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Help! Is this normal for a private Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 746246" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I will be traveling today. I seem to be addicted to your story. Let me say this first. I believe that there has to be some commonality between how the facility and you understand your son, joint acceptance of the nature of the interventions, and what you believe will support him and you.</p><p></p><p>The MD needs you to be "completely on board" and a "unified front." What about them? Can that facility hear you? Even a little bit? What about them being on board with YOU? Are they willing to be a partnership with you?</p><p></p><p>My feeling about them remains the same. If they are the only place available, and they are good enough, that's one thing. If there are other much better options, where there can be a real partnership and confidence, that's another thing. Or if they are grossly inadequate, that's another thing.</p><p></p><p>I might ask the MD in the present place what he thinks about the possibility of some trauma, and see how he responds. Not that that hypothesis is necessary correct (except it is, with the disclosure of rape) but to elicit some demonstration of his willingness to be open to you, and to L. You don't want somebody imposing their beliefs, expectations, on him. You want somebody open to him, to let him express himself in a healing way.</p><p>Whaaaat? Did he mean firmly or what?</p><p>If it was me I would have this conversation with L. It seems like biodad's only skin in the game, so to speak, is his fear he will have to come up with more money.</p><p></p><p>And when you speak with L. you will have two goals. One is to hear him, about the facility and about what he wants, what has happened to him, what he feels and thinks, and the other, to keep in mind what you need and expect (in a positive sense) and not be afraid to say so to L, as needed. That is, these are the issues that need to be confronted, and that the facility needs to be able to help him with them, in a way that he can accept: self-harm, harm to others. The running away, depression, etc., your relationship.</p><p></p><p>There is a reality here.</p><p></p><p>I would want to know from L. what it is about the facility that now renders it acceptable to him. I would want to know from L. how he feels about the possibility of a change. I would want to convey to L. that he is doing well, and, yes, that I trust him.(I will explain.)</p><p></p><p>Because even if we fear our children and they have betrayed us, <u>there is or is not</u> a deep connection, a well of love and belief, that we have to find too (or not.) This is to what I believe SWOT is referring. She writes about being damaged to the core. I don't think you can come down on both sides here. I think you need to decide where you stand.</p><p></p><p>Do you believe that this "bad" L is the real, essential him, and was always him? Or do you believe that he is basically the child you have loved and will always love? That can heal. That something happened to him or is happening within him, that is fueling this. That this can be understood, and will be. And that there can be trust.</p><p></p><p>To me, this is something that is in you, not in some hypothetical future, or even in L. You need to understand where you decide. As do I.</p><p></p><p>So. This is looping back to the facility. The last I heard they were saying things like <em>treatment will not help him, or that he would always be like this</em>...etc. And now they are saying they can help him. What has changed? I would need to hear that specifically from them. I would need to understand how they posit L's distress, and how they think they can help him. Because how can they help him if they do not believe he can change?</p><p></p><p>If they cannot come up with something that you can buy, I would lean to moving him. And I would try to explain it to him. He is old enough where he can understand, I believe. Because we are talking about HOPE and LOVE.</p><p></p><p>So. There is work for you to do too. You, I believe, need to decide where you stand. And make a commitment. Not to bringing him back. But to what you're willing to fight for.</p><p>Look. He is a troubled 16 year old who essentially has no power and no resources. His bag of tricks is very minimal. Unfortunately, this is one of his tricks.</p><p></p><p>My son did this and he was much older.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, they are impulsive and out of control and they do harm or kill themselves. L. needs to learn to understand that he cannot hold himself hostage in order to get his way. He can't put his life on the life to get what he wants.</p><p></p><p>If he talks about going home, that is what I would tell him. As long as you are making threats involving YOUR LIFE and as long as there are reasons to fear that MY LIFE (or C's) is on the line, that is EVIDENCE NUMBER ONE treatment is indicated, as long as it is necessary.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 746246, member: 18958"] I will be traveling today. I seem to be addicted to your story. Let me say this first. I believe that there has to be some commonality between how the facility and you understand your son, joint acceptance of the nature of the interventions, and what you believe will support him and you. The MD needs you to be "completely on board" and a "unified front." What about them? Can that facility hear you? Even a little bit? What about them being on board with YOU? Are they willing to be a partnership with you? My feeling about them remains the same. If they are the only place available, and they are good enough, that's one thing. If there are other much better options, where there can be a real partnership and confidence, that's another thing. Or if they are grossly inadequate, that's another thing. I might ask the MD in the present place what he thinks about the possibility of some trauma, and see how he responds. Not that that hypothesis is necessary correct (except it is, with the disclosure of rape) but to elicit some demonstration of his willingness to be open to you, and to L. You don't want somebody imposing their beliefs, expectations, on him. You want somebody open to him, to let him express himself in a healing way. Whaaaat? Did he mean firmly or what? If it was me I would have this conversation with L. It seems like biodad's only skin in the game, so to speak, is his fear he will have to come up with more money. And when you speak with L. you will have two goals. One is to hear him, about the facility and about what he wants, what has happened to him, what he feels and thinks, and the other, to keep in mind what you need and expect (in a positive sense) and not be afraid to say so to L, as needed. That is, these are the issues that need to be confronted, and that the facility needs to be able to help him with them, in a way that he can accept: self-harm, harm to others. The running away, depression, etc., your relationship. There is a reality here. I would want to know from L. what it is about the facility that now renders it acceptable to him. I would want to know from L. how he feels about the possibility of a change. I would want to convey to L. that he is doing well, and, yes, that I trust him.(I will explain.) Because even if we fear our children and they have betrayed us, [U]there is or is not[/U] a deep connection, a well of love and belief, that we have to find too (or not.) This is to what I believe SWOT is referring. She writes about being damaged to the core. I don't think you can come down on both sides here. I think you need to decide where you stand. Do you believe that this "bad" L is the real, essential him, and was always him? Or do you believe that he is basically the child you have loved and will always love? That can heal. That something happened to him or is happening within him, that is fueling this. That this can be understood, and will be. And that there can be trust. To me, this is something that is in you, not in some hypothetical future, or even in L. You need to understand where you decide. As do I. So. This is looping back to the facility. The last I heard they were saying things like [I]treatment will not help him, or that he would always be like this[/I]...etc. And now they are saying they can help him. What has changed? I would need to hear that specifically from them. I would need to understand how they posit L's distress, and how they think they can help him. Because how can they help him if they do not believe he can change? If they cannot come up with something that you can buy, I would lean to moving him. And I would try to explain it to him. He is old enough where he can understand, I believe. Because we are talking about HOPE and LOVE. So. There is work for you to do too. You, I believe, need to decide where you stand. And make a commitment. Not to bringing him back. But to what you're willing to fight for. Look. He is a troubled 16 year old who essentially has no power and no resources. His bag of tricks is very minimal. Unfortunately, this is one of his tricks. My son did this and he was much older. But the thing is, they are impulsive and out of control and they do harm or kill themselves. L. needs to learn to understand that he cannot hold himself hostage in order to get his way. He can't put his life on the life to get what he wants. If he talks about going home, that is what I would tell him. As long as you are making threats involving YOUR LIFE and as long as there are reasons to fear that MY LIFE (or C's) is on the line, that is EVIDENCE NUMBER ONE treatment is indicated, as long as it is necessary. [/QUOTE]
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