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Help with my 10 year old daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 220363" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>Hi and welcome. Another one whose child thought she was any adult's equal from at least age 3 from what I heard.</p><p> </p><p>Here's some things I found that helped. Not stopped it, but did help. </p><p> </p><p>1. Quit being her friend. She can make those at school once she learns how to change her behavior. Right now, she needs you as her mother. You can become friends if she so chooses when she's an adult. </p><p> </p><p>This doesn't mean don't do things together or don't just sit and talk and cuddle. It means being fair and firm when it comes to consequences. It means making as many things as possible teaching moments (preferably fun teaching and definitely without her realizing you're teaching when you can). It means you don't talk to her as you would an adult friend nor do you respond to her as one of her buddies. She needs friends her own age to discuss things with like school, boys, sex, drugs, etc. She needs you there to be sure she is getting her facts straight and to guide her moral viewpoint as much as possible. You are her compass. She will learn as much from your actions as she does from your words, if not more.</p><p> </p><p>2. When she gets mouthy and rude, simply tell her you are not accepting that and walk away. Yes, she'll follow you and try to escalate. Remember, you have to change both of your mindsets/past reactions. She'll do almost anything to get back to the status quo. It is definitely not a move for the faint at heart. It is hard and it is a long process. However, it can work. No matter what she does, you do not respond until she uses an acceptable voice. You simply tell her that you do not respond to that voice and you only say it once. From that point on, you remove yourself if possible or simply continuing what you are doing.</p><p> </p><p>3. Get a good therapist and probably some group therapy for her. She needs to learn that bossing, controlling and bullying do not make for good friends. She probably has no idea how others perceive her. A therapist will help. One thing that helped with my daughter was puppets at home. I would become her and she would become whatever friend she had offended. There would be occasional lightbulb moments where she would actually see how she could have handled things differently.</p><p> </p><p>4. Hang on for the ride of your life. The mouthiness will increase. Sadly, it is part of being a teen, especially a teenage girl.</p><p> </p><p>5. Do read The Explosive Child. It will help you even if not really applicable to your situation. The more you read, the more you'll be able to become the parent you want to be. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job. We all mistakes and do things we regret. Good parents learn from that and try very hard to not repeat. It is parents who don't try to help their children or try to change that are truly the bad parents.</p><p> </p><p>I wish you the best. It is not easy to parent a pre-teen girl. It is even harder to do so as a single parent. However, you love your daughter. It shows. Love really does go a long way in raising our kids. It helps us fight for them when we need to, it gives us the strength to detach when the time comes. Most of all, it gives them some confidence in a world geared to tear down any child's self-esteem whenever possible.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 220363, member: 3626"] Hi and welcome. Another one whose child thought she was any adult's equal from at least age 3 from what I heard. Here's some things I found that helped. Not stopped it, but did help. 1. Quit being her friend. She can make those at school once she learns how to change her behavior. Right now, she needs you as her mother. You can become friends if she so chooses when she's an adult. This doesn't mean don't do things together or don't just sit and talk and cuddle. It means being fair and firm when it comes to consequences. It means making as many things as possible teaching moments (preferably fun teaching and definitely without her realizing you're teaching when you can). It means you don't talk to her as you would an adult friend nor do you respond to her as one of her buddies. She needs friends her own age to discuss things with like school, boys, sex, drugs, etc. She needs you there to be sure she is getting her facts straight and to guide her moral viewpoint as much as possible. You are her compass. She will learn as much from your actions as she does from your words, if not more. 2. When she gets mouthy and rude, simply tell her you are not accepting that and walk away. Yes, she'll follow you and try to escalate. Remember, you have to change both of your mindsets/past reactions. She'll do almost anything to get back to the status quo. It is definitely not a move for the faint at heart. It is hard and it is a long process. However, it can work. No matter what she does, you do not respond until she uses an acceptable voice. You simply tell her that you do not respond to that voice and you only say it once. From that point on, you remove yourself if possible or simply continuing what you are doing. 3. Get a good therapist and probably some group therapy for her. She needs to learn that bossing, controlling and bullying do not make for good friends. She probably has no idea how others perceive her. A therapist will help. One thing that helped with my daughter was puppets at home. I would become her and she would become whatever friend she had offended. There would be occasional lightbulb moments where she would actually see how she could have handled things differently. 4. Hang on for the ride of your life. The mouthiness will increase. Sadly, it is part of being a teen, especially a teenage girl. 5. Do read The Explosive Child. It will help you even if not really applicable to your situation. The more you read, the more you'll be able to become the parent you want to be. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job. We all mistakes and do things we regret. Good parents learn from that and try very hard to not repeat. It is parents who don't try to help their children or try to change that are truly the bad parents. I wish you the best. It is not easy to parent a pre-teen girl. It is even harder to do so as a single parent. However, you love your daughter. It shows. Love really does go a long way in raising our kids. It helps us fight for them when we need to, it gives us the strength to detach when the time comes. Most of all, it gives them some confidence in a world geared to tear down any child's self-esteem whenever possible. [/QUOTE]
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