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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 360888" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>IF this turns out to be something on the autism spectrum somewhere, and that currently is a big if and would need to be thoroughly checked out, that doesn't mean what it used to mean. Our understanding of autism has changed considerably. I also have learned a great deal and had to change a lot of my ideas on autism.</p><p></p><p>If you want to read about it from a positive point of view, look up anything by Tony Attwood on high-functioning autism or on Asperger's Syndrome (one well-known form of high-functioning autism). About the time we were told that autism doesn't just run in our family, it gallops, we were shown a wonderful Tony Attwood article which described the positive qualities of someone with Asperger's. </p><p></p><p>Here are some of them:</p><p></p><p>1) loyalty. They will often be more loyal than most, sticking to someone like glue.</p><p></p><p>2) Loving. Contrary to popular opinion, people with autism generally feel emotions very strongly indeed. They just don't always show their feelings openly, in ways we immediately recognise.</p><p></p><p>3) Honesty. Especially as they get older, they learn that honesty is easier and feels better.</p><p></p><p>4) Law-abiding. Maybe not always the laws as they are written, but these kids observe the world and work out for themselves what the rules are. They then do their utmost to follow those rules.</p><p></p><p>5) Determination. When there is something they are motivated to do, they will do it. By hook or by crook.</p><p></p><p>6) Concentration. When it's something they're really interested in, they can focus on it to the exclusion of all else. They can make a career out of this.</p><p></p><p>Of course, along with these things we have the problems of impulse control, of high frustration, of raging. We need to help them learn self-control because we can never impose our will onto them in order to assert our will. No, we have to learn to lead them and not sit on them. With kids like this you must NEVER use the "Because I said so and I'm the parent, that's why." It not only won't work, it generally makes the problem far, far worse. So does shouting. In fact, anything the child is likely to perceive as you imposing your will onto the child.</p><p></p><p>The plus side of this - you handle it by teaching the child self-control, but such a child is far more able to learn self-control than most. They can accomplish it earlier than you would expect. And frankly, until they DO get self-control, you will need to be there as the facilitator, the helper and the leader (and never the brick wall or obstacle for them).</p><p></p><p>One point I want to make on stereotypes in autism - people assume that those with autism in any form are going to avoid other people and be socially withdrawn. But not necessarily. easy child 2/difficult child 2 as a toddler would go off with total strangers, especially men with beards. We don't know why. difficult child 3 would sit and chat in a crowded shopping centre, chatting to whoever was within earshot. He would tell our family's most intimate secrets to total strangers. I tried to explain to him about stranger danger, but it just didn't sink in. Up the road from us lives a family which are a worry in the community, there is a lot of crime there, the suspicion of drug sales, a lot of police call-outs to the place. difficult child 3 took himself for a bike ride and came home telling me about his friends. I said to him, "They are strangers. You do not tell those people about us, I do not want them knowing when we will not be home, for example. They are strangers."</p><p>difficult child 3 replied, "They are not strangers. They know my name."</p><p>I asked, "How do they know your name?"</p><p>He replied, "They asked me and I told them. Then when the man called me by my name, I knew he wasn't a stranger any more."</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 was 10 years old at the time and still couldn't get this. He is a basically honest person and means what he says; so of course he assumes everybody else thinks exactly the same way he does. This is the "theory of mind" aspect of autism, where the person with autism does not understand that there are different perspectives in the world.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 now understands theory of mind, intellectually. But in moments of crisis or impulse, he 'snaps back' to instinct, and no understanding of different perspectives.</p><p></p><p>With support and remedial assistance (sometimes intensive) in areas where they need help, these kids can rise above the disability aspects and become truly remarkable, amazing contributors to society. It may take them longer to get there, but they are wonderful people with unknown potential.</p><p></p><p>It is natural for your husband to grieve the son he thought he had. But he will learn (as we all do) that the son he has is also one to value and be proud of. But the workload is a bit greater and more hands-on. However, the rewards are amazing.</p><p></p><p>If you can get him to lurk here or post here, it might help him. It certainly helps my husband who has even joined this site in his own right.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 360888, member: 1991"] IF this turns out to be something on the autism spectrum somewhere, and that currently is a big if and would need to be thoroughly checked out, that doesn't mean what it used to mean. Our understanding of autism has changed considerably. I also have learned a great deal and had to change a lot of my ideas on autism. If you want to read about it from a positive point of view, look up anything by Tony Attwood on high-functioning autism or on Asperger's Syndrome (one well-known form of high-functioning autism). About the time we were told that autism doesn't just run in our family, it gallops, we were shown a wonderful Tony Attwood article which described the positive qualities of someone with Asperger's. Here are some of them: 1) loyalty. They will often be more loyal than most, sticking to someone like glue. 2) Loving. Contrary to popular opinion, people with autism generally feel emotions very strongly indeed. They just don't always show their feelings openly, in ways we immediately recognise. 3) Honesty. Especially as they get older, they learn that honesty is easier and feels better. 4) Law-abiding. Maybe not always the laws as they are written, but these kids observe the world and work out for themselves what the rules are. They then do their utmost to follow those rules. 5) Determination. When there is something they are motivated to do, they will do it. By hook or by crook. 6) Concentration. When it's something they're really interested in, they can focus on it to the exclusion of all else. They can make a career out of this. Of course, along with these things we have the problems of impulse control, of high frustration, of raging. We need to help them learn self-control because we can never impose our will onto them in order to assert our will. No, we have to learn to lead them and not sit on them. With kids like this you must NEVER use the "Because I said so and I'm the parent, that's why." It not only won't work, it generally makes the problem far, far worse. So does shouting. In fact, anything the child is likely to perceive as you imposing your will onto the child. The plus side of this - you handle it by teaching the child self-control, but such a child is far more able to learn self-control than most. They can accomplish it earlier than you would expect. And frankly, until they DO get self-control, you will need to be there as the facilitator, the helper and the leader (and never the brick wall or obstacle for them). One point I want to make on stereotypes in autism - people assume that those with autism in any form are going to avoid other people and be socially withdrawn. But not necessarily. easy child 2/difficult child 2 as a toddler would go off with total strangers, especially men with beards. We don't know why. difficult child 3 would sit and chat in a crowded shopping centre, chatting to whoever was within earshot. He would tell our family's most intimate secrets to total strangers. I tried to explain to him about stranger danger, but it just didn't sink in. Up the road from us lives a family which are a worry in the community, there is a lot of crime there, the suspicion of drug sales, a lot of police call-outs to the place. difficult child 3 took himself for a bike ride and came home telling me about his friends. I said to him, "They are strangers. You do not tell those people about us, I do not want them knowing when we will not be home, for example. They are strangers." difficult child 3 replied, "They are not strangers. They know my name." I asked, "How do they know your name?" He replied, "They asked me and I told them. Then when the man called me by my name, I knew he wasn't a stranger any more." difficult child 3 was 10 years old at the time and still couldn't get this. He is a basically honest person and means what he says; so of course he assumes everybody else thinks exactly the same way he does. This is the "theory of mind" aspect of autism, where the person with autism does not understand that there are different perspectives in the world. difficult child 3 now understands theory of mind, intellectually. But in moments of crisis or impulse, he 'snaps back' to instinct, and no understanding of different perspectives. With support and remedial assistance (sometimes intensive) in areas where they need help, these kids can rise above the disability aspects and become truly remarkable, amazing contributors to society. It may take them longer to get there, but they are wonderful people with unknown potential. It is natural for your husband to grieve the son he thought he had. But he will learn (as we all do) that the son he has is also one to value and be proud of. But the workload is a bit greater and more hands-on. However, the rewards are amazing. If you can get him to lurk here or post here, it might help him. It certainly helps my husband who has even joined this site in his own right. Marg [/QUOTE]
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