetic link but almost certainly have a learned link. It's great that dad is finally doing a course that helps - but dad is doing the course, not son. And son is still left with all the poor anger management skills taught at his father's knee (however subconsciously).</p><p></p><p>So here's a few suggestions. Run them past your son (I get that you consider him your son and not your stepson) and see what he feels.</p><p></p><p>1) Get him to a therapist who can help him find appropriate ways to handle his feelings.</p><p></p><p>2) Possibly get him into a course like his dad's, to help him formally learn how to recognise and use his feelings more appropriately.</p><p></p><p>3) Consider getting him assessed for something like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (mild Asperger's) or some other problem which could be greatly adding to his frustration while reducing his ability to handle that frustration.</p><p></p><p>I know in so many ways he seems "normal" - but a few things you have said about him (actually, good points you've mentioned) "mesh" with possible mild Asperger's.</p><p>Example - </p><p>1) the honesty, the way he talks to you despite the apparent typical teen anger and raging.</p><p>2) your certainty that he isn't doing drugs - few parents can be that certain of their typical teen kids.</p><p>3) his ability to negotiate fairly when calm - again, a lot of brighter TTs can do this but not as many.</p><p></p><p>Other less good points which fit - the impulse control problems (worse thna normal for kids his age); the sense of entitlement; the backtalk, "lack of respect" (in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it looks like lack of respect but is coming form an entirely different place).</p><p></p><p>These are things he would have to learn how to handle, but he can do this with help, especially if he can understand that it's not his fault that he has these added difficulties. Also, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) brings gifts, as I already intimated. </p><p></p><p>It's funny - today we met with difficult child 3's teachers over the past year, as we were leaving he was talking to his PDHPE teacher about how he feels about himself and his autism. "I look normal," he said, "But my autism means thta sometimes I seem to be very rude to my parents and it makes them look bad, as if they haven't disciplined me properly and I'm simply a badly behaved child. I don't like to think that other people will feel bad about my parents and the way they have raised me, simply because I can't always control my behaviour."</p><p>His teacher (whose subject also involves self-awareness and learning self-control) said to him, "When you get those feelings it is good to be aware of them, but from that poit screw them up and throw them in the bin. Those feelings don't achieve anything. All you can do is be the best you can be. Don't beat yourself up for what you cannot change."</p><p></p><p>From my experience with difficult child 1 especially - he always thought he as a bad peson, until he was diagnosed with ADHD (at age 6). It turned out to be a misdx, but at the time it explained to difficult child 1 that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't stay on task and concentrate. YOu would think that being told oyu have a disorder like tis would be devatating for a child, but when that child already knows there is a problem and (like all children tend to do) takes it all personally as his fault, then a diagnosis of any kind that can help explain things, is a huge relief. Especially if it comes with a management plan.</p><p></p><p>There may be nothing wrong at that level, it could (simply?) be a constellation of environmental experiences that have led him to this - but there is still help, and it still is not all his fault.</p><p></p><p>I love the way you were all able to talk. And regarding his little brother - speaking from experience again, but as they get older they are likely to be the best of friends. But your older son is right - he needs his own space. Chances are, baby brother is crowding him too much (which happens when the younger one idolises the older one, wants to be like him) and so having his own space is going to be important.</p><p></p><p>It's part of growing up and learning tro be independent.</p><p></p><p>Do you remember the story of Christian the lion? Ace & John took him to George Adamson as part of a plan to rehabilitate him back into the wild. At a certain point they knew it was time to increase te distance between them so Christian would be more willing to try tro be independent. Then when they went back for a visit, Christian recognised them and came to them. But after a while, he walked away. There were wild lions with him (lionesses) who also accepted John & Ace, but there was now a distance with Christian. </p><p>At their last visit (a year later I think it was) Christian came to meet them and cuddle with them but after a while he would get up and walk away to sit apart. The men said, "It was as if he was saying, 'I have lion things to do now'."</p><p></p><p>Our teenagers are like Christian the lion - we need to give them their space and ensure it is a sanctuary for them even while we try to watch over them and care for them. But the more time goes on, the more we have to let them find their own way and allow them to do so in their own way, as much as we can and as they can handle it. The trouble is, often they are fighting for this very independence but in ways that are NOT good for them or asking too much freedom too fast. Trying to come to some agreement and find balance in this is tricky.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 323468, member: 1991"] That conversation you had with him was a very effective and loving thing to do. As for why you have these problems with him - it could simply be a combination of typical teen (never underestimate just how turbulent this can be) plus the complex problems he's trying to deal with. Or it could be more. After all, where did his dad's anger problems come from? The way his dad has handled anger could have a genetic link but almost certainly have a learned link. It's great that dad is finally doing a course that helps - but dad is doing the course, not son. And son is still left with all the poor anger management skills taught at his father's knee (however subconsciously). So here's a few suggestions. Run them past your son (I get that you consider him your son and not your stepson) and see what he feels. 1) Get him to a therapist who can help him find appropriate ways to handle his feelings. 2) Possibly get him into a course like his dad's, to help him formally learn how to recognise and use his feelings more appropriately. 3) Consider getting him assessed for something like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (mild Asperger's) or some other problem which could be greatly adding to his frustration while reducing his ability to handle that frustration. I know in so many ways he seems "normal" - but a few things you have said about him (actually, good points you've mentioned) "mesh" with possible mild Asperger's. Example - 1) the honesty, the way he talks to you despite the apparent typical teen anger and raging. 2) your certainty that he isn't doing drugs - few parents can be that certain of their typical teen kids. 3) his ability to negotiate fairly when calm - again, a lot of brighter TTs can do this but not as many. Other less good points which fit - the impulse control problems (worse thna normal for kids his age); the sense of entitlement; the backtalk, "lack of respect" (in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it looks like lack of respect but is coming form an entirely different place). These are things he would have to learn how to handle, but he can do this with help, especially if he can understand that it's not his fault that he has these added difficulties. Also, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) brings gifts, as I already intimated. It's funny - today we met with difficult child 3's teachers over the past year, as we were leaving he was talking to his PDHPE teacher about how he feels about himself and his autism. "I look normal," he said, "But my autism means thta sometimes I seem to be very rude to my parents and it makes them look bad, as if they haven't disciplined me properly and I'm simply a badly behaved child. I don't like to think that other people will feel bad about my parents and the way they have raised me, simply because I can't always control my behaviour." His teacher (whose subject also involves self-awareness and learning self-control) said to him, "When you get those feelings it is good to be aware of them, but from that poit screw them up and throw them in the bin. Those feelings don't achieve anything. All you can do is be the best you can be. Don't beat yourself up for what you cannot change." From my experience with difficult child 1 especially - he always thought he as a bad peson, until he was diagnosed with ADHD (at age 6). It turned out to be a misdx, but at the time it explained to difficult child 1 that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't stay on task and concentrate. YOu would think that being told oyu have a disorder like tis would be devatating for a child, but when that child already knows there is a problem and (like all children tend to do) takes it all personally as his fault, then a diagnosis of any kind that can help explain things, is a huge relief. Especially if it comes with a management plan. There may be nothing wrong at that level, it could (simply?) be a constellation of environmental experiences that have led him to this - but there is still help, and it still is not all his fault. I love the way you were all able to talk. And regarding his little brother - speaking from experience again, but as they get older they are likely to be the best of friends. But your older son is right - he needs his own space. Chances are, baby brother is crowding him too much (which happens when the younger one idolises the older one, wants to be like him) and so having his own space is going to be important. It's part of growing up and learning tro be independent. Do you remember the story of Christian the lion? Ace & John took him to George Adamson as part of a plan to rehabilitate him back into the wild. At a certain point they knew it was time to increase te distance between them so Christian would be more willing to try tro be independent. Then when they went back for a visit, Christian recognised them and came to them. But after a while, he walked away. There were wild lions with him (lionesses) who also accepted John & Ace, but there was now a distance with Christian. At their last visit (a year later I think it was) Christian came to meet them and cuddle with them but after a while he would get up and walk away to sit apart. The men said, "It was as if he was saying, 'I have lion things to do now'." Our teenagers are like Christian the lion - we need to give them their space and ensure it is a sanctuary for them even while we try to watch over them and care for them. But the more time goes on, the more we have to let them find their own way and allow them to do so in their own way, as much as we can and as they can handle it. The trouble is, often they are fighting for this very independence but in ways that are NOT good for them or asking too much freedom too fast. Trying to come to some agreement and find balance in this is tricky. Marg [/QUOTE]
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