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Help with my 10 year old daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 220362" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Hi JennJenn, and welcome. It's easy to tell that you love your daughter very much and want the best for her. You're identifying a very important task when you say, "I need to teach her to respect me". She does need to learn that, because learning to respect others, and to respect authority, is critical to her happiness and success as an adult. </p><p></p><p>You are the one in a position to teach her this, and to do it you must be her mother rather than her friend. By that I mean that her long-term interests must guide you and lead you to create structure and boundaries for her, rules and consequences that she will not like at first. You'll have to see yourself as the responsible adult who will do what's best for her even if she says she doesn't like you for it. One day she will, maybe not just right at the time. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>You may want to sit down with a family or parenting counselor to work out a list of basic rules that focus on respect - in tone, in words, in body language. When she breaks a rule, there is a consequence. The consequence has to be meaningful to her - removal of a privilege that she enjoys, technology that she uses daily, TV shows or outings with friends - any and all things that will really bring her up short if they are removed. Everything beyond a bed, basic clothing, and food of your choice (and school, which is not negotiable) is a privilege and can be removed. Our son was very strong-willed and at times we had to remove everything from his room but a mattress on the floor, blanket, pillow, and two or three sets of basic clothing. We even had to remove his door because he was willing to pound on it and damage it. Your daughter is not at this point and I doubt you would have to go this far, but it's the principle - you own everything she has, literally, and it's all a privilege.</p><p></p><p>Once you've made your list of rules and consequences, a violation is followed by a consequence. No discussion, no argument. Action rather than talk. Argument or yelling by the child merits a further consequence/removal of privilege, whether for a longer time or another item. Typically a child who gets consequences like this for the first time will be furious, will test, and will test again. If the parent remains calm (the hard part!) and is consistent every time, it will work. The child may say hurtful things and tell you that you're a bad mom; all moms hear this at some point. But you're in this for the long haul, to teach her to be a functioning, successful member of society. And once she learns the security of having a strong adult figure who sets boundaries for her she will be much more pleasant to live with.</p><p></p><p>This is too long already and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, as it may if you haven't run across this before. Verbal and other forms of disrespect are a warning, though, and if ignored they progress to worse things. You're absolutely doing the right thing to be trying to figure out how to deal with this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 220362, member: 2884"] Hi JennJenn, and welcome. It's easy to tell that you love your daughter very much and want the best for her. You're identifying a very important task when you say, "I need to teach her to respect me". She does need to learn that, because learning to respect others, and to respect authority, is critical to her happiness and success as an adult. You are the one in a position to teach her this, and to do it you must be her mother rather than her friend. By that I mean that her long-term interests must guide you and lead you to create structure and boundaries for her, rules and consequences that she will not like at first. You'll have to see yourself as the responsible adult who will do what's best for her even if she says she doesn't like you for it. One day she will, maybe not just right at the time. ;) You may want to sit down with a family or parenting counselor to work out a list of basic rules that focus on respect - in tone, in words, in body language. When she breaks a rule, there is a consequence. The consequence has to be meaningful to her - removal of a privilege that she enjoys, technology that she uses daily, TV shows or outings with friends - any and all things that will really bring her up short if they are removed. Everything beyond a bed, basic clothing, and food of your choice (and school, which is not negotiable) is a privilege and can be removed. Our son was very strong-willed and at times we had to remove everything from his room but a mattress on the floor, blanket, pillow, and two or three sets of basic clothing. We even had to remove his door because he was willing to pound on it and damage it. Your daughter is not at this point and I doubt you would have to go this far, but it's the principle - you own everything she has, literally, and it's all a privilege. Once you've made your list of rules and consequences, a violation is followed by a consequence. No discussion, no argument. Action rather than talk. Argument or yelling by the child merits a further consequence/removal of privilege, whether for a longer time or another item. Typically a child who gets consequences like this for the first time will be furious, will test, and will test again. If the parent remains calm (the hard part!) and is consistent every time, it will work. The child may say hurtful things and tell you that you're a bad mom; all moms hear this at some point. But you're in this for the long haul, to teach her to be a functioning, successful member of society. And once she learns the security of having a strong adult figure who sets boundaries for her she will be much more pleasant to live with. This is too long already and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, as it may if you haven't run across this before. Verbal and other forms of disrespect are a warning, though, and if ignored they progress to worse things. You're absolutely doing the right thing to be trying to figure out how to deal with this. [/QUOTE]
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