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Parent Emeritus
Help with logistics and mechanics of difficult children and chores
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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 532100" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>MWM, I agree that she has to contribute. I didn't say she didn't have to contribute. </p><p>I say <u>she has to contribute in the measure of her possibilities</u>. It has to be realistic expectations, no matter how high/low we judge them.</p><p></p><p>The "never done enough" is tempting. I am sometimes very unhappy because I wish I were able to do more/better/perfectly/being more able to fit in/being able to have a diploma and job now etc etc.... </p><p>I say it, it is very tempting and very human. </p><p></p><p>But the most important is that she contributes on the household functioning. </p><p>If she contributes with paying the food grocery, it's contributing. If she prefers cooking dinner for mom and herself, it is contributing. If she is the master person of cleaning up the floors, she can contribute with that etc etc....</p><p></p><p>The most important is finding ways she can contribute and what she can handle. </p><p></p><p>My parents did the mistake on expecting from me more than I could handle. It resulted to frustration from my parents, disappointed because I couldn't meet their expectations, and from me, because I was disappointed from not being able to meet their expectations. </p><p>So we had to review each other's expectations, and find ways to make them doable for my mom, my dad and I. Yes it was not easy, but you would not had hoped for it maybe three years ago. </p><p></p><p>Dashcat, the right solution is the solution which works for you and your daughter. </p><p>It may not be a solution which worked for someone else, but the most important is that the solution you choose with your daughter works for both of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 532100, member: 14306"] MWM, I agree that she has to contribute. I didn't say she didn't have to contribute. I say [U]she has to contribute in the measure of her possibilities[/U]. It has to be realistic expectations, no matter how high/low we judge them. The "never done enough" is tempting. I am sometimes very unhappy because I wish I were able to do more/better/perfectly/being more able to fit in/being able to have a diploma and job now etc etc.... I say it, it is very tempting and very human. But the most important is that she contributes on the household functioning. If she contributes with paying the food grocery, it's contributing. If she prefers cooking dinner for mom and herself, it is contributing. If she is the master person of cleaning up the floors, she can contribute with that etc etc.... The most important is finding ways she can contribute and what she can handle. My parents did the mistake on expecting from me more than I could handle. It resulted to frustration from my parents, disappointed because I couldn't meet their expectations, and from me, because I was disappointed from not being able to meet their expectations. So we had to review each other's expectations, and find ways to make them doable for my mom, my dad and I. Yes it was not easy, but you would not had hoped for it maybe three years ago. Dashcat, the right solution is the solution which works for you and your daughter. It may not be a solution which worked for someone else, but the most important is that the solution you choose with your daughter works for both of you. [/QUOTE]
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Help with logistics and mechanics of difficult children and chores
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