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Hi I am new and need help, my wife and I are at our wits end
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 512766"><p>Your son sounds SO much like my nephew. A handful of responses: if you pump up a bright kid too much for being bright, this sort of arrogance can ensue. I did some of this stuff myself as a teen--i.e., didn't try at all, but did others' homework, scored easy As when I needed to but otherwise just made no effort at all--and I can tell you, from the perspective of 35 years later, that I was just trying to live up to my advance billing as "very bright" from being told that too often by easily-dazzled parents and teachers. I saw it many times as a prep school teacher: kids who were over-praised for being "very bright" in undemanding public schools and then they're suddenly thrust into a highly demanding private school, and they just massively malfunction because they can no longer pull the stuff your son is pulling because the level of rigor is so much higher and the kid is no longer the biggest fish in a small pond, intellectually speaking.</p><p></p><p>My guess is that if you put him in a really challenging boarding school, he'd melt down, because he can't throw his weight around in a program that calls his bluff and where there are many other kids just as bright and brighter. (130 IQ is fine but not all that rare in a good school, where it wouldn't be anywhere near the top score in the student body.) He's doing a lot of this because it makes him feel special & extraordinary, and for some reason he needs that. There's a fundamental insecurity at the core of all this, just as there was with my nephew and many similar students I've known (and me in my teens).</p><p></p><p>He's almost 18. I think you need to begin telling him that you're not going to send him to college (which would be a complete waste of money until he matures substantially) and that he needs to begin to think about where he'll live and what he'll do when he turns 18 and/or finishes high school--i.e., that you have no intention of simply continuing to house him while he behaves horribly, mistreats you and other family members, and so on. And be real about it--tell him that, a month before his 18th birthday, you'll serve him a formal eviction notice (you need to do this in most states to oust a family member) and that he'll need to be ready to move out on the appointed day. He'll be shocked and all of that, of course, but stick to your guns. He needs to know that all of this nonsense has consequences and that you won't tolerate it in your home, and that it's YOUR house, not his, and he can be put out of it. He'll get the message. My guess is that he'll wilt when he sees that the party's over and he's really going to have to move out at 18. And if he doesn't wilt, put him out. As many have said here, he needs natural consequences. That arrogance will not sustain itself in the face of living in a homeless shelter or on someone's couch.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 512766"] Your son sounds SO much like my nephew. A handful of responses: if you pump up a bright kid too much for being bright, this sort of arrogance can ensue. I did some of this stuff myself as a teen--i.e., didn't try at all, but did others' homework, scored easy As when I needed to but otherwise just made no effort at all--and I can tell you, from the perspective of 35 years later, that I was just trying to live up to my advance billing as "very bright" from being told that too often by easily-dazzled parents and teachers. I saw it many times as a prep school teacher: kids who were over-praised for being "very bright" in undemanding public schools and then they're suddenly thrust into a highly demanding private school, and they just massively malfunction because they can no longer pull the stuff your son is pulling because the level of rigor is so much higher and the kid is no longer the biggest fish in a small pond, intellectually speaking. My guess is that if you put him in a really challenging boarding school, he'd melt down, because he can't throw his weight around in a program that calls his bluff and where there are many other kids just as bright and brighter. (130 IQ is fine but not all that rare in a good school, where it wouldn't be anywhere near the top score in the student body.) He's doing a lot of this because it makes him feel special & extraordinary, and for some reason he needs that. There's a fundamental insecurity at the core of all this, just as there was with my nephew and many similar students I've known (and me in my teens). He's almost 18. I think you need to begin telling him that you're not going to send him to college (which would be a complete waste of money until he matures substantially) and that he needs to begin to think about where he'll live and what he'll do when he turns 18 and/or finishes high school--i.e., that you have no intention of simply continuing to house him while he behaves horribly, mistreats you and other family members, and so on. And be real about it--tell him that, a month before his 18th birthday, you'll serve him a formal eviction notice (you need to do this in most states to oust a family member) and that he'll need to be ready to move out on the appointed day. He'll be shocked and all of that, of course, but stick to your guns. He needs to know that all of this nonsense has consequences and that you won't tolerate it in your home, and that it's YOUR house, not his, and he can be put out of it. He'll get the message. My guess is that he'll wilt when he sees that the party's over and he's really going to have to move out at 18. And if he doesn't wilt, put him out. As many have said here, he needs natural consequences. That arrogance will not sustain itself in the face of living in a homeless shelter or on someone's couch. [/QUOTE]
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