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Hello all, sad update....
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<blockquote data-quote="bran155" data-source="post: 288208"><p>I am so moved by all of your responses! Your words coddle my aching heart, truly they do. I wish that I would have come back for support long ago. You all are so wonderful and kind. There is no one else in my world who could possibly understand how hurtful this is, other than you all. I know that I can say anything here and be understood. To know that makes this life a bit easier, isn't that what we all need, to be understood??? </p><p> </p><p>I am working hard everyday to stay afloat. I have been doing okay. It's something that never, NEVER, leaves my mind but I am learning to live with it. I worry all of the time but don't let it control my daily life. I put my game face on and face the day. I would not be able to do so if it not for my little guy, who puts a smile on my face everyday! He is my inspiration to go on. I truly believe that he was a gift to me, the greatest gift I could have ever gotten!!! He brightens my world and makes my life worth living! I continue to detach, have setbacks from time to time but for the most part I am holding up better than I thought I would. It's hardest at night as I know she is at "work" destroying her soul. And that pig is making money off of her illness. That just makes me incredibley angry!!! I would love to rip his eyes out, among other things!!! I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power and then some, over the years to help her. This is out of my hands, I know that. It just hurts so badly! I have no regrets, I left no stone unturned! It's just a very sad existence is all. I do fall apart, but those meltdowns get fewer and further apart as time goes by. I just wish that I could get out of my head for a while as the thoughts never go away. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking of her. It is so consuming and suffocating, I want so much to taste freedom. I can't break free. I will go on. I will get through this. I have other people in my life to live for. I will, I will, I will!!!! I finally love me again and that feels really good, I do not want to go back to the weak sap I was for many years. I have come too far for that!</p><p> </p><p>Star: You are absolutely amazing!!! You did make me cry (as did many of the responses), but it was an empowering cry! You ignited a strength in me that I always knew I had. Your words shot through me like a cupid's arrow! I so needed that! You are so right! I am an oak!!! It's amazing at what one can live through if pushed to it! We have these kids and unfortunately they grow up to have minds of their own, do what they want no matter what we want for them. My daughter has taken that to the extreme, a bitter pill to swallow but life goes on nonetheless, right? I will go back and re-read your post many, many times as it will be my inspiration to wake up and live everyday! You know, I have always made choices with my daughter's needs first. My needs did not matter. I would endure anything she shoved upon me as I felt it was my duty as a mother. Now, my needs matter too. I will not take her phone calls because I can't handle them even if she is hurt by that, I simply don't care. I need to make choices so that I can live not so that I can save her. I know that I am not the one who can save her, she is the only one that can. Guilt sometimes creeps in but I fight that off as I truly know that I have been a good mother to her and now I have to be good to the rest of my family, as well as myself. She no longer is my puppet master!!! I am the owner of my life. My life will now be lived on my terms!!! Thank you so very much for your thoughtful and powerful response!!! You are a good auntie!!! And a good friend!!! </p><p> </p><p>This site is made up of people that I aspire to be like. Each and every one of you have touched my life in ways that no one else could. It really does feel like home here. There is a sense of family here that I could not find anywhere else! Thank you my friends. I wish all of you the best.</p><p> </p><p>I will keep you posted.</p><p> </p><p>With much love and gratitude,</p><p>Shawna <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="bran155, post: 288208"] I am so moved by all of your responses! Your words coddle my aching heart, truly they do. I wish that I would have come back for support long ago. You all are so wonderful and kind. There is no one else in my world who could possibly understand how hurtful this is, other than you all. I know that I can say anything here and be understood. To know that makes this life a bit easier, isn't that what we all need, to be understood??? I am working hard everyday to stay afloat. I have been doing okay. It's something that never, NEVER, leaves my mind but I am learning to live with it. I worry all of the time but don't let it control my daily life. I put my game face on and face the day. I would not be able to do so if it not for my little guy, who puts a smile on my face everyday! He is my inspiration to go on. I truly believe that he was a gift to me, the greatest gift I could have ever gotten!!! He brightens my world and makes my life worth living! I continue to detach, have setbacks from time to time but for the most part I am holding up better than I thought I would. It's hardest at night as I know she is at "work" destroying her soul. And that pig is making money off of her illness. That just makes me incredibley angry!!! I would love to rip his eyes out, among other things!!! I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power and then some, over the years to help her. This is out of my hands, I know that. It just hurts so badly! I have no regrets, I left no stone unturned! It's just a very sad existence is all. I do fall apart, but those meltdowns get fewer and further apart as time goes by. I just wish that I could get out of my head for a while as the thoughts never go away. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking of her. It is so consuming and suffocating, I want so much to taste freedom. I can't break free. I will go on. I will get through this. I have other people in my life to live for. I will, I will, I will!!!! I finally love me again and that feels really good, I do not want to go back to the weak sap I was for many years. I have come too far for that! Star: You are absolutely amazing!!! You did make me cry (as did many of the responses), but it was an empowering cry! You ignited a strength in me that I always knew I had. Your words shot through me like a cupid's arrow! I so needed that! You are so right! I am an oak!!! It's amazing at what one can live through if pushed to it! We have these kids and unfortunately they grow up to have minds of their own, do what they want no matter what we want for them. My daughter has taken that to the extreme, a bitter pill to swallow but life goes on nonetheless, right? I will go back and re-read your post many, many times as it will be my inspiration to wake up and live everyday! You know, I have always made choices with my daughter's needs first. My needs did not matter. I would endure anything she shoved upon me as I felt it was my duty as a mother. Now, my needs matter too. I will not take her phone calls because I can't handle them even if she is hurt by that, I simply don't care. I need to make choices so that I can live not so that I can save her. I know that I am not the one who can save her, she is the only one that can. Guilt sometimes creeps in but I fight that off as I truly know that I have been a good mother to her and now I have to be good to the rest of my family, as well as myself. She no longer is my puppet master!!! I am the owner of my life. My life will now be lived on my terms!!! Thank you so very much for your thoughtful and powerful response!!! You are a good auntie!!! And a good friend!!! This site is made up of people that I aspire to be like. Each and every one of you have touched my life in ways that no one else could. It really does feel like home here. There is a sense of family here that I could not find anywhere else! Thank you my friends. I wish all of you the best. I will keep you posted. With much love and gratitude, Shawna :) [/QUOTE]
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