Hi,
Scenario:
difficult child and friend are playing Wii. Friend is getting bored and wants to leave. difficult child gets agitated and tries to block friend from leaving tells him he can't leave. Friend gets upset and tells me. I tell friend it is ok and he can leave. I block difficult child from going after friend as he leaves. Boom - HUGE explosion!
Me: It looks like you are upset your friend left. What's up?
difficult child: I hate him he sucks what a jerk.
Me: You hate him, he sucks, what a jerk (use empathy no, I don't think so!) - --- sometimes just ' I hear ya ' is enough , here the reflective listening is OK
Me - It seems that he upset you
difficult child - Yah
Me - can you tell me more
difficult child - thinking - I can't explain or no
Me - ( you make a guess ) maybe you're upset he left in the middle of the game ( I would try to use shorter sentences so I can then try to get his input )
why did this upset you ?
if he has difficulty again your tentative suggestions as to possible concerns - I would try to frame it as a positive concerns - he wanted to play more , finish the game etc and ( now your concern is being
twarted )
you could try and drill down to see if there are any other concerns - being bored, not having anything to do afterwards
Me: (I guess I have to make a guess here) You're upset he left because you were having a good time playing with him and now you can't play with him anymore.
difficult child: Uh huh
Me: You can repeat his concerns and then add , I am a little worried or concerned that if you try and force him to stay , there will a fight , and what will happen ?
difficult child - we will both be angry and he won't want to come and play with me again
Me - I was wondering if we could find a way how to encourage your friend to stay and carry on playing with you without trying to force him or having a fight , do you have any ideas , let's brainstorm
you need to check together if the solutions are feasible and realistic - you can role play - all communication and problem solving is based on asking questions so what should we ask the friend
for eg - why he does not want to continue playing - answer - bored , wants something different - kid makes a suggestion , if that does not work - maybe negotiation - if i will allow you to ride my bicycle will you continue to play with me , or he could arrangeanother play date -- giving kids a wider time horizon helps
also when dealing with relationships , we can show that we are quite limited on what we can do , we can't force or control people or friends
what happens if he needs to leave ? feelings of disappointment - how do I solve that problem - it is not a big deal , end of the world - at least I can
Plan B is not a technique , but a process . Dr Greene reckons a kid needs 30-40 Plan b experiences to trust the process and acquire the skill , that is why I recommend plenty of one on one chatting dealing with other peoples problems, etc helping kids take perspectives , identifying concerns, brainstorming solutions that will work for every one , maybe suggesting a bit of give and take , so they learn the skills. Every life situation is a problem to be solved , we can take our kids through the thinking process, teach them to ask questions . Our greatest tool in helping our kids is dialog and conversations , meaning we listen and they speak we directing conversations with dialog questions . So many skills are taught when we engage in dialog and collaborative problem solving - articulating concerns, perspective taking , empathy , planning , consequential and sequential thinking , using hindsight and forsight , learning to be flexible , give and take etc It means we have to learn to keep conversations going
I hope this helps - It is not easy , but every conversation you have learning is taking place even if it seems it is not working yet
Allan
