You and husband both need to be on the same page.
I was raised strictly; my husband's parents were more lenient. But I can tell you - being heavy-handed with these kids will make any ODD a lot worse.
You BOTH need to read "The Explosive Child". There is also some discussion on this in Early Childhood, if it would be easier for husband to read. I don't know what it is, but some blokes just seem to have trouble wrapping their brains around books like this, although they would do anything for their child. Or step-child.
I wrote a summary of the book for husband - writing it helped me understand it better, too. I also explained it to him and he's seen it in action.
Someone mentioned a journal - we called ours a Communication Book and it helped a great deal.
Also something I highly recommend - see if your husband will post with you, or at least lurk through your ID on this site. It's made an amazing, positive difference to us and we thought we already communicated well - now it's amazing.
Good luck, there is a lot of support and ideas here.
Marg
