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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 217366" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi, Lilians.</p><p></p><p>You describe your daughter as needing to be in control and this probably fuelling her being mean to people (and probably the lies).</p><p></p><p>If that is the case, then I think the alleged "no nonsense" approach is perhaps NOT going to work and could make things worse.</p><p></p><p>Often what people mean by "no nonsense" is, "let's be really strict, apply lots of controls and make sure we regiment every second of her day so she has no wiggle room to manipulate people or get away with anything she shouldn't."</p><p>A lot of us were raised this way - I know I was. The more you tried to assert yourself, the tighter were the controls on you. I was fairly easy child so I didn't fight against it too hard, I just rolled with it. But this either works fairly well, or fails spectacularly.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, the reason it fails is because the child you are trying to keep a tight rein on, is a kid who himself feels that he has absolutely no power in his own life. A lot of their behaviours them from a need to control coupled with extreme anger and frustration at how confusing everything can be. Often they get oppositional purely from a desire to have SOME say somewhere. It becomes a "push-pull" scenario, where they get into such strong habits of automatically pulling in the opposite direction that they often react that way without even thinking about what is really happening. And we as parents get into the habit of being ready for this and increasing our tight grip on the reins. All this can only make it worse.</p><p></p><p>Think of a tug of war. You on one side, the kid on the other side. Now, if it is a really important issue that you're tugging over (say, there is a deep and dangerous chasm in between) then of course you have to go carefully. But if it's no big deal, think about what happens when you let go the rope. Even if it IS a big deal issue, easing your tug on the rope can often result in them easing their pull-back also.</p><p></p><p>What we did was to give the child back some control, in areas where it really was no big deal to us. For example, a child who wants to go play outside in the snow - if you stand in the doorway and don't let them past you until they've put on a coat, this (with an impulsive, easily frustrated child) will rapidly escalate to a screaming match with physical violence likely. Compliance? Unlikely.</p><p>But if you instead call to the child, "Do you want your blue jacket or the red one?" they are more likely to put on a jacket. But what if the child dashes out without a jacket? If you didn't make a big deal out of it, the child has no vested interest in sticking to his guns and continuing to refuse to put on a jacket out of pure stubbornness. He will quickly realise it's cold outside and will come back in to put on a jacket. </p><p></p><p>We often recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a great book which can really help you find more effective ways to handle oppositional behaviours and other problem behaviours. It's not a cure, but it really can make a big difference. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 217366, member: 1991"] Hi, Lilians. You describe your daughter as needing to be in control and this probably fuelling her being mean to people (and probably the lies). If that is the case, then I think the alleged "no nonsense" approach is perhaps NOT going to work and could make things worse. Often what people mean by "no nonsense" is, "let's be really strict, apply lots of controls and make sure we regiment every second of her day so she has no wiggle room to manipulate people or get away with anything she shouldn't." A lot of us were raised this way - I know I was. The more you tried to assert yourself, the tighter were the controls on you. I was fairly easy child so I didn't fight against it too hard, I just rolled with it. But this either works fairly well, or fails spectacularly. In my opinion, the reason it fails is because the child you are trying to keep a tight rein on, is a kid who himself feels that he has absolutely no power in his own life. A lot of their behaviours them from a need to control coupled with extreme anger and frustration at how confusing everything can be. Often they get oppositional purely from a desire to have SOME say somewhere. It becomes a "push-pull" scenario, where they get into such strong habits of automatically pulling in the opposite direction that they often react that way without even thinking about what is really happening. And we as parents get into the habit of being ready for this and increasing our tight grip on the reins. All this can only make it worse. Think of a tug of war. You on one side, the kid on the other side. Now, if it is a really important issue that you're tugging over (say, there is a deep and dangerous chasm in between) then of course you have to go carefully. But if it's no big deal, think about what happens when you let go the rope. Even if it IS a big deal issue, easing your tug on the rope can often result in them easing their pull-back also. What we did was to give the child back some control, in areas where it really was no big deal to us. For example, a child who wants to go play outside in the snow - if you stand in the doorway and don't let them past you until they've put on a coat, this (with an impulsive, easily frustrated child) will rapidly escalate to a screaming match with physical violence likely. Compliance? Unlikely. But if you instead call to the child, "Do you want your blue jacket or the red one?" they are more likely to put on a jacket. But what if the child dashes out without a jacket? If you didn't make a big deal out of it, the child has no vested interest in sticking to his guns and continuing to refuse to put on a jacket out of pure stubbornness. He will quickly realise it's cold outside and will come back in to put on a jacket. We often recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a great book which can really help you find more effective ways to handle oppositional behaviours and other problem behaviours. It's not a cure, but it really can make a big difference. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum. Welcome to the site. Marg [/QUOTE]
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