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He's coming home! And I'm both ecstatic and apprehensive
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<blockquote data-quote="LauraH" data-source="post: 742163" data-attributes="member: 22877"><p>Well things have calmed down significantly but he's still here. Said the friend he was supposed to be staying with tonight ended up going out of town and so now he won't be able to go there until tomorrow. He gave "his word." Which isn't worth a whole lot right now. My husband said he could stay one more night but explained again how the property owner's rule is that if anyone visits for more than 4 nights in a month the rent goes up $100 to cover the additional water and gas use.</p><p></p><p>So that first paragraph was from last night and I had to stop in the middle because my son walked in and I didn't want him to see any of this. Anyway, he just left with his friend. After one story Thursday about how he couldn't go over there and then another yesterday, I was seriously thinking he was leading me and my husband on with the intention of staying here. Knowing that's not the case now goes a little way in restoring my faith in him. He was a habitual liar and con artist as a child and teenager and I still see some of that now, although it seems not so much for my benefit. I hope he will mature out of that but who knows. But at least now I know he wasn't just pulling a con on us and that. </p><p></p><p>And I need to learn to pick my battles. I already learned that over the years with him but rather than letting "small stuff" go altogether I just suck it up and filter what I say so as not to trigger him. But like any vacuum, a filter will only hold so much. I usually filter before I speak or react anyway, because as much as I love my husband he has little quirks that drive me nuts, for instance, he never closes drawers or cabinet doors after himself. In the big picture, who cares? But it's a pet peeve. So I close the drawer and grumble silently to myself and try not to let it bother me. This is intensified when I'm with my son thanks to our history of triggering each other, sometimes over nothing at all. After a couple days of being under the same roof with him I feel ready to explode. </p><p></p><p>And last night I was picturing the events from the past when I had a hell of a time getting he and his partner out of my apartment and fearing a repeat. I'm so relieved that that's not going to be the case this time. It makes me sad that I can't have him living in my home; if we had even close to a normal relationship I would love for him to stay with us until he got on his feet. But no use crying over what is not. I'm on the verge of crying as I'm sitting here typing this, partly out of relief that my worst fears weren't realized and partly out of a sense of sorrow that no sooner was he pulling out of the driveway with his friend I could feel a palpable change in the air from thick and heavy to much lighter. I wonder if that's all in my head?</p><p></p><p>One of my biggest problems with myself is that I tend to read things into things and to react or overreact to someone's tone of voice or their choice of words. I do this with my husband also. So I really need to work on not reacting unless something blatantly hurtful is said, and if someone sounds perturbed with me I need to just shut up and let it go before I start an argument. </p><p></p><p>And the strangest thing of all is that as much as it doesn't work for my son and I to live together, I miss him when he's gone. He says I disrespect him when I try to talk about his addiction or the choices he makes as a result of his bipolar. Perhaps I do, but it's certainly not intentional and I'm trying to become more aware of what I say that triggers that perception in him. But I also wish he would show me simple courtesy and respect by picking up after himself instead of leaving it for me to do. And he really irritated me yesterday evening after we had eaten, when he asked me to take his dish when I got up to take mine to the kitchen. Not a huge deal but I'm 63 and have slight sciatica on one side and knee pain that comes and goes on the other side, and he should have been offering to take mine, not asking me to take his. Again, "small stuff" but I'm pretty sure he will make himself as useful as he can in his friend and her mom's home as long as he's there. I hope so anyway! I hope I taught him at least that much.</p><p></p><p>I just wish I knew what I had done over the years of raising him that he has excellent manners and shows utmost respect to most of his elders but I am the exception. Oh well that's past and it is now what it is. I just have to accept that and move on.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for listening to me ramble yet again. Praying that the next time I check in it will be with happier news. Actually there is a little bit of good news...4 or 5 days clean for my son as far as I know. He has a long way to go but it's one hell of a start!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LauraH, post: 742163, member: 22877"] Well things have calmed down significantly but he's still here. Said the friend he was supposed to be staying with tonight ended up going out of town and so now he won't be able to go there until tomorrow. He gave "his word." Which isn't worth a whole lot right now. My husband said he could stay one more night but explained again how the property owner's rule is that if anyone visits for more than 4 nights in a month the rent goes up $100 to cover the additional water and gas use. So that first paragraph was from last night and I had to stop in the middle because my son walked in and I didn't want him to see any of this. Anyway, he just left with his friend. After one story Thursday about how he couldn't go over there and then another yesterday, I was seriously thinking he was leading me and my husband on with the intention of staying here. Knowing that's not the case now goes a little way in restoring my faith in him. He was a habitual liar and con artist as a child and teenager and I still see some of that now, although it seems not so much for my benefit. I hope he will mature out of that but who knows. But at least now I know he wasn't just pulling a con on us and that. And I need to learn to pick my battles. I already learned that over the years with him but rather than letting "small stuff" go altogether I just suck it up and filter what I say so as not to trigger him. But like any vacuum, a filter will only hold so much. I usually filter before I speak or react anyway, because as much as I love my husband he has little quirks that drive me nuts, for instance, he never closes drawers or cabinet doors after himself. In the big picture, who cares? But it's a pet peeve. So I close the drawer and grumble silently to myself and try not to let it bother me. This is intensified when I'm with my son thanks to our history of triggering each other, sometimes over nothing at all. After a couple days of being under the same roof with him I feel ready to explode. And last night I was picturing the events from the past when I had a hell of a time getting he and his partner out of my apartment and fearing a repeat. I'm so relieved that that's not going to be the case this time. It makes me sad that I can't have him living in my home; if we had even close to a normal relationship I would love for him to stay with us until he got on his feet. But no use crying over what is not. I'm on the verge of crying as I'm sitting here typing this, partly out of relief that my worst fears weren't realized and partly out of a sense of sorrow that no sooner was he pulling out of the driveway with his friend I could feel a palpable change in the air from thick and heavy to much lighter. I wonder if that's all in my head? One of my biggest problems with myself is that I tend to read things into things and to react or overreact to someone's tone of voice or their choice of words. I do this with my husband also. So I really need to work on not reacting unless something blatantly hurtful is said, and if someone sounds perturbed with me I need to just shut up and let it go before I start an argument. And the strangest thing of all is that as much as it doesn't work for my son and I to live together, I miss him when he's gone. He says I disrespect him when I try to talk about his addiction or the choices he makes as a result of his bipolar. Perhaps I do, but it's certainly not intentional and I'm trying to become more aware of what I say that triggers that perception in him. But I also wish he would show me simple courtesy and respect by picking up after himself instead of leaving it for me to do. And he really irritated me yesterday evening after we had eaten, when he asked me to take his dish when I got up to take mine to the kitchen. Not a huge deal but I'm 63 and have slight sciatica on one side and knee pain that comes and goes on the other side, and he should have been offering to take mine, not asking me to take his. Again, "small stuff" but I'm pretty sure he will make himself as useful as he can in his friend and her mom's home as long as he's there. I hope so anyway! I hope I taught him at least that much. I just wish I knew what I had done over the years of raising him that he has excellent manners and shows utmost respect to most of his elders but I am the exception. Oh well that's past and it is now what it is. I just have to accept that and move on. Thanks for listening to me ramble yet again. Praying that the next time I check in it will be with happier news. Actually there is a little bit of good news...4 or 5 days clean for my son as far as I know. He has a long way to go but it's one hell of a start! [/QUOTE]
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He's coming home! And I'm both ecstatic and apprehensive
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