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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 466865"><p>Kathy - you have gotten a lot of great advice which I am reading with interest since my son is once again in rehab...</p><p></p><p>I agree with others don't give her false hope... she will figure out a transition plan faster once she gives up on the idea of coming home. She won't move forward with another plan as long as she thinks that is a possibility.</p><p></p><p>I figured in your first post that it was your difficult child that said the counselor thought she should come home... I think that type of thing happens a lot because a good counselor is building a relationship and listening to them and they may take it as agreement when it is just listening. I can just imagine the conversation... your difficult child says I want to go home after rehab... the counselor ok well then how you would continue with keeping your sobriety? A good question but your difficult child would take it as agreement to the going home plan.</p><p></p><p>I agree don't decide right away if you will go back and visit... and then do what feels right to YOU on visiting day. I do think talking to the counselor is a very good idea because she can give you some perspective on her treatment and may have some recommendations about a visit... one thought would be to have a visit as a family therapy session so the counselor is there for it.</p><p></p><p>As far as contracts. Nancy is right I think often difficult children have no intention of following the contract and may just figure they will get around it... certainly true of my difficult child. Where it made sense for me is to make it absolutely clear what the consequences were for breaking the contract. We did this twice. Once when my son was in 9th grade and out of control we had a contract that if he got in trouble with school, or the police he would agree to go to a wilderness program. We knew this is what he needed but wanted to avoid having him taken by surprise in the middle fo the night. He willingly agreed to the contract and then we waited. My husband knew he would break it but I started to worry that he wouldn't. It took 4 days and I got a text message from him saying he woudl go to a program. He had gotten in major trouble at school and possibly with the police and knew he had to go..... The other time was less clear cut but same idea.... where he was back in our house after we had kicked him out once but was flagrantly violating rules again. We just told him he was not obeying the rules and so couldn't live here. So to me contracts are a way to make things really clear, and if they violate them then the consequences are clear and are due to their own doing.... rather than the parents whims.</p><p></p><p>As far as alanon...I know I expected something different than what I got too. It is not really about discussing our difficult children and their issues and solutions as much as finding ways to move forward ourselves... and it is not really discussion but listening to others stories and insights. What I have found really helpful is not feeling alone and hearing others insights on situations that are so similar to my own.. So I learn from their stories and I also learn a lot hearing from people who have been through this and have found ways to have peace and serenity in spite of their loved ones addiction.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 466865"] Kathy - you have gotten a lot of great advice which I am reading with interest since my son is once again in rehab... I agree with others don't give her false hope... she will figure out a transition plan faster once she gives up on the idea of coming home. She won't move forward with another plan as long as she thinks that is a possibility. I figured in your first post that it was your difficult child that said the counselor thought she should come home... I think that type of thing happens a lot because a good counselor is building a relationship and listening to them and they may take it as agreement when it is just listening. I can just imagine the conversation... your difficult child says I want to go home after rehab... the counselor ok well then how you would continue with keeping your sobriety? A good question but your difficult child would take it as agreement to the going home plan. I agree don't decide right away if you will go back and visit... and then do what feels right to YOU on visiting day. I do think talking to the counselor is a very good idea because she can give you some perspective on her treatment and may have some recommendations about a visit... one thought would be to have a visit as a family therapy session so the counselor is there for it. As far as contracts. Nancy is right I think often difficult children have no intention of following the contract and may just figure they will get around it... certainly true of my difficult child. Where it made sense for me is to make it absolutely clear what the consequences were for breaking the contract. We did this twice. Once when my son was in 9th grade and out of control we had a contract that if he got in trouble with school, or the police he would agree to go to a wilderness program. We knew this is what he needed but wanted to avoid having him taken by surprise in the middle fo the night. He willingly agreed to the contract and then we waited. My husband knew he would break it but I started to worry that he wouldn't. It took 4 days and I got a text message from him saying he woudl go to a program. He had gotten in major trouble at school and possibly with the police and knew he had to go..... The other time was less clear cut but same idea.... where he was back in our house after we had kicked him out once but was flagrantly violating rules again. We just told him he was not obeying the rules and so couldn't live here. So to me contracts are a way to make things really clear, and if they violate them then the consequences are clear and are due to their own doing.... rather than the parents whims. As far as alanon...I know I expected something different than what I got too. It is not really about discussing our difficult children and their issues and solutions as much as finding ways to move forward ourselves... and it is not really discussion but listening to others stories and insights. What I have found really helpful is not feeling alone and hearing others insights on situations that are so similar to my own.. So I learn from their stories and I also learn a lot hearing from people who have been through this and have found ways to have peace and serenity in spite of their loved ones addiction. TL [/QUOTE]
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