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Help with using Plan B / Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 384929" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>This is not a perfect answer and it takes time to get things working well. But the attempt to set things in place is often recognised early by the child, so they do pick up on yu trying to help.</p><p></p><p>Where things went awry in the scenario, was in not involving your son in the "please can I go home now?" request from the friend. It's tricky when you're just starting out. What often makes a big difference in CPS, is setting things up ahead, right at the start. So when friend comes over, set a time limit right at the beginning. At our house, friends have to go home at 5.30 pm. difficult child 3 has to BE home by 5.30 pm.</p><p></p><p>But I gather in this case, friend wanted to move on and it wasn't a case of "My mother wants me home now." Friend leaving was a direct consequence of difficult child controlling the play too much and not allowing friend to have input. In which case, natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>BUT - you want to prevent your son getting upset. Besides, if he's upset, he won't learn a darn thing from natural consequences - in his mind, friend didn't leave because difficult child bored him, friend left because he's a jerk. This means that next time friend comes over, difficult child is either going to behave exactly the same, or could even be more controlling, because he will be trying to think of even more creative ways to stop his friend form leaving. Friends become less willing to visit.</p><p></p><p>So what I suggest, is you get involved in the play, at least to a certain extent. Make sure friend is involved in choices and that difficult child knows, ahead of time, how to involve his friend. Role-play with difficult child how to behave the right way, and how it feels the wrong way. Make it a game, make it clear you are pretending. You be difficult child and let difficult child be the friend. Then stop and say, "How does this make you feel? What does it make you want to do? How does this compare to how your friend behaved the other day?"</p><p>Then discuss these various things with difficult child. Finish with, "How would you prefer me to behave?" Try to work in that you are trying to help difficult child be a more successful friend.</p><p></p><p>A good fable you can tell difficult child is the story of the wind and the sun, arguing over which one has more strength and more power. They see a man walking along. "I am so strong," says the wind, "that I can blow the coat right off that man! I bet you can't get that man's coat off - you can't make anything move."</p><p>The sun smiles and agrees to the contest, but lets the wind go first, as the challenger. So the wind begins to blow. At first the man's coat flaps free, but then as the wind gets stronger, the clouds fill the sky and trees whip wildly in the gale that is developing. The man is feeling the force of the gale, bent almost double, and pulls his coat around him tightly. He buttons it up, belts it tightly and buries his hands deep in his pockets. Finally the wind is spent and has to admit defeat. "But if I couldn't make him take off his coat," says the wind to the sun, "you never will succeed!"</p><p>The sun smiles again and begins to shine. The clouds slowly dissipate and the heat of the sun evaporates the last of the storm until the sky is clear blue. The air is still, the day gets warmer and the man begins to sweat. He unbuttons his coat and undoes his belt. Then he rolls up his sleeves. But the day gets warmer still, so finally the man decides to take off his coat. </p><p>The sun is declared the winner.</p><p></p><p>The moral to this story, is that you expend far less energy and have a greater level of success, when you choose to persuade someone rather than force them. People have the right to hold their own views and to do what they enjoy. difficult child likes to do what he wants, and tat is OK, until what he wants interferes with what his friend wants. And sometimes they won't be able to agree - but this happens. It is an important skill to learn, to be able to swallow your disappointment for now and change to something else. The more you experience that this turns out OK, the more you realise that making a compromise for now is not the end of the world. But it takes experiencing some positive outcomes, for this to become a valuable learned experience.</p><p></p><p>Next time when friend says, "I'm bored, I want to leave," see if there is another activity you can suggest, that might encourage friend to stay. Ask friend if he can think of some other activity. Suggest something - watch a movie perhaps, and you will make popcorn (food often makes a difference to compliance). Then the important step - explain to difficult child that he has a choice - change activity to something his friend is OK with, or friend will choose to leave. Friend has a legal right to leave (stopping friend from leaving is against the law) and the only way difficult child can prevent it (and even then there is no guarantee) is to change activity to something friend wants. So difficult child's choice is - keep playing Wii but alone, or have friend stay, with a different activity. This is a difficult thing for difficult child to cope with, as it involves changing task from something difficult child is enjoying. And these kids are often so egocentric that they believe that if THEY are having fun, that is all that matters. Everyone else must be having the same level of fun.</p><p></p><p>You need to be involved until difficult child gets it. You need to suggest to them both and try to help them work out a compromise. But just as difficult child shouldn't block his friend form leaving, you need to avoid blocking difficult child too. He needs to learn to accept the change. It's not your fault. And friend has free will, the sooner difficult child realises this the sooner he can learn how to be a good friend himself.</p><p></p><p>Another option you have at this point is to use the time to set up a new play date. "Friend has to go home now, he just remembered he has to run errands for his mother. But how about we arrange now, for friend to come round tomorrow at 4 pm? What do you want to do tomorrow, friend? Not play Wii this time? Do you have a DVD you want to watch with difficult child? Or would you rather go for a bike ride together?"</p><p></p><p>Maybe make lists with difficult child, of things he thinks his friend might like to do. Then when ANY friend says, "I'm not having fun any more," difficult child can refer to the list and try to find a compromise himself.</p><p></p><p>But it does involve planning ahead, where possible.</p><p></p><p>For now, once difficult child calms down, use that opportunity to role play and then perhaps work on that list of alternative activities. This time things were a bust, but you can use it to build a greater chance of success next time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 384929, member: 1991"] This is not a perfect answer and it takes time to get things working well. But the attempt to set things in place is often recognised early by the child, so they do pick up on yu trying to help. Where things went awry in the scenario, was in not involving your son in the "please can I go home now?" request from the friend. It's tricky when you're just starting out. What often makes a big difference in CPS, is setting things up ahead, right at the start. So when friend comes over, set a time limit right at the beginning. At our house, friends have to go home at 5.30 pm. difficult child 3 has to BE home by 5.30 pm. But I gather in this case, friend wanted to move on and it wasn't a case of "My mother wants me home now." Friend leaving was a direct consequence of difficult child controlling the play too much and not allowing friend to have input. In which case, natural consequences. BUT - you want to prevent your son getting upset. Besides, if he's upset, he won't learn a darn thing from natural consequences - in his mind, friend didn't leave because difficult child bored him, friend left because he's a jerk. This means that next time friend comes over, difficult child is either going to behave exactly the same, or could even be more controlling, because he will be trying to think of even more creative ways to stop his friend form leaving. Friends become less willing to visit. So what I suggest, is you get involved in the play, at least to a certain extent. Make sure friend is involved in choices and that difficult child knows, ahead of time, how to involve his friend. Role-play with difficult child how to behave the right way, and how it feels the wrong way. Make it a game, make it clear you are pretending. You be difficult child and let difficult child be the friend. Then stop and say, "How does this make you feel? What does it make you want to do? How does this compare to how your friend behaved the other day?" Then discuss these various things with difficult child. Finish with, "How would you prefer me to behave?" Try to work in that you are trying to help difficult child be a more successful friend. A good fable you can tell difficult child is the story of the wind and the sun, arguing over which one has more strength and more power. They see a man walking along. "I am so strong," says the wind, "that I can blow the coat right off that man! I bet you can't get that man's coat off - you can't make anything move." The sun smiles and agrees to the contest, but lets the wind go first, as the challenger. So the wind begins to blow. At first the man's coat flaps free, but then as the wind gets stronger, the clouds fill the sky and trees whip wildly in the gale that is developing. The man is feeling the force of the gale, bent almost double, and pulls his coat around him tightly. He buttons it up, belts it tightly and buries his hands deep in his pockets. Finally the wind is spent and has to admit defeat. "But if I couldn't make him take off his coat," says the wind to the sun, "you never will succeed!" The sun smiles again and begins to shine. The clouds slowly dissipate and the heat of the sun evaporates the last of the storm until the sky is clear blue. The air is still, the day gets warmer and the man begins to sweat. He unbuttons his coat and undoes his belt. Then he rolls up his sleeves. But the day gets warmer still, so finally the man decides to take off his coat. The sun is declared the winner. The moral to this story, is that you expend far less energy and have a greater level of success, when you choose to persuade someone rather than force them. People have the right to hold their own views and to do what they enjoy. difficult child likes to do what he wants, and tat is OK, until what he wants interferes with what his friend wants. And sometimes they won't be able to agree - but this happens. It is an important skill to learn, to be able to swallow your disappointment for now and change to something else. The more you experience that this turns out OK, the more you realise that making a compromise for now is not the end of the world. But it takes experiencing some positive outcomes, for this to become a valuable learned experience. Next time when friend says, "I'm bored, I want to leave," see if there is another activity you can suggest, that might encourage friend to stay. Ask friend if he can think of some other activity. Suggest something - watch a movie perhaps, and you will make popcorn (food often makes a difference to compliance). Then the important step - explain to difficult child that he has a choice - change activity to something his friend is OK with, or friend will choose to leave. Friend has a legal right to leave (stopping friend from leaving is against the law) and the only way difficult child can prevent it (and even then there is no guarantee) is to change activity to something friend wants. So difficult child's choice is - keep playing Wii but alone, or have friend stay, with a different activity. This is a difficult thing for difficult child to cope with, as it involves changing task from something difficult child is enjoying. And these kids are often so egocentric that they believe that if THEY are having fun, that is all that matters. Everyone else must be having the same level of fun. You need to be involved until difficult child gets it. You need to suggest to them both and try to help them work out a compromise. But just as difficult child shouldn't block his friend form leaving, you need to avoid blocking difficult child too. He needs to learn to accept the change. It's not your fault. And friend has free will, the sooner difficult child realises this the sooner he can learn how to be a good friend himself. Another option you have at this point is to use the time to set up a new play date. "Friend has to go home now, he just remembered he has to run errands for his mother. But how about we arrange now, for friend to come round tomorrow at 4 pm? What do you want to do tomorrow, friend? Not play Wii this time? Do you have a DVD you want to watch with difficult child? Or would you rather go for a bike ride together?" Maybe make lists with difficult child, of things he thinks his friend might like to do. Then when ANY friend says, "I'm not having fun any more," difficult child can refer to the list and try to find a compromise himself. But it does involve planning ahead, where possible. For now, once difficult child calms down, use that opportunity to role play and then perhaps work on that list of alternative activities. This time things were a bust, but you can use it to build a greater chance of success next time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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