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<blockquote data-quote="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo" data-source="post: 448624" data-attributes="member: 12241"><p>Hi Blessed!</p><p></p><p>I think with all the things that have happend to her - specifically the <span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">"non-violent sexual assault" - that is a lot to work through for a 16 year old [and then again - maybe not, all depending on what actually happened, and what her previous sexual activity level was] on her own. I see where you mentioned her being in counceling? How is that working for her? I think she needs to hear from someone other than family and loved ones [that is assuming they know what happened to her] - that this is not her fault, that she is not to blame, and there need to be no shame, disgust or hatred and also that not all relationships to men will be like this one. Possibly a change of location for her might be appropriate as well if there is somewhere else she can go to and live for a year or so, while she works this through? If the current councelor is not working for her, encourage her to go somewhere else and find one that will be better for her!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">And as far as your job, home etc - as a single parent, you owe it yourself and her too, to make this your priority in preserving. In this economy you are doing no one a service by putting your livelyhood at risk! And at 16 she is old enough to understand that. If you are going to set new rules, consequences etc - do yourself a favor and put it in writing - give her a copy and keep one for yourself to come back to when you need to. Sometimes we get so frazzled and rattled, we tend to forget what we had planned to do, how we wanted to react, and sometimes we simply get too mad and stressed. As the person in charge of your home, it is one of your perks to call the shots - when you get too upset or angry - send her to her room for a time out or a mini grounding and let her know that you will get back to her with your decisions and results of her breaking the rules, after you get yourself together and had a chance to think about this [of course don't tell her the last part]. Delayed response time worked very well for me, and I didn't feel worried about coming at my own son with a unreasonable "gut over-reaction". Plus it sometimes help to let them stew a bit too...</span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">The one thing - when you set consequences - you MUST be able to enforce them. So don't pick things that you know you can't do, or that you have no means of controlling! Think about in advance to as far as you are willing to go. In the example I gave in my previous post you responded to, where I made him walk home 2 miles - that was not spur of the moment, and I gave that some serious thought. I made sure that we were in reasonable walking distance and he would be able to find his way home. I also made sure that it would be a long enough walk to really be uncomfortable for him and to wear him out enough so it would tone down the negative energy of being p.o.ed. And most of all, I would have never done this if he was 10 or 12 - so pick an age appropriate punishment and pick one that will really A inconvenience her or B is rather unpleasant all over. Being sent to her room which is crammed full with TV, DVD player, cell phone and a computer isn't punishment. You take those things away one by one - and not just give them back the next day either - they need to be earned again if she pushed the ante.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">To sum things up, I think she really needs help working through her experiences with some of the adults in her life, and perhaps you need to look for better role models for her too. She needs things to do that keep her mentally and physically busy, and nicely tired at night. Is she working? A part time job might teach her new things, gets her meeting new people, and might get her motivated on the money end too. You might want to offer her some melatonin if she has problems going to sleep [which would be my guess - her mind being in overdrive and not being able to shut down to rest and recover]. Maybe you should consider getting her enrolled in a self defense class. She will learn self protection, self awareness, respect for the teacher, it is a sport which might tire her out a bit, and it will build confidence and self reliance. She will learn to become empowered in a healthy way and walk away from seeing herself in a victims role. This might be very appropriate for her. Anything that lets her build self esteem and confidence can only be good for her at this time! Kick boxing, running, anything that makes her more fit and confident might do the job. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">Hang in there, I don't see anything in what you wrote, that cannot be overcome with time, patience, a bit TLC and her wanting to do better for herself.</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo, post: 448624, member: 12241"] Hi Blessed! I think with all the things that have happend to her - specifically the [FONT=Tahoma]"non-violent sexual assault" - that is a lot to work through for a 16 year old [and then again - maybe not, all depending on what actually happened, and what her previous sexual activity level was] on her own. I see where you mentioned her being in counceling? How is that working for her? I think she needs to hear from someone other than family and loved ones [that is assuming they know what happened to her] - that this is not her fault, that she is not to blame, and there need to be no shame, disgust or hatred and also that not all relationships to men will be like this one. Possibly a change of location for her might be appropriate as well if there is somewhere else she can go to and live for a year or so, while she works this through? If the current councelor is not working for her, encourage her to go somewhere else and find one that will be better for her! And as far as your job, home etc - as a single parent, you owe it yourself and her too, to make this your priority in preserving. In this economy you are doing no one a service by putting your livelyhood at risk! And at 16 she is old enough to understand that. If you are going to set new rules, consequences etc - do yourself a favor and put it in writing - give her a copy and keep one for yourself to come back to when you need to. Sometimes we get so frazzled and rattled, we tend to forget what we had planned to do, how we wanted to react, and sometimes we simply get too mad and stressed. As the person in charge of your home, it is one of your perks to call the shots - when you get too upset or angry - send her to her room for a time out or a mini grounding and let her know that you will get back to her with your decisions and results of her breaking the rules, after you get yourself together and had a chance to think about this [of course don't tell her the last part]. Delayed response time worked very well for me, and I didn't feel worried about coming at my own son with a unreasonable "gut over-reaction". Plus it sometimes help to let them stew a bit too... The one thing - when you set consequences - you MUST be able to enforce them. So don't pick things that you know you can't do, or that you have no means of controlling! Think about in advance to as far as you are willing to go. In the example I gave in my previous post you responded to, where I made him walk home 2 miles - that was not spur of the moment, and I gave that some serious thought. I made sure that we were in reasonable walking distance and he would be able to find his way home. I also made sure that it would be a long enough walk to really be uncomfortable for him and to wear him out enough so it would tone down the negative energy of being p.o.ed. And most of all, I would have never done this if he was 10 or 12 - so pick an age appropriate punishment and pick one that will really A inconvenience her or B is rather unpleasant all over. Being sent to her room which is crammed full with TV, DVD player, cell phone and a computer isn't punishment. You take those things away one by one - and not just give them back the next day either - they need to be earned again if she pushed the ante. To sum things up, I think she really needs help working through her experiences with some of the adults in her life, and perhaps you need to look for better role models for her too. She needs things to do that keep her mentally and physically busy, and nicely tired at night. Is she working? A part time job might teach her new things, gets her meeting new people, and might get her motivated on the money end too. You might want to offer her some melatonin if she has problems going to sleep [which would be my guess - her mind being in overdrive and not being able to shut down to rest and recover]. Maybe you should consider getting her enrolled in a self defense class. She will learn self protection, self awareness, respect for the teacher, it is a sport which might tire her out a bit, and it will build confidence and self reliance. She will learn to become empowered in a healthy way and walk away from seeing herself in a victims role. This might be very appropriate for her. Anything that lets her build self esteem and confidence can only be good for her at this time! Kick boxing, running, anything that makes her more fit and confident might do the job. Hang in there, I don't see anything in what you wrote, that cannot be overcome with time, patience, a bit TLC and her wanting to do better for herself.[/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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