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help with in-laws...favors and more favors...VENT!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 113092" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>He is using emotional blackmail on you, if he does not allow you to say no. By reacting the way he does, he is removing choice from you. It is HIS duty, HIS responsibility, not yours. If you choose to help them out, that is your choice.</p><p></p><p>Sit and think (if you have time). They expect things to be done for them, and use manipulation and bullying to get what they want. They are very good at it, for them to have you prepared to even give up your own meal, just to keep the peace.</p><p>And their son - where did he learn to treat you this way? And why the expectation that you will cater to his parents? He won't, his siblings won't. Not without a loud fuss, or some overt expression of frustration.</p><p></p><p>And as for, "You care more about your own family than you do about mine" - the answer is, "Of course! My mother raised me, I value the time I spend with her because she doesn't just seem to see me as a useful tool, she loves me unconditionally. I don't expect you to love my mother more than yours - it is natural to love your parents."</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others - STOP. But you need to communicate this. New Year can be a useful excuse - "This year, my resolution is to stop being a doormat. This is a good thing for everybody, because it will mean that when I choose to do something for you, or spend time with you, it will be because I WANT TO and not out of a misplaced sense of obligation, or because I was bullied into it."</p><p></p><p>I have mother in law living in our pockets. I made the choice in this. She was living alone (previously, easy child had been living with her - they didn't always get on, mother in law can be difficult sometimes especially when she's stressed). husband was needed to go visit her every weekend, mostly to do repairs on her place. She would have a list of jobs to do. He doesn't have a lot of spare energy, and he was spending it all on her house (which was never going to be in good shape, it really needed to be knocked down and rebuilt) and not doing anything at our place. It also took almost three hours to drive there and back. And she s till wasn't happy - many things were wrong for her, in the area where she lived. By being so far away, we really weren't able to do the sort of long-term planning she needed.</p><p>The alternative was to move her to a more suitable house NOT needing to be modified at great expense, and not requiring a long drive to get to. She (to her credit) worried that she would be a burden to us by moving close. I pointed out that living so far away was a bigger burden.</p><p></p><p>Now - much of the time we keep apart. She has developed her own friends and her own interests in the area. She still needs things done for her and I CHOOSE to do things for her simply because it is neighbourly, and I make it clear it fits in with my plans. </p><p>For example, she can no longer drive her car very far, so apart from the village shop, she cannot drive to do her shopping. I do. So when I'm planning a shopping trip, I call her and see if she wants to use the opportunity to do her shopping also. I collect her at her door, load her shopping cart into the car, and we discuss what we want to do and where we want to go. This is consensus. Is this a grocery trip? Or do you want to pay bills? Or visit the bank, or the doctor? We try to blend our plans. "While you're at the doctor, I'll go get my hair cut. Ring me if you want a lift (you might have to wait until the hairdresser is finished) or I will meet you in the supermarket."</p><p></p><p>We work as a team. This also means that she sees if I am tired (just as I can spy on her, too, and 'dob her in' if she's not telling her kids that she's not well). And once I drop her off back home, help her get her shopping inside, I can go home and briefly rest knowing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for her to ring me up and ask me to go to the shop for her. Because I KNOW she has just been shopping.</p><p></p><p>If I am going to the pharmacy for pills, I will ask her if there is anything she wants there. And now she is doing the same for me - she will drop in and ask, "Do you want anything while I'm down at the shop? Or do you want to come too?"</p><p></p><p>This is balanced. It is mutual. It is the way families should be. What you are enduring - it's slavery, it's bullying, it is mean and unfair.</p><p></p><p>If you choose to stop, now, you will need to be firm. You will also need to arm yourself against the bullying tactics. I really can't say whether my method would work for you - it could make them think the doormat is back, or it could reassure them that you do care, but you need respect and consideration.</p><p></p><p>It will boil down to respect. Can they respect you, and respect your need for space? If so, then feel free to help them as long as it fits in with your plans. If not, then they all need a refresher course in what families truly should be for each other.</p><p></p><p>The biggest concern is what is this teaching your children? Are you training them to be doormats, or bullies? Because no matter what you try to say, it is what they see you do that has most impact.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. If necessary, get your doctor to order you to bed. Have a phone with you so you can order takeaway food if necessary, or maybe ring your inlaws and ask them to bring you up a meal, since you are supposed to be staying in bed.</p><p></p><p>One last naughty thought - if they insist that you have to keep bringing them a plate of food, then develop weird ethnic tastes. Go totally vegan and fed them a bowl of lentils and yoghurt. Tell them it's what you must eat now, because stress has pushed your blood pressure so high.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 113092, member: 1991"] He is using emotional blackmail on you, if he does not allow you to say no. By reacting the way he does, he is removing choice from you. It is HIS duty, HIS responsibility, not yours. If you choose to help them out, that is your choice. Sit and think (if you have time). They expect things to be done for them, and use manipulation and bullying to get what they want. They are very good at it, for them to have you prepared to even give up your own meal, just to keep the peace. And their son - where did he learn to treat you this way? And why the expectation that you will cater to his parents? He won't, his siblings won't. Not without a loud fuss, or some overt expression of frustration. And as for, "You care more about your own family than you do about mine" - the answer is, "Of course! My mother raised me, I value the time I spend with her because she doesn't just seem to see me as a useful tool, she loves me unconditionally. I don't expect you to love my mother more than yours - it is natural to love your parents." I agree with the others - STOP. But you need to communicate this. New Year can be a useful excuse - "This year, my resolution is to stop being a doormat. This is a good thing for everybody, because it will mean that when I choose to do something for you, or spend time with you, it will be because I WANT TO and not out of a misplaced sense of obligation, or because I was bullied into it." I have mother in law living in our pockets. I made the choice in this. She was living alone (previously, easy child had been living with her - they didn't always get on, mother in law can be difficult sometimes especially when she's stressed). husband was needed to go visit her every weekend, mostly to do repairs on her place. She would have a list of jobs to do. He doesn't have a lot of spare energy, and he was spending it all on her house (which was never going to be in good shape, it really needed to be knocked down and rebuilt) and not doing anything at our place. It also took almost three hours to drive there and back. And she s till wasn't happy - many things were wrong for her, in the area where she lived. By being so far away, we really weren't able to do the sort of long-term planning she needed. The alternative was to move her to a more suitable house NOT needing to be modified at great expense, and not requiring a long drive to get to. She (to her credit) worried that she would be a burden to us by moving close. I pointed out that living so far away was a bigger burden. Now - much of the time we keep apart. She has developed her own friends and her own interests in the area. She still needs things done for her and I CHOOSE to do things for her simply because it is neighbourly, and I make it clear it fits in with my plans. For example, she can no longer drive her car very far, so apart from the village shop, she cannot drive to do her shopping. I do. So when I'm planning a shopping trip, I call her and see if she wants to use the opportunity to do her shopping also. I collect her at her door, load her shopping cart into the car, and we discuss what we want to do and where we want to go. This is consensus. Is this a grocery trip? Or do you want to pay bills? Or visit the bank, or the doctor? We try to blend our plans. "While you're at the doctor, I'll go get my hair cut. Ring me if you want a lift (you might have to wait until the hairdresser is finished) or I will meet you in the supermarket." We work as a team. This also means that she sees if I am tired (just as I can spy on her, too, and 'dob her in' if she's not telling her kids that she's not well). And once I drop her off back home, help her get her shopping inside, I can go home and briefly rest knowing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for her to ring me up and ask me to go to the shop for her. Because I KNOW she has just been shopping. If I am going to the pharmacy for pills, I will ask her if there is anything she wants there. And now she is doing the same for me - she will drop in and ask, "Do you want anything while I'm down at the shop? Or do you want to come too?" This is balanced. It is mutual. It is the way families should be. What you are enduring - it's slavery, it's bullying, it is mean and unfair. If you choose to stop, now, you will need to be firm. You will also need to arm yourself against the bullying tactics. I really can't say whether my method would work for you - it could make them think the doormat is back, or it could reassure them that you do care, but you need respect and consideration. It will boil down to respect. Can they respect you, and respect your need for space? If so, then feel free to help them as long as it fits in with your plans. If not, then they all need a refresher course in what families truly should be for each other. The biggest concern is what is this teaching your children? Are you training them to be doormats, or bullies? Because no matter what you try to say, it is what they see you do that has most impact. Good luck. If necessary, get your doctor to order you to bed. Have a phone with you so you can order takeaway food if necessary, or maybe ring your inlaws and ask them to bring you up a meal, since you are supposed to be staying in bed. One last naughty thought - if they insist that you have to keep bringing them a plate of food, then develop weird ethnic tastes. Go totally vegan and fed them a bowl of lentils and yoghurt. Tell them it's what you must eat now, because stress has pushed your blood pressure so high. Marg [/QUOTE]
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