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He's been kicked out of the shelter
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 644110" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>For me, the hardest thing about detaching is detaching from my own emotions. </p><p></p><p>The only way I was even able to confront difficult child son about verbally abusive behaviors was because I had come to understand, here on the site, that sending our children messages of "You were raised better." and "I expect more." are healthier messages to send than "You are so messed up. I will fix it only one more time." </p><p></p><p>Justify and repeat ad nauseum. </p><p></p><p>Once I could see how crude and hurtful those patterns we'd fallen into through enabling were, I could begin, slow and tiny steps at first, the process of detaching. I could begin detaching from the emotions surrounding my despair over the pain in the lives of my grown children; could begin detaching from the emotional maelstrom of not having changed the generational patterns for my family of origin; could see and begin to detach from the stranglehold of emotion surrounding my conviction that I had somehow failed my kids and myself or this would not have happened.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Gently, as someone who has fallen down on all this a million times...if you can see it differently, you will free yourself and your son. If you could see how you see it, and change that way of seeing, then something else could change and a new pattern could emerge. If you could see it not that he will fail and you will never help again and boy, gird your loins Jabber because we are never going to be trapped like this again, what would that other way of seeing look like?</p><p></p><p>How does that old Chinese saying go? The one about when you are caught, like a fish in a net, your task is to find the opening and get free. You may not get free. But to devote your energies to anything but searching for that one open place is how you stay trapped.</p><p></p><p>Look for the alternatives in the conclusions you draw about what you see.</p><p></p><p>You could see that you have chosen a course regarding how to help this recalcitrant son of yours learn to choose a better path for his life.</p><p></p><p>That is what you want.</p><p></p><p>A better life for your coming-into-manhood son.</p><p></p><p>Nothing else matters.</p><p></p><p>How do we hold that goal paramount?</p><p></p><p>We change the way we talk to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Could you see: It was cold. I purchased freedom from suffering for myself by providing shelter for my foolish, recalcitrant, rebellious child. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing is immaterial. I relish that I could do this. I luxuriate in my good fortune, that I was able to purchase shelter for my recalcitrant child. I am fortunate, I am grateful. I will take my mate to dinner and celebrate the stars <em>and I will discipline my mind not to think of my recalcitrant child.</em></p><p></p><p>I will change the way I see both him and myself.</p><p></p><p>I will do my best, every time I see or speak to him and then <em>I will let go.</em></p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler told me once that we know we are enabling when we resent the help we've offered. I found that to be a valid assessment. It gets to be about balancing between terror that the child will die and resentment over the time, over the hours and hours of enslavement to the simplest aspects of his life, to the things he will not do for himself <em>because these things are not important to him.</em></p><p></p><p>So...who is enslaving whom, here?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>My father told me once, about difficult child son: "It is hard to know whether we have done the right things as parents until it is too late to do something else. Looking back on my life, knowing that I spent the time I had working, always working, always being responsible...who is to say that any one of us is wrong, that someone is squandering his life? Know this: If difficult child wasn't doing what he wanted, he would be doing something else. That doesn't mean you have to pay for it."</p><p></p><p>I haven't been able to capture the feel of that conversation with my father. But it was the beginning of healing for me. It stopped the desperate spiral of guilt and shame and terror.</p><p></p><p>"If he did not want to do what he is doing, he would do something else."</p><p></p><p>The same is true for you. Or for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 644110, member: 17461"] For me, the hardest thing about detaching is detaching from my own emotions. The only way I was even able to confront difficult child son about verbally abusive behaviors was because I had come to understand, here on the site, that sending our children messages of "You were raised better." and "I expect more." are healthier messages to send than "You are so messed up. I will fix it only one more time." Justify and repeat ad nauseum. Once I could see how crude and hurtful those patterns we'd fallen into through enabling were, I could begin, slow and tiny steps at first, the process of detaching. I could begin detaching from the emotions surrounding my despair over the pain in the lives of my grown children; could begin detaching from the emotional maelstrom of not having changed the generational patterns for my family of origin; could see and begin to detach from the stranglehold of emotion surrounding my conviction that I had somehow failed my kids and myself or this would not have happened. It's really hard. Gently, as someone who has fallen down on all this a million times...if you can see it differently, you will free yourself and your son. If you could see how you see it, and change that way of seeing, then something else could change and a new pattern could emerge. If you could see it not that he will fail and you will never help again and boy, gird your loins Jabber because we are never going to be trapped like this again, what would that other way of seeing look like? How does that old Chinese saying go? The one about when you are caught, like a fish in a net, your task is to find the opening and get free. You may not get free. But to devote your energies to anything but searching for that one open place is how you stay trapped. Look for the alternatives in the conclusions you draw about what you see. You could see that you have chosen a course regarding how to help this recalcitrant son of yours learn to choose a better path for his life. That is what you want. A better life for your coming-into-manhood son. Nothing else matters. How do we hold that goal paramount? We change the way we talk to ourselves. Could you see: It was cold. I purchased freedom from suffering for myself by providing shelter for my foolish, recalcitrant, rebellious child. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing is immaterial. I relish that I could do this. I luxuriate in my good fortune, that I was able to purchase shelter for my recalcitrant child. I am fortunate, I am grateful. I will take my mate to dinner and celebrate the stars [I]and I will discipline my mind not to think of my recalcitrant child.[/I] I will change the way I see both him and myself. I will do my best, every time I see or speak to him and then [I]I will let go.[/I] Recovering Enabler told me once that we know we are enabling when we resent the help we've offered. I found that to be a valid assessment. It gets to be about balancing between terror that the child will die and resentment over the time, over the hours and hours of enslavement to the simplest aspects of his life, to the things he will not do for himself [I]because these things are not important to him.[/I] So...who is enslaving whom, here? *** My father told me once, about difficult child son: "It is hard to know whether we have done the right things as parents until it is too late to do something else. Looking back on my life, knowing that I spent the time I had working, always working, always being responsible...who is to say that any one of us is wrong, that someone is squandering his life? Know this: If difficult child wasn't doing what he wanted, he would be doing something else. That doesn't mean you have to pay for it." I haven't been able to capture the feel of that conversation with my father. But it was the beginning of healing for me. It stopped the desperate spiral of guilt and shame and terror. "If he did not want to do what he is doing, he would do something else." The same is true for you. Or for me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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