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<blockquote data-quote="Tiapet" data-source="post: 617100" data-attributes="member: 455"><p>Hi and welcome! I'm sorry you're having all these problems. It's great that you have relatively few problems with your kids. That's the good point. The other issue is how to get them to help. While I'm not fully in your situation (I have 1 adult child) I do have some suggestions for you and you can, as we say, take them or pass them up.</p><p></p><p>Since they are adults and you have explained their situations let's address them.</p><p></p><p>For the 17 almost 18 yo - since she is still a minor and not working and living under your roof she SHOULD be helping out. Period. She should not be asking "how much will I get paid for this" ever! You have a few options with her and they can be difficult but they are options non the less. You could deny her privileges, what ever you have that you can take away. Does she have a computer? Take it away until the work is done. A cell phone or phone use? Deny it/take it away. After all you are paying for it (the power and the bill). Does she use the car? Do you have to provide any "rides" for her ever? Don't do it! As for her "revenge" in ripping your things up, you can always put a lock on your door and there are many kinds of them that you can put so that she can't get in to get at your things. If she is that destructive you "could" always call the police on her too (I realize that is extreme but she has no right to destroy or vandalize your things). You could also request her to get part time work. I say this as she could have money of her own but, and I'm going to offer this for the others as well, they ALL could be helping contribute towards perhaps having paying for a maid to come in and help out too since YOU don't have time to do these things. Though it sounds like it's simple things that everyone should be able to look after themselves.</p><p></p><p>Your 20 yo - I have a 22 yo that is in much the same position, though she isn't diagnosis with aspergers (I think she is on the spectrum beyond her BiPolar (BP) and borderline personality disorder too). She too is extremely smart, went to college and ended up having to leave due to suicidal issues and has never gotten back and lives just like your daughter. The difference between yours and mine is that she is on disability. That is what I wanted to ask of you. Have you ever thought of trying to get disability for your daughter? This way she has income, can contribute to the household (ie: rent - my daughter must pay not only rent but her share of all the other expenses as well including car insurance as she drives, cell phone bill for her phone, etc.) It is not an immediate fix but in the long run it will help her and it may help you too economically. My daughter feels and is the same way as yours in respect to she is clean and has issues with the others making messes. She too will use her "own things". I see many similarities in them, including the cutting and suicidal tendencies. It's hard to put on them to do things but I still ask of mine to help out as I have severe health issues and simply can not do things (as opposed to work/time issues like you). I still have messes like you do as well and have the battles and I have 2 younger ones that are complete slobs with BIG issues of their own.</p><p></p><p>Your 23 yo - For her you could either ask her, if she is spending all this time already at her boyfriend's, to move in with him (1 less person to have to pay for in your house and 1 less mess). Or you could see if she would consider finding another job that would be more reliable pay to assist in paying towards rent. Again, she is living there as an adult and "should" be helping pay towards rent in some manner. That doesn't necessarily help with the mess but it will help lessen the overall burden on you. She also should be helping, whether she is there or not, you in picking up her messes after herself at ALL times and also helping when she can otherwise. If she can't afford her loans and save for a car (and she should be paying you something too) then her job is NOT adequate enough to support her needs in life.</p><p></p><p>As for your oldest daughter's ex boyfriend - why is he there to begin with if he is an ex? He ABSOLUTELY should not be staying for free at all. Part time work is not enough to sustain his living needs. He can't afford his own life and he should be paying to live with you and contributing to the household expenses, period! He also should be always picking up after himself at all times and helping where ever and whenever he can too. His burdens should not be your burdens at all! If he is uses the electricity to play his video games then he certainly should be paying for the electricity he is using to play them and he also eats food so he should be paying for that food! Not to mention I'm sure he takes showers and does laundry. That costs as well. As far as the garage door opener being taken by him, that takes a lot of nerve of him to do. It is not his house it is YOUR house. What right does he have to take it? You need to get that back from him and never let him get his hands on it again, ever! Put it in your purse and never let it out of your sight again.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like you are being taken advantage of and walked on by him for sure and at times by your children. You need to gain your strength and pick a time when you have time off and have a sit down meeting with them all. Gather them around and lay it on the line to them This just can not continue and unless you make it very clear to them it WILL continue! Only YOU can stop this.</p><p></p><p>If everyone is contributing and helping clean up AND contributing financially, you will have less stress and worry over the bills and perhaps you might even be able to take some of that money and hire a maid otherwise to pick up the slack of the mess if you so choose due to lack of time. Or you could just outright CHOOSE to have a maid come in and tell them straight out that they are going to have to pay for one since they don't want to do the work!</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to sound mean and nasty. That is not my intent at all. I'm just reading you post and seeing what I see and presenting it back to you. I hope what I've said helps in someway and/or gives you some food for thought.</p><p></p><p>by the way, back to my oldest daughter, while she pays rent as I said and pays other things and has her issues of having to clean up after the others - over time what I have been able to do is work with her and now I "pay" her to help me keep up with the messes in the house cleaning. So it's a win win situation. She can "tolerate" cleaning up after the others much more and is not so bitter and resentful of doing it and because I don't have to have the messes cleaned by a deadline it allows her to do it when she "feels up to it" (but always done) and in her way (she will use gloves or what ever she needs to "touch" others things). I don't have access money to do this and it's not a whole lot I give her but it's a fair amount negotiated with her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiapet, post: 617100, member: 455"] Hi and welcome! I'm sorry you're having all these problems. It's great that you have relatively few problems with your kids. That's the good point. The other issue is how to get them to help. While I'm not fully in your situation (I have 1 adult child) I do have some suggestions for you and you can, as we say, take them or pass them up. Since they are adults and you have explained their situations let's address them. For the 17 almost 18 yo - since she is still a minor and not working and living under your roof she SHOULD be helping out. Period. She should not be asking "how much will I get paid for this" ever! You have a few options with her and they can be difficult but they are options non the less. You could deny her privileges, what ever you have that you can take away. Does she have a computer? Take it away until the work is done. A cell phone or phone use? Deny it/take it away. After all you are paying for it (the power and the bill). Does she use the car? Do you have to provide any "rides" for her ever? Don't do it! As for her "revenge" in ripping your things up, you can always put a lock on your door and there are many kinds of them that you can put so that she can't get in to get at your things. If she is that destructive you "could" always call the police on her too (I realize that is extreme but she has no right to destroy or vandalize your things). You could also request her to get part time work. I say this as she could have money of her own but, and I'm going to offer this for the others as well, they ALL could be helping contribute towards perhaps having paying for a maid to come in and help out too since YOU don't have time to do these things. Though it sounds like it's simple things that everyone should be able to look after themselves. Your 20 yo - I have a 22 yo that is in much the same position, though she isn't diagnosis with aspergers (I think she is on the spectrum beyond her BiPolar (BP) and borderline personality disorder too). She too is extremely smart, went to college and ended up having to leave due to suicidal issues and has never gotten back and lives just like your daughter. The difference between yours and mine is that she is on disability. That is what I wanted to ask of you. Have you ever thought of trying to get disability for your daughter? This way she has income, can contribute to the household (ie: rent - my daughter must pay not only rent but her share of all the other expenses as well including car insurance as she drives, cell phone bill for her phone, etc.) It is not an immediate fix but in the long run it will help her and it may help you too economically. My daughter feels and is the same way as yours in respect to she is clean and has issues with the others making messes. She too will use her "own things". I see many similarities in them, including the cutting and suicidal tendencies. It's hard to put on them to do things but I still ask of mine to help out as I have severe health issues and simply can not do things (as opposed to work/time issues like you). I still have messes like you do as well and have the battles and I have 2 younger ones that are complete slobs with BIG issues of their own. Your 23 yo - For her you could either ask her, if she is spending all this time already at her boyfriend's, to move in with him (1 less person to have to pay for in your house and 1 less mess). Or you could see if she would consider finding another job that would be more reliable pay to assist in paying towards rent. Again, she is living there as an adult and "should" be helping pay towards rent in some manner. That doesn't necessarily help with the mess but it will help lessen the overall burden on you. She also should be helping, whether she is there or not, you in picking up her messes after herself at ALL times and also helping when she can otherwise. If she can't afford her loans and save for a car (and she should be paying you something too) then her job is NOT adequate enough to support her needs in life. As for your oldest daughter's ex boyfriend - why is he there to begin with if he is an ex? He ABSOLUTELY should not be staying for free at all. Part time work is not enough to sustain his living needs. He can't afford his own life and he should be paying to live with you and contributing to the household expenses, period! He also should be always picking up after himself at all times and helping where ever and whenever he can too. His burdens should not be your burdens at all! If he is uses the electricity to play his video games then he certainly should be paying for the electricity he is using to play them and he also eats food so he should be paying for that food! Not to mention I'm sure he takes showers and does laundry. That costs as well. As far as the garage door opener being taken by him, that takes a lot of nerve of him to do. It is not his house it is YOUR house. What right does he have to take it? You need to get that back from him and never let him get his hands on it again, ever! Put it in your purse and never let it out of your sight again. Sounds like you are being taken advantage of and walked on by him for sure and at times by your children. You need to gain your strength and pick a time when you have time off and have a sit down meeting with them all. Gather them around and lay it on the line to them This just can not continue and unless you make it very clear to them it WILL continue! Only YOU can stop this. If everyone is contributing and helping clean up AND contributing financially, you will have less stress and worry over the bills and perhaps you might even be able to take some of that money and hire a maid otherwise to pick up the slack of the mess if you so choose due to lack of time. Or you could just outright CHOOSE to have a maid come in and tell them straight out that they are going to have to pay for one since they don't want to do the work! I don't mean to sound mean and nasty. That is not my intent at all. I'm just reading you post and seeing what I see and presenting it back to you. I hope what I've said helps in someway and/or gives you some food for thought. by the way, back to my oldest daughter, while she pays rent as I said and pays other things and has her issues of having to clean up after the others - over time what I have been able to do is work with her and now I "pay" her to help me keep up with the messes in the house cleaning. So it's a win win situation. She can "tolerate" cleaning up after the others much more and is not so bitter and resentful of doing it and because I don't have to have the messes cleaned by a deadline it allows her to do it when she "feels up to it" (but always done) and in her way (she will use gloves or what ever she needs to "touch" others things). I don't have access money to do this and it's not a whole lot I give her but it's a fair amount negotiated with her. [/QUOTE]
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