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Help! Son with Anti-Social Person. Disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 603430" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>GTG, welcome. I'm glad you found us, but very sorry you had to go looking....................your story is familiar, as we have many adult kids who fit a similar profile of having some disabilities but refuse help and cause major disturbances, distress and negativity in the rest of the family. I have a great deal of empathy for you, I understand how tired you feel and how depleted and resentful one gets after putting up with this kind of behavior for a long time. </p><p></p><p>I believe your choices to take away the car, money and giving him a deadline to get a job is really the only choice left to you. I believe it is the right thing to do. Detachment is hard on us parents, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment, it's helpful. </p><p></p><p>I think first of all you must do some research to find out how you legally evict someone from your home. In some states, you must go to court, even if the person you're evicting is your adult child. So find that out first. Once you get that information, you will be free to remove him if he doesn't get a job. If you have been enabling him for a long time, it's pretty likely he isn't going to be jumping into action, he will assume he can manipulate you as he has always done, into giving him what he wants. Be aware that when you change <u>your</u> behavior, <u>his </u>behavior will escalate because you will be threatening his 'easy ride.' Here in CA. when you evict someone,(which incidentally requires a court order) you can call the Sheriff and they will escort the person out. Find out exactly how you need to proceed so you can move to the next step if you have to. If you have no legal procedures to fulfill, you may want to ask his brother, or even the cops to escort him out. In the meantime, I would start asserting exactly what the changes are and what the consequences are for not upholding the boundaries you set forth. Do not back down. Once you set the boundary, if you back down, no one will believe you after that. The boundaries have to be ones with no loopholes, they are your rules, end of story. </p><p></p><p>The only person who can make your son change his ways is himself. You have NO power to do that. All you can do is take care of yourself and learn to respond differently. If you have access to therapy, use it, this is a hard, very challenging path, it's likely you will need some professional help in order to stay strong and hang tough. </p><p></p><p>It is your home, you are the one who has the control and power, not him, do not allow him to hold you hostage in your own home. You pay the bills, you make the rules. He can't abide by them, he leaves. You can give him a list of the local shelters, that may be his only option. Or he may have friends he can live with. These kids are remarkably resourceful when left to their own devices. He needs to face the consequences of his bad behavior. It is not okay to abuse you, be violent, disrespectful, lazy, a liar, to use you and manipulate you...........you would not accept this behavior from anyone else, don't accept it from your son. </p><p></p><p>Enabling is <strong>not</strong> "meeting someone's needs" in a loving way, it is robbing them of the opportunity to be responsible for their actions and behaviors and to learn to take care of themselves. It hurts everyone. Detaching is the path we take to take care of ourselves in the midst of the chaos our kids present us with and it is the chance for them to recognize that they must step up to the plate and get the help they need and get healthy...........or not. It's <strong>their </strong>choice. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you find yourself here. None of us would choose this. Keep posting, it does really help. Focus on you and what YOU need. Take care of YOU. Do nurturing, nice, comforting things for yourself. Begin the process of putting your energy into yourself and taking the focus off of him. I wish you peace...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 603430, member: 13542"] GTG, welcome. I'm glad you found us, but very sorry you had to go looking....................your story is familiar, as we have many adult kids who fit a similar profile of having some disabilities but refuse help and cause major disturbances, distress and negativity in the rest of the family. I have a great deal of empathy for you, I understand how tired you feel and how depleted and resentful one gets after putting up with this kind of behavior for a long time. I believe your choices to take away the car, money and giving him a deadline to get a job is really the only choice left to you. I believe it is the right thing to do. Detachment is hard on us parents, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment, it's helpful. I think first of all you must do some research to find out how you legally evict someone from your home. In some states, you must go to court, even if the person you're evicting is your adult child. So find that out first. Once you get that information, you will be free to remove him if he doesn't get a job. If you have been enabling him for a long time, it's pretty likely he isn't going to be jumping into action, he will assume he can manipulate you as he has always done, into giving him what he wants. Be aware that when you change [U]your[/U] behavior, [U]his [/U]behavior will escalate because you will be threatening his 'easy ride.' Here in CA. when you evict someone,(which incidentally requires a court order) you can call the Sheriff and they will escort the person out. Find out exactly how you need to proceed so you can move to the next step if you have to. If you have no legal procedures to fulfill, you may want to ask his brother, or even the cops to escort him out. In the meantime, I would start asserting exactly what the changes are and what the consequences are for not upholding the boundaries you set forth. Do not back down. Once you set the boundary, if you back down, no one will believe you after that. The boundaries have to be ones with no loopholes, they are your rules, end of story. The only person who can make your son change his ways is himself. You have NO power to do that. All you can do is take care of yourself and learn to respond differently. If you have access to therapy, use it, this is a hard, very challenging path, it's likely you will need some professional help in order to stay strong and hang tough. It is your home, you are the one who has the control and power, not him, do not allow him to hold you hostage in your own home. You pay the bills, you make the rules. He can't abide by them, he leaves. You can give him a list of the local shelters, that may be his only option. Or he may have friends he can live with. These kids are remarkably resourceful when left to their own devices. He needs to face the consequences of his bad behavior. It is not okay to abuse you, be violent, disrespectful, lazy, a liar, to use you and manipulate you...........you would not accept this behavior from anyone else, don't accept it from your son. Enabling is [B]not[/B] "meeting someone's needs" in a loving way, it is robbing them of the opportunity to be responsible for their actions and behaviors and to learn to take care of themselves. It hurts everyone. Detaching is the path we take to take care of ourselves in the midst of the chaos our kids present us with and it is the chance for them to recognize that they must step up to the plate and get the help they need and get healthy...........or not. It's [B]their [/B]choice. I'm sorry you find yourself here. None of us would choose this. Keep posting, it does really help. Focus on you and what YOU need. Take care of YOU. Do nurturing, nice, comforting things for yourself. Begin the process of putting your energy into yourself and taking the focus off of him. I wish you peace............... [/QUOTE]
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