Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
help with in-laws...favors and more favors...VENT!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 113734" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Really, been there done that. Lisa, you reminded me. When easy child 2/difficult child 2 had just started high school (in Australia, it's earlier - she was 11) she was friends with a number of girls including one who wasn't terribly popular. Of course, my daughter WOULD look after the lame duck. This girl had an autistic little brother too, so they compared notes, did things together, etc. The mother was single, blonde and helpless. The autistic boy was simply left to do what he wanted, no attempt seemed to be made to work with him or direct him. I gave them some contact numbers for support groups, for camps for child carers, for as much help as I could get them. Then the REAL leaning on us began.</p><p></p><p>At first it was, "Can my daughter sleep over?" Not a problem, especially since ours had slept over there once, when there was a school thing on. We returned the sleepovers many times over.</p><p></p><p>Then I got a phone call - "Could you take my daughter for the weekend?"</p><p>After many times saying yes, this time I had to say no, explaining that I was not well, husband had a sprained ankle, difficult child 3 was being a handful (he was only 4 at the time).</p><p>"Can she visit for the day?" the mother asked. I relented, because the two girls on their own would be fine, but I needed to be home resting.</p><p>"Sure," I said. "Put her on the boat and we'll collect her from our side."</p><p>"Oh no," said the mother. "She won't travel on her own, she gets scared."</p><p>"Then I'll send easy child 2/difficult child 2 over to meet her and bring her back."</p><p>"But she won't travel without me, I'll bring her over," replied the mother.</p><p>I again reminded her that we were in no condition to entertain visitors; as it was, I would be sending the girls to go on a bushwalk.</p><p>"That's OK," said the mother. I'll go back on the return boat."</p><p></p><p>Yeah, right. She came over, decided to stay, wanted me to take her places (like OUR place) and she had her profoundly autistic son with her.</p><p>I took them for a walk on the beach, finishing at our church which was full of people relaxing, talking - a good place, generally. But her son was in a panic, he kept locking people out or locking them in. The church elders asked me to get them out of there, he was being disruptive. I said to the mother, "We can't stay here, you need to catch the next boat back. I will take you back to the wharf."</p><p>She seemed totally oblivious to the havoc her son was causing and completely unable to get any hints (or even direct statements) I was making. It was still 45 minutes before the next boat, so I finally said, "We'll go back to my place for a short while then I will take you back to the boat."</p><p>"Your place?" her eyes lit up. it was exactly what she had wanted all along - what I had originally said was not a good idea.</p><p>I was seething - at myself as well as at her. At home she sat next to husband (whose foot was up on a stool) and chatted as if she hadn't a care in the world. Meanwhile her son was wandering through our house unchallenged, chewing every toy that difficult child 3 owned while difficult child 3 was getting frantic. Both boys were almost coming to blows. I couldn't do a thing with her son, he didn't know me well enough. I finally managed to distract him with an alphabet toy of difficult child 3's (who I'd sent to another room to keep them apart). Meanwhile, the mother continued to be oblivious. I observed the boy, allegedly non-verbal and severely autistic, put alphabet letters in sequence, in order, whispering the correct name of each one. I said, "Did you know he could do this?"</p><p>"Do what?" she asked, then ignored me to talk to husband again.</p><p>Time and again, I tried to load her and her kids into the car to drive them to the wharf. She kept seeming to be foggy about the need to hurry, and of course we kept missing the boat. Finally, when difficult child 3 had come back and was upset because this boy had chewed his latest Christmas present to pieces, and both boys were coming to blows, I said, "this is a bad time of day for us, always. I think the boys have had enough. It's time to go."</p><p>"I was going to wait until the last boat," the wretched woman began.</p><p>"The last boat IS this next one. If you miss it I'm not well enough to drive you home and husband's ankle is too sore. Our spare room is full and tomorrow is a school and work day."</p><p>She had deliberately manipulated the situation to her own advantage purely to get respite at my expense. She was fit and healthy, I was not. Yet I was running around my house trying to protect it from her child.</p><p></p><p>She did try this one again, a couple of months later. By this stage I had found out that she was also 'milking' the people at two local churches. She had clearly exhausted their patience. My daughter was barely tolerating hers because she was trying to manipulate people and using emotional blackmail (I wonder where she learned it from?). </p><p>"Would you mind my daughter over the weekend? I've got my son into respite and I'm planning to go away for a couple of days."</p><p>I had absolutely no guilt about saying NO.</p><p></p><p>(since then - daughter got pregnant at age 13 the next year, son got taken away and given to a foster family, he began to read and learned to talk a little. Was doing very well. easy child 2/difficult child 2 occasionally bumps into them in the mall - if she doesn't get enough warning to avoid them - the pattern is continuing with the next generation).</p><p></p><p>I've had it happen a couple of times since. But now I recognise the signs and extricate myself as soon as I can. Not always easy. If you must get sneaky, be 'helpless', change your patterns to make yourself more unavailable - then do so. These people are good at finding new victims. They'll try to cling to you, make you feel mean and nasty by using emotional blackmail, but stand your ground. Use the suggestions given. If you choose to become vegan or whatever, stick to it consistently at home for at least a few weeks, choose food you are prepared to eat yourself but are fairly sure they will not like. Our standby is pickled octopus with black olives and dry bread. I'll give you the recipe if you like. Or load everything with fresh chilli - seeds, pith and all. Or triple garlic. Find the cheapest ingredients, the poorest quality, and use it. get the cheapest stewing steak and pan-fry it for them. Overcook it so it is like shoe leather. Of course, you left it on the stove to "keep warm" and forgot it, because you are so busy! Get forgetful. And get your doctor on side. A doctor's advice on diet could give you some ideas.</p><p></p><p>Some people are users, BIG time. They do not value what you do, they know, from past experience that eventually you will get sick of them and stop helping. As a result, they despise you for being the doormat even though it is THEM you are helping. They know they are using you and as a result they do not respect you.</p><p></p><p>Eventually, you stop respecting yourself, and it just gets worse from there.</p><p></p><p>Time to turn it around. Let your kids observe and get an object lesson in self-respect and affirmative action.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 113734, member: 1991"] Really, been there done that. Lisa, you reminded me. When easy child 2/difficult child 2 had just started high school (in Australia, it's earlier - she was 11) she was friends with a number of girls including one who wasn't terribly popular. Of course, my daughter WOULD look after the lame duck. This girl had an autistic little brother too, so they compared notes, did things together, etc. The mother was single, blonde and helpless. The autistic boy was simply left to do what he wanted, no attempt seemed to be made to work with him or direct him. I gave them some contact numbers for support groups, for camps for child carers, for as much help as I could get them. Then the REAL leaning on us began. At first it was, "Can my daughter sleep over?" Not a problem, especially since ours had slept over there once, when there was a school thing on. We returned the sleepovers many times over. Then I got a phone call - "Could you take my daughter for the weekend?" After many times saying yes, this time I had to say no, explaining that I was not well, husband had a sprained ankle, difficult child 3 was being a handful (he was only 4 at the time). "Can she visit for the day?" the mother asked. I relented, because the two girls on their own would be fine, but I needed to be home resting. "Sure," I said. "Put her on the boat and we'll collect her from our side." "Oh no," said the mother. "She won't travel on her own, she gets scared." "Then I'll send easy child 2/difficult child 2 over to meet her and bring her back." "But she won't travel without me, I'll bring her over," replied the mother. I again reminded her that we were in no condition to entertain visitors; as it was, I would be sending the girls to go on a bushwalk. "That's OK," said the mother. I'll go back on the return boat." Yeah, right. She came over, decided to stay, wanted me to take her places (like OUR place) and she had her profoundly autistic son with her. I took them for a walk on the beach, finishing at our church which was full of people relaxing, talking - a good place, generally. But her son was in a panic, he kept locking people out or locking them in. The church elders asked me to get them out of there, he was being disruptive. I said to the mother, "We can't stay here, you need to catch the next boat back. I will take you back to the wharf." She seemed totally oblivious to the havoc her son was causing and completely unable to get any hints (or even direct statements) I was making. It was still 45 minutes before the next boat, so I finally said, "We'll go back to my place for a short while then I will take you back to the boat." "Your place?" her eyes lit up. it was exactly what she had wanted all along - what I had originally said was not a good idea. I was seething - at myself as well as at her. At home she sat next to husband (whose foot was up on a stool) and chatted as if she hadn't a care in the world. Meanwhile her son was wandering through our house unchallenged, chewing every toy that difficult child 3 owned while difficult child 3 was getting frantic. Both boys were almost coming to blows. I couldn't do a thing with her son, he didn't know me well enough. I finally managed to distract him with an alphabet toy of difficult child 3's (who I'd sent to another room to keep them apart). Meanwhile, the mother continued to be oblivious. I observed the boy, allegedly non-verbal and severely autistic, put alphabet letters in sequence, in order, whispering the correct name of each one. I said, "Did you know he could do this?" "Do what?" she asked, then ignored me to talk to husband again. Time and again, I tried to load her and her kids into the car to drive them to the wharf. She kept seeming to be foggy about the need to hurry, and of course we kept missing the boat. Finally, when difficult child 3 had come back and was upset because this boy had chewed his latest Christmas present to pieces, and both boys were coming to blows, I said, "this is a bad time of day for us, always. I think the boys have had enough. It's time to go." "I was going to wait until the last boat," the wretched woman began. "The last boat IS this next one. If you miss it I'm not well enough to drive you home and husband's ankle is too sore. Our spare room is full and tomorrow is a school and work day." She had deliberately manipulated the situation to her own advantage purely to get respite at my expense. She was fit and healthy, I was not. Yet I was running around my house trying to protect it from her child. She did try this one again, a couple of months later. By this stage I had found out that she was also 'milking' the people at two local churches. She had clearly exhausted their patience. My daughter was barely tolerating hers because she was trying to manipulate people and using emotional blackmail (I wonder where she learned it from?). "Would you mind my daughter over the weekend? I've got my son into respite and I'm planning to go away for a couple of days." I had absolutely no guilt about saying NO. (since then - daughter got pregnant at age 13 the next year, son got taken away and given to a foster family, he began to read and learned to talk a little. Was doing very well. easy child 2/difficult child 2 occasionally bumps into them in the mall - if she doesn't get enough warning to avoid them - the pattern is continuing with the next generation). I've had it happen a couple of times since. But now I recognise the signs and extricate myself as soon as I can. Not always easy. If you must get sneaky, be 'helpless', change your patterns to make yourself more unavailable - then do so. These people are good at finding new victims. They'll try to cling to you, make you feel mean and nasty by using emotional blackmail, but stand your ground. Use the suggestions given. If you choose to become vegan or whatever, stick to it consistently at home for at least a few weeks, choose food you are prepared to eat yourself but are fairly sure they will not like. Our standby is pickled octopus with black olives and dry bread. I'll give you the recipe if you like. Or load everything with fresh chilli - seeds, pith and all. Or triple garlic. Find the cheapest ingredients, the poorest quality, and use it. get the cheapest stewing steak and pan-fry it for them. Overcook it so it is like shoe leather. Of course, you left it on the stove to "keep warm" and forgot it, because you are so busy! Get forgetful. And get your doctor on side. A doctor's advice on diet could give you some ideas. Some people are users, BIG time. They do not value what you do, they know, from past experience that eventually you will get sick of them and stop helping. As a result, they despise you for being the doormat even though it is THEM you are helping. They know they are using you and as a result they do not respect you. Eventually, you stop respecting yourself, and it just gets worse from there. Time to turn it around. Let your kids observe and get an object lesson in self-respect and affirmative action. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
help with in-laws...favors and more favors...VENT!
Top