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Help! Son with Anti-Social Person. Disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 603543" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Gathered, you're doing a wonderful job, you've really grabbed hold of this situation and you're going forward, I am impressed. I know how hard it is to change our own behavior and start the whole process of becoming healthy. Great job! Change is scary for all of us, it's part of the human condition, some of us are better at it, but we all have some anxiety and fear going in, you're not alone. And, this change is a big one, it involves your child, it involves your mothers heart, so just know that your reactions are completely normal and fear is a natural component.........as the saying goes, "feel the fear and do it anyway"...........</p><p></p><p>I think you handled the talk with your son beautifully, even insisting he take his medications. You're already learning that elusive line between love and enabling, you've stepped back and given yourself enough distance from your son to see what needs to happen now. Only you can decide the right timing about his moving out, I think you're right that his getting a job and then moving out is a lot to put on his plate given all of his anxiety. One step at a time. It seems like a good idea to focus on his getting a job first and then reevaluate how you feel and work out the dates at that time. You've made some good decisions and now at least he understands what is expected of him.</p><p></p><p>I am especially happy that you have a support group meeting this Thursday. You and your son can share how you were scared of change but you did it anyway, you will be a good role model for him to see you face your fears and then receive new opportunities as a result. I found CoDa meetings to be very helpful. There are good books on that subject as well, <u>Codependent no more </u>by Melodie Beattie and <u>Facing Codependency</u> by Pia Mellody. I think I mentioned that I was in a year and a half long program at a huge HMO for Codependency issues, I had private therapy and was in a group which met once a week, lead by therapists. It helped me tremendously to turn the corner on my own issues, learn tools to deal with my daughter and be able to find peace in my own life in spite of what my daughter is doing or not doing. It really was a life saver. Like you are doing, I took one step at a time, I learned new ways of dealing with old issues, I changed my own behaviors and I stopped rescuing my daughter. I changed. </p><p></p><p>I am impressed with how much you've done in just a few days. You were certainly ready for this change. I think that's how it happens a lot, we just get sick and tired of being sick and tired and we move forward. Just remember, this is a process, there are no rules, we go up and down and sideways, there are many feelings, fear, anger, resentment, sorrow, they all come with this detachment.........but if you have the courage to keep moving forward, <em>your life will change and you <u>WILL</u> find peace.</em> Your son may as well, but the bottom line is that that is up to him. </p><p></p><p>In addition to getting help and dealing with your son, find ways to nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, focus on YOUR needs......one of the serious components of enabling and codependency is that we turn our focus outwards to external forces and literally ignore our own needs and desires. Ask yourself what is it that YOU need, what makes YOU happy, what can you do today that will make you smile and feel good. Do something kind for YOU every day, many times a day, if that is simply taking a walk, or buying yourself flowers, or taking a bath, or having a manicure, or talking with a girlfriend, taking time to sit in the sun and read a book...............whatever it is, do it. Good job Gathering...........hugs.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 603543, member: 13542"] Gathered, you're doing a wonderful job, you've really grabbed hold of this situation and you're going forward, I am impressed. I know how hard it is to change our own behavior and start the whole process of becoming healthy. Great job! Change is scary for all of us, it's part of the human condition, some of us are better at it, but we all have some anxiety and fear going in, you're not alone. And, this change is a big one, it involves your child, it involves your mothers heart, so just know that your reactions are completely normal and fear is a natural component.........as the saying goes, "feel the fear and do it anyway"........... I think you handled the talk with your son beautifully, even insisting he take his medications. You're already learning that elusive line between love and enabling, you've stepped back and given yourself enough distance from your son to see what needs to happen now. Only you can decide the right timing about his moving out, I think you're right that his getting a job and then moving out is a lot to put on his plate given all of his anxiety. One step at a time. It seems like a good idea to focus on his getting a job first and then reevaluate how you feel and work out the dates at that time. You've made some good decisions and now at least he understands what is expected of him. I am especially happy that you have a support group meeting this Thursday. You and your son can share how you were scared of change but you did it anyway, you will be a good role model for him to see you face your fears and then receive new opportunities as a result. I found CoDa meetings to be very helpful. There are good books on that subject as well, [U]Codependent no more [/U]by Melodie Beattie and [U]Facing Codependency[/U] by Pia Mellody. I think I mentioned that I was in a year and a half long program at a huge HMO for Codependency issues, I had private therapy and was in a group which met once a week, lead by therapists. It helped me tremendously to turn the corner on my own issues, learn tools to deal with my daughter and be able to find peace in my own life in spite of what my daughter is doing or not doing. It really was a life saver. Like you are doing, I took one step at a time, I learned new ways of dealing with old issues, I changed my own behaviors and I stopped rescuing my daughter. I changed. I am impressed with how much you've done in just a few days. You were certainly ready for this change. I think that's how it happens a lot, we just get sick and tired of being sick and tired and we move forward. Just remember, this is a process, there are no rules, we go up and down and sideways, there are many feelings, fear, anger, resentment, sorrow, they all come with this detachment.........but if you have the courage to keep moving forward, [I]your life will change and you [U]WILL[/U] find peace.[/I] Your son may as well, but the bottom line is that that is up to him. In addition to getting help and dealing with your son, find ways to nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, focus on YOUR needs......one of the serious components of enabling and codependency is that we turn our focus outwards to external forces and literally ignore our own needs and desires. Ask yourself what is it that YOU need, what makes YOU happy, what can you do today that will make you smile and feel good. Do something kind for YOU every day, many times a day, if that is simply taking a walk, or buying yourself flowers, or taking a bath, or having a manicure, or talking with a girlfriend, taking time to sit in the sun and read a book...............whatever it is, do it. Good job Gathering...........hugs............. [/QUOTE]
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