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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 130447" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Susie has a point in how he is seeing himself. And it's not necessarily the label of disability, but whether and to what degree that label is seen as negative.</p><p></p><p>My boys know they are on the autism spectrum. easy child 2/difficult child 2 considers herself Aspie as well. For them, that knowledge has been empowering, because we presented it to them that way. difficult child 1 was 6 when told he had ADHD, and his main emotion was one of relief - up until then, he had thought he was a kid who was bad all the way through and nothing could be done. He felt very low about himself. Then when told there was a reason, and he could be helped - he was so happy!</p><p></p><p>I am physically disabled. I fought the label for a long time, until I realised that picking up a walking stick, allowing people to push me in a wheelchair, taking on the other trappings of disability - it was freeing. Instead of trying to continue to pretend that nothing was wrong, and to try to "keep up appearances", I gave way and accepted the help. It felt like a huge load fell off my shoulders. </p><p></p><p>Not everybody views disability this way, and especially for some kids (and kids of parents who try to submerge the degree to which the problem is impacting their lives) there is a strong sense of shame associated with any impairment. Until you can get past that shame (as I had to) you are hampered by it and see yourself as a failure.</p><p></p><p>This lad should be in counselling. So should the family. Sounds like it could be too late to get him into counselling.</p><p></p><p>Is there an organisation the parents could join, something like Nar-Anon? They need to know just what they need to do, and be given the backbone to know it is the right thing to do. My oldest sister went through something similar with two of her sons, one in particular. She had to learn to stop enabling him, because all it was doing was prolonging the agony and in fact making it possible for him to get even further down in the dark hole of drug use, than if she had thrown him out sooner.</p><p></p><p>He's 18. He is making his own choices. he is legally entitled to do so. By allowing him to continue to break the rules and still stay in the house, they ARE enabling. If they have any other kids, they will be learning a bad message - "I can misbehave, and I will get away with it."</p><p></p><p>He is treating them like dirt. For HIS sake, they must not be doormats.</p><p></p><p>Warn him. Once. If this doesn't stop IMMEDIATELY, he will be evicted. If he gets abusive or offensive over this, they WILL take out a protection order against him. He can come home only when he follows the rules.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter whether he is an adult or a child, in this. You can do this with an adult, because it is making him use his adult responsibilities to make wise choices. It's a form of verbal contract, such as you can have with anybody for any purpose. When you own the house, you can make the rules. You cannot dispose of his possessions without proper process, but part of that process is warning of consequences (do it in writing, if you really want to be safe from legal reprisals) and then following through. You ARE entitled to protect yourself from abuse, from physical harm, from threat, from danger. There are legal processes to follow, but if you follow them you should be in the right. Legally.</p><p></p><p>Morally - there will be people who will be critical, because he will spin (sounds like he already is spinning) some really nasty tales. (You ARE entitled to sue him for slander, if you want to - you COULD threaten - talk to the teacher who made the accusation of 'bad parenting' and get a statement from that teacher on what the young man has told her about his family life. If there was a witness or more, you've got grounds).</p><p>But be prepared for some people to think badly of you. It will happen. And if you DON'T throw him out - some people will think badly of you, for apparently endorsing his behaviour and allowing his continue presence to corrupt neighbourhood people he comes into contact with.</p><p></p><p>Even now, he will be needing to pay for his pot. How is he paying for it NOW? I strongly suspect he is being encouraged to peddle it, possibly at school. Drug users have little conscience, if it is likely to interfere with their pleasure. There could be a lot more going on with him that would totally horrify his parents if they knew. And it's highly likely that somewhere, people DO know and are shaking their heads at his parents for allowing it (or not knowing it).</p><p></p><p>This really sounds to me like a tough love scenario. And if you're wondering how badly he will do at school if the parents throw him out - how well is he going to do as things are now?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes the longer you try to hold on to him, the worse he will behave just to make you let go. And sometimes it just delays (and worsens) the end result.</p><p></p><p>My nephew left home at 15. My sister did everything she could to prevent it. In the end things became far worse. But when he tried to come home, thinking he could go back to his old ways but with the same old comfortable roof over his head, he was horrified to find the furniture in his room had all been painted pink, for his sister to move in. His stuff (that he hadn't taken with him) was gone. "You weren't going to be using it, why have the clutter?" his mother told him, as she made up a spare bed for him in the garage for the night. "You stormed out, said you'd never darken the doorstep again, so why keep your room how you like it? I took you at your word."</p><p></p><p>My sister wasn't tough enough, she let him stay again. He eventually ended up on heroin, in jail numerous times for drug and robbery offences. He's had a number of kids with a number of girlfriends but it took him a lot more years to finally realise he had to stop blaming other people, stop wasting his time and money, and take responsibility for himself and what he had done to his life.</p><p></p><p>You can't so this for them. They have to do it themselves. And if it takes them venturing into Hades and back for them to realise it - so be it. They won't work it out for themselves if you're holding their hands for them and subsidising their drug habit with free food and cheap rent.</p><p></p><p>But this is a hard message for parents to learn. Nar-Anon (or similar) can help.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 130447, member: 1991"] Susie has a point in how he is seeing himself. And it's not necessarily the label of disability, but whether and to what degree that label is seen as negative. My boys know they are on the autism spectrum. easy child 2/difficult child 2 considers herself Aspie as well. For them, that knowledge has been empowering, because we presented it to them that way. difficult child 1 was 6 when told he had ADHD, and his main emotion was one of relief - up until then, he had thought he was a kid who was bad all the way through and nothing could be done. He felt very low about himself. Then when told there was a reason, and he could be helped - he was so happy! I am physically disabled. I fought the label for a long time, until I realised that picking up a walking stick, allowing people to push me in a wheelchair, taking on the other trappings of disability - it was freeing. Instead of trying to continue to pretend that nothing was wrong, and to try to "keep up appearances", I gave way and accepted the help. It felt like a huge load fell off my shoulders. Not everybody views disability this way, and especially for some kids (and kids of parents who try to submerge the degree to which the problem is impacting their lives) there is a strong sense of shame associated with any impairment. Until you can get past that shame (as I had to) you are hampered by it and see yourself as a failure. This lad should be in counselling. So should the family. Sounds like it could be too late to get him into counselling. Is there an organisation the parents could join, something like Nar-Anon? They need to know just what they need to do, and be given the backbone to know it is the right thing to do. My oldest sister went through something similar with two of her sons, one in particular. She had to learn to stop enabling him, because all it was doing was prolonging the agony and in fact making it possible for him to get even further down in the dark hole of drug use, than if she had thrown him out sooner. He's 18. He is making his own choices. he is legally entitled to do so. By allowing him to continue to break the rules and still stay in the house, they ARE enabling. If they have any other kids, they will be learning a bad message - "I can misbehave, and I will get away with it." He is treating them like dirt. For HIS sake, they must not be doormats. Warn him. Once. If this doesn't stop IMMEDIATELY, he will be evicted. If he gets abusive or offensive over this, they WILL take out a protection order against him. He can come home only when he follows the rules. It doesn't matter whether he is an adult or a child, in this. You can do this with an adult, because it is making him use his adult responsibilities to make wise choices. It's a form of verbal contract, such as you can have with anybody for any purpose. When you own the house, you can make the rules. You cannot dispose of his possessions without proper process, but part of that process is warning of consequences (do it in writing, if you really want to be safe from legal reprisals) and then following through. You ARE entitled to protect yourself from abuse, from physical harm, from threat, from danger. There are legal processes to follow, but if you follow them you should be in the right. Legally. Morally - there will be people who will be critical, because he will spin (sounds like he already is spinning) some really nasty tales. (You ARE entitled to sue him for slander, if you want to - you COULD threaten - talk to the teacher who made the accusation of 'bad parenting' and get a statement from that teacher on what the young man has told her about his family life. If there was a witness or more, you've got grounds). But be prepared for some people to think badly of you. It will happen. And if you DON'T throw him out - some people will think badly of you, for apparently endorsing his behaviour and allowing his continue presence to corrupt neighbourhood people he comes into contact with. Even now, he will be needing to pay for his pot. How is he paying for it NOW? I strongly suspect he is being encouraged to peddle it, possibly at school. Drug users have little conscience, if it is likely to interfere with their pleasure. There could be a lot more going on with him that would totally horrify his parents if they knew. And it's highly likely that somewhere, people DO know and are shaking their heads at his parents for allowing it (or not knowing it). This really sounds to me like a tough love scenario. And if you're wondering how badly he will do at school if the parents throw him out - how well is he going to do as things are now? Sometimes the longer you try to hold on to him, the worse he will behave just to make you let go. And sometimes it just delays (and worsens) the end result. My nephew left home at 15. My sister did everything she could to prevent it. In the end things became far worse. But when he tried to come home, thinking he could go back to his old ways but with the same old comfortable roof over his head, he was horrified to find the furniture in his room had all been painted pink, for his sister to move in. His stuff (that he hadn't taken with him) was gone. "You weren't going to be using it, why have the clutter?" his mother told him, as she made up a spare bed for him in the garage for the night. "You stormed out, said you'd never darken the doorstep again, so why keep your room how you like it? I took you at your word." My sister wasn't tough enough, she let him stay again. He eventually ended up on heroin, in jail numerous times for drug and robbery offences. He's had a number of kids with a number of girlfriends but it took him a lot more years to finally realise he had to stop blaming other people, stop wasting his time and money, and take responsibility for himself and what he had done to his life. You can't so this for them. They have to do it themselves. And if it takes them venturing into Hades and back for them to realise it - so be it. They won't work it out for themselves if you're holding their hands for them and subsidising their drug habit with free food and cheap rent. But this is a hard message for parents to learn. Nar-Anon (or similar) can help. Marg [/QUOTE]
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