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Help with logistics and mechanics of difficult children and chores
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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 531974" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>To add another idea, if she does not do her housework, then you don't do her part at all. You let it like that. You don't force her to do it. You let her the mess.</p><p>If, for example, she does not clean the dishes, don't clean them. Clean up only your plate, fork, knife, glass and put it back in the sink. She will complain that she has no plate to eat with. So she will have to deal with the consequences of her acts which means cleaning up the dishes.</p><p>Don't do it for her, let her deal with it. </p><p>You pretend you didn't see not heard.</p><p></p><p>I learnt with my father that a lot of managing a difficult child consists of ignoring, pretending you didn't see nor hear. She makes drama ? Ignore. She didn't clean up her dishes ? Pretend you didn't see them and don't clean them up. </p><p>She didn't clean up her laundry and has nothing to wear ? Let her complain and remind her that she has to wash her clothes if she wants to have something to wear. </p><p></p><p>If I don't do my laundry, I cannot complain about not having anything to wear. I have to deal with it alone, mom does not do it for me. </p><p>I learnt it the harsh way. But now, I am much more careful to do it (ok, once, I couldn't do my laundry due to a pericarditis, so staying one month and a half in bed. But it was once in my life).</p><p></p><p>I fear that with the consequences you put on about staying at home to complete chores, it will be power struggle for hours. It will drain yourself, and for what ? No results for you, because she would not make more the assigned task.</p><p>If your daughter does not do her job at work, no one can force her to do so. But she does not get paid. </p><p>Same for you : if she does not do part of her job, you cannot force her. But you let her deal with the natural consequences of it. Like if she has an infection because of it, you let her deal with doctor appointment, medicines to take, you ignore her complains etc etc..... </p><p></p><p>It looks like lowering your standards, but it's not. Just a way to make her understand that if the house is not clean, it also affects her health and well being. And you let her deal with it.</p><p>You just present your standards on a way she will understand them, and she complies because she understands that it's in her interests, not only yours (if you present your standards as an interest for you, then she will be oppositional because "yeah it's for her. Speak, speak....". If she has to deal with the consequences without doing the job for her when not done, she understands that it's in her interest to clean up the dishes in order to have a plate to eat dinner. She will be much more willingful to comply).</p><p></p><p>A difficult child needs to control a lot. So she has to want to do what you want. It is just another way of doing, but the aims are the same than "traditional parenting".</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 531974, member: 14306"] To add another idea, if she does not do her housework, then you don't do her part at all. You let it like that. You don't force her to do it. You let her the mess. If, for example, she does not clean the dishes, don't clean them. Clean up only your plate, fork, knife, glass and put it back in the sink. She will complain that she has no plate to eat with. So she will have to deal with the consequences of her acts which means cleaning up the dishes. Don't do it for her, let her deal with it. You pretend you didn't see not heard. I learnt with my father that a lot of managing a difficult child consists of ignoring, pretending you didn't see nor hear. She makes drama ? Ignore. She didn't clean up her dishes ? Pretend you didn't see them and don't clean them up. She didn't clean up her laundry and has nothing to wear ? Let her complain and remind her that she has to wash her clothes if she wants to have something to wear. If I don't do my laundry, I cannot complain about not having anything to wear. I have to deal with it alone, mom does not do it for me. I learnt it the harsh way. But now, I am much more careful to do it (ok, once, I couldn't do my laundry due to a pericarditis, so staying one month and a half in bed. But it was once in my life). I fear that with the consequences you put on about staying at home to complete chores, it will be power struggle for hours. It will drain yourself, and for what ? No results for you, because she would not make more the assigned task. If your daughter does not do her job at work, no one can force her to do so. But she does not get paid. Same for you : if she does not do part of her job, you cannot force her. But you let her deal with the natural consequences of it. Like if she has an infection because of it, you let her deal with doctor appointment, medicines to take, you ignore her complains etc etc..... It looks like lowering your standards, but it's not. Just a way to make her understand that if the house is not clean, it also affects her health and well being. And you let her deal with it. You just present your standards on a way she will understand them, and she complies because she understands that it's in her interests, not only yours (if you present your standards as an interest for you, then she will be oppositional because "yeah it's for her. Speak, speak....". If she has to deal with the consequences without doing the job for her when not done, she understands that it's in her interest to clean up the dishes in order to have a plate to eat dinner. She will be much more willingful to comply). A difficult child needs to control a lot. So she has to want to do what you want. It is just another way of doing, but the aims are the same than "traditional parenting". [/QUOTE]
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