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Help! Poor social skills...now I'm afraid to volunteer again
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 608127" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am glad I could help. Sometimes things come out more harshly than what I mean, and I am glad this didn't seem that way. I tend to be a bit more blunt than many people can handle. </p><p></p><p>I TOTALLY understand what you mean about it being easier to join a group of less than stable people, and have fallen into that trap myself more than a few times. I was raised to see and respect all sorts of people and intelligence levels and not to refuse to be friends with someone because they seem odd or not traditionally intelligent. My folks always had friends who were rich and/or well educated and friends that were blue collar or below, and they enjoyed them all for who and what they were as long as they were not terribly unstable. But for many years the people I have met seem to have more fun looking down on others than being who they are. It has led me to pretty much stay out of groups for the last few years. My migraines really interfere with any and all plans I make, and when you add the ohter health issues, it is hard to meet anyone on a regular basis. But sitting back a bit has allowed me to realize some things about myself and those who claim to be friends and/or family. Mostly they cannot be bothered if they don't want something from me, or if they cannot get that from me when they want it (babysitting, help remodelling/painting/wallpapering, some craft project for their church or group or whatever). So I have really come to see who my true friends are, and are not. It has helped me see that it is not me most of the time. It is the nature of them wanting something from me and not being willing to have anything to do with me if I ever want any help with anything or don't want to do what they want. </p><p></p><p>I find this makes me more selective about making friends, and those I do make are far, far better friends. I think that is what you are in also.</p><p></p><p>Many areas have a Habitat for Humanity ReStore that always needs help. Your church likely has many programs they would LOVE to have you help with - in the nursery, bible study for kids (even if you cannot teach it, you can help as an extra pair of hands to keep the little ones out of trouble!) or iwth other projects. You probably also have a food pantry in the area that would appreciate help, as well as senior programs like meals on wheels or things at a seniors center, or you could help in some way at your hospital or even a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. You can also go directly to the local schools and ask if any of the teachers could use a hand on Monday mornings or Wed afternoons or whatever. If you have regular time available, many elem schools would be THRILLED to have you help the kids with the alphabet or during lunch/recess or in the library or whatever you would enjoy. Some require you to be fingerprinted and have a background check, but it isn't a big deal and the whole Head Start thing should not enter into it. If Head STart people pokes their noses in, threaten to sue them for spreading slander and for defamation of character. As your former employer, they are not allowed by federal law to do anything other than to confirm the date you started and the date you stopped and that you worked for them. ANYTHING else, even 'she was a good worker' can be grounds for a lawsuit - been there done that iwth an employer who ended up having to pay out serious money because he described a server as a good employee and the hiring company said that because she was not a 'great' employee and the employer didn't gush about how great she was, they refused to hire her and my direct boss and the company both had to pay her. The real reason she wasn't hired was she was unable to get into the very small places to do whatever the job needed (factory job that she had to fit itno a certain space to run the machines) but the company didn't want to say that she had to lose 200 pounds before she could even try to do the job. </p><p></p><p>I learned then to not say a word other than to confirm employment dates and have worked with large and small businesses who advise all supervisors that they cannot say anything else. You cannot pass on info because it is seen as 'blackballing' someone if what you say isn't exactly what they are looking for. Hogwash, but even hogs need to get clean and ten the hogwash comes in real handy, doesn't it?</p><p></p><p>I wish I could give you a hug right back, MWM. You truly are one of the nicest, most truly caring and sweet people I have known. You almost always worry about others first, even when helping them could/will/has hurt you in some way. Maybe it is time to reward yourself for being a truly kind and lovely person by forgiving yourself for your social stumbles (most people will not notice them, and esp won't notice them to the degree you do, I promise. Those that notice and make a big deal? Are sooooooooooo insecure as to make their opinion not just worthless but none of your business. It can be lots of fun to tell them that what they are saying about you is not your business, so could they puh-leeeze at least have the courtesy to not babble on about it in your presence. Of all the things I have told people in this situation, that works BEST. They don't have a CLUE how to handle you. </p><p></p><p>You will find a niche. I can help with more specific volunteer ideas/suggestions if you PM me your city, county and state. It wouldn't be a big deal to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 608127, member: 1233"] I am glad I could help. Sometimes things come out more harshly than what I mean, and I am glad this didn't seem that way. I tend to be a bit more blunt than many people can handle. I TOTALLY understand what you mean about it being easier to join a group of less than stable people, and have fallen into that trap myself more than a few times. I was raised to see and respect all sorts of people and intelligence levels and not to refuse to be friends with someone because they seem odd or not traditionally intelligent. My folks always had friends who were rich and/or well educated and friends that were blue collar or below, and they enjoyed them all for who and what they were as long as they were not terribly unstable. But for many years the people I have met seem to have more fun looking down on others than being who they are. It has led me to pretty much stay out of groups for the last few years. My migraines really interfere with any and all plans I make, and when you add the ohter health issues, it is hard to meet anyone on a regular basis. But sitting back a bit has allowed me to realize some things about myself and those who claim to be friends and/or family. Mostly they cannot be bothered if they don't want something from me, or if they cannot get that from me when they want it (babysitting, help remodelling/painting/wallpapering, some craft project for their church or group or whatever). So I have really come to see who my true friends are, and are not. It has helped me see that it is not me most of the time. It is the nature of them wanting something from me and not being willing to have anything to do with me if I ever want any help with anything or don't want to do what they want. I find this makes me more selective about making friends, and those I do make are far, far better friends. I think that is what you are in also. Many areas have a Habitat for Humanity ReStore that always needs help. Your church likely has many programs they would LOVE to have you help with - in the nursery, bible study for kids (even if you cannot teach it, you can help as an extra pair of hands to keep the little ones out of trouble!) or iwth other projects. You probably also have a food pantry in the area that would appreciate help, as well as senior programs like meals on wheels or things at a seniors center, or you could help in some way at your hospital or even a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. You can also go directly to the local schools and ask if any of the teachers could use a hand on Monday mornings or Wed afternoons or whatever. If you have regular time available, many elem schools would be THRILLED to have you help the kids with the alphabet or during lunch/recess or in the library or whatever you would enjoy. Some require you to be fingerprinted and have a background check, but it isn't a big deal and the whole Head Start thing should not enter into it. If Head STart people pokes their noses in, threaten to sue them for spreading slander and for defamation of character. As your former employer, they are not allowed by federal law to do anything other than to confirm the date you started and the date you stopped and that you worked for them. ANYTHING else, even 'she was a good worker' can be grounds for a lawsuit - been there done that iwth an employer who ended up having to pay out serious money because he described a server as a good employee and the hiring company said that because she was not a 'great' employee and the employer didn't gush about how great she was, they refused to hire her and my direct boss and the company both had to pay her. The real reason she wasn't hired was she was unable to get into the very small places to do whatever the job needed (factory job that she had to fit itno a certain space to run the machines) but the company didn't want to say that she had to lose 200 pounds before she could even try to do the job. I learned then to not say a word other than to confirm employment dates and have worked with large and small businesses who advise all supervisors that they cannot say anything else. You cannot pass on info because it is seen as 'blackballing' someone if what you say isn't exactly what they are looking for. Hogwash, but even hogs need to get clean and ten the hogwash comes in real handy, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug right back, MWM. You truly are one of the nicest, most truly caring and sweet people I have known. You almost always worry about others first, even when helping them could/will/has hurt you in some way. Maybe it is time to reward yourself for being a truly kind and lovely person by forgiving yourself for your social stumbles (most people will not notice them, and esp won't notice them to the degree you do, I promise. Those that notice and make a big deal? Are sooooooooooo insecure as to make their opinion not just worthless but none of your business. It can be lots of fun to tell them that what they are saying about you is not your business, so could they puh-leeeze at least have the courtesy to not babble on about it in your presence. Of all the things I have told people in this situation, that works BEST. They don't have a CLUE how to handle you. You will find a niche. I can help with more specific volunteer ideas/suggestions if you PM me your city, county and state. It wouldn't be a big deal to do. [/QUOTE]
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Help! Poor social skills...now I'm afraid to volunteer again
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