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Hi I am new and need help, my wife and I are at our wits end
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<blockquote data-quote="SearchingForRainbows" data-source="post: 512585" data-attributes="member: 3388"><p>I'm so glad you no longer let your difficult child pit you and your wife against each other!! This was a huge issue for my husband and I. We didn't realize what was going on at first, caused major problems within our marriage, such an understatement!! Sadly, difficult child 1 enjoyed seeing husband and I argue, the more the better. He would have this strange smile on his face... At times like this, I thought I actually hated difficult child 1. This caused me to feel extreme guilt - How can a mother hate her son?? I only talked about my negative feelings towards difficult child 1 to one very close friend and on this site. I tried to talk to my husband, he just got so angry I thought he would explode. He couldn't understand how I could ever have feelings like this about our son. </p><p></p><p>husband had to be zapped with a huge dose of reality before he understood what was going on. This zapping took place during a family counseling session after difficult child 1 was released from a psychiatric hospital. After that session, things improved. husband and I finally understood what was going on, that difficult child 1 was pitting us against each other intentionally, just to get a rise out of us, among other things, just so he wouldn't be bored. In addition, I was difficult child 1's main caretaker, husband spent long hours at work and I had to become a stay at home mom (although I did work from home) to take care of difficult child 1, his brother, difficult child 2, and their sister, easy child/difficult child 3 (then a easy child - Don't think I could have handled another difficult child!!) </p><p></p><p>I realized I didn't hate my son, I loved him with all my heart, but hated what his illness was doing to our family. I now know it wasn't his fault, it was my fault, husband's fault, for letting the foundation of our marriage begin to crumble. We no longer spent quality time together, just the two of us. Most evenings, when husband got home from work, I was totally exhausted, drained from whatever the drama of the day happened to be. husband didn't want to deal with this. He tuned out. Our coping mechanisms are so different, husband thinks with his head, logically, I think with my heart, emotionally. Toss difficult child 1 into the picture, it's like mixing oil with water... Of course this is way too simplistic an explanation, but hopefully enough to paint the picture...</p><p></p><p>Don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm just relieved that you and your wife are wiser then husband and I were. Sorry, I think I went off on a tangent... Going to end this!</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you have a easy child! There were times I know I wouldn't have understood the reasons why anyone would choose to have children if it weren't for my daughter. I know this sounds horrible, but I'm being brutally honest. Just wish my daughter were still a easy child...</p><p></p><p>I agree that when it comes to raising difficult children, you have to toss everything you believe you know about raising children out the window. If only there was a manual on raising difficult children, just think how much easier our lives would be... SFR</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SearchingForRainbows, post: 512585, member: 3388"] I'm so glad you no longer let your difficult child pit you and your wife against each other!! This was a huge issue for my husband and I. We didn't realize what was going on at first, caused major problems within our marriage, such an understatement!! Sadly, difficult child 1 enjoyed seeing husband and I argue, the more the better. He would have this strange smile on his face... At times like this, I thought I actually hated difficult child 1. This caused me to feel extreme guilt - How can a mother hate her son?? I only talked about my negative feelings towards difficult child 1 to one very close friend and on this site. I tried to talk to my husband, he just got so angry I thought he would explode. He couldn't understand how I could ever have feelings like this about our son. husband had to be zapped with a huge dose of reality before he understood what was going on. This zapping took place during a family counseling session after difficult child 1 was released from a psychiatric hospital. After that session, things improved. husband and I finally understood what was going on, that difficult child 1 was pitting us against each other intentionally, just to get a rise out of us, among other things, just so he wouldn't be bored. In addition, I was difficult child 1's main caretaker, husband spent long hours at work and I had to become a stay at home mom (although I did work from home) to take care of difficult child 1, his brother, difficult child 2, and their sister, easy child/difficult child 3 (then a easy child - Don't think I could have handled another difficult child!!) I realized I didn't hate my son, I loved him with all my heart, but hated what his illness was doing to our family. I now know it wasn't his fault, it was my fault, husband's fault, for letting the foundation of our marriage begin to crumble. We no longer spent quality time together, just the two of us. Most evenings, when husband got home from work, I was totally exhausted, drained from whatever the drama of the day happened to be. husband didn't want to deal with this. He tuned out. Our coping mechanisms are so different, husband thinks with his head, logically, I think with my heart, emotionally. Toss difficult child 1 into the picture, it's like mixing oil with water... Of course this is way too simplistic an explanation, but hopefully enough to paint the picture... Don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm just relieved that you and your wife are wiser then husband and I were. Sorry, I think I went off on a tangent... Going to end this! I'm glad you have a easy child! There were times I know I wouldn't have understood the reasons why anyone would choose to have children if it weren't for my daughter. I know this sounds horrible, but I'm being brutally honest. Just wish my daughter were still a easy child... I agree that when it comes to raising difficult children, you have to toss everything you believe you know about raising children out the window. If only there was a manual on raising difficult children, just think how much easier our lives would be... SFR [/QUOTE]
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Hi I am new and need help, my wife and I are at our wits end
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