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General Parenting
Hi, I' new here and in need of others that know how I feel....
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 439146" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hello and welcome. These children, with their "oppositional defiance" will push all your buttons and are extremely hard to handle at times. Physical violence is of course not recommended but without deeper understanding and help, this is quick to rise to the surface because these children can be very, very frustrating. I second the suggestion that you become involved in family therapy, if that is possible for you. </p><p>I too have a son that is liable to say things like "No, I don't want to!" when I ask him to do something. And yes that is embarrassing in public. What I have found is that issuing commands to my son, or talking in a blunt, direct way, seems to "set him off", trigger off some oppositional response. I have tried experiments with this; if I ask my son to do something in a friendly, no-big-issue kind of voice, he will more than likely do it. You may want to try that. Basically, there is a whole process - personally I am not there yet - in which you have to let go of the desire to have a "normal" child with whom you can engage in "normal" parenting. You have to parent in a different way - a way that leads to the best results and the minimum of stress and tension and upset for all concerned. You are the adults so you have to be the ones to implement this and to swallow your desire to be "bosses". There is something about having the adults being the boss and having the power is very upsetting and threatening to these children. Sometimes I ask my son, in a non-threatening way, and when we have peaceful relations, "Who is in charge?" and he says "You!" I do this because I think somewhere it is reassuring and good for him to know that - but you can only get there by non-confrontational techniques, if you see what I mean. It's a kind of rethink of your whole communication techniques. Not easy and how to get your husband on board? Try to get him to read "The Explosive Child" as a start? You have to be responsible for the changes in your household, hoping and trusting that the others will follow suit. Also not easy....</p><p>Hugs. Do keep coming here for support.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 439146, member: 11227"] Hello and welcome. These children, with their "oppositional defiance" will push all your buttons and are extremely hard to handle at times. Physical violence is of course not recommended but without deeper understanding and help, this is quick to rise to the surface because these children can be very, very frustrating. I second the suggestion that you become involved in family therapy, if that is possible for you. I too have a son that is liable to say things like "No, I don't want to!" when I ask him to do something. And yes that is embarrassing in public. What I have found is that issuing commands to my son, or talking in a blunt, direct way, seems to "set him off", trigger off some oppositional response. I have tried experiments with this; if I ask my son to do something in a friendly, no-big-issue kind of voice, he will more than likely do it. You may want to try that. Basically, there is a whole process - personally I am not there yet - in which you have to let go of the desire to have a "normal" child with whom you can engage in "normal" parenting. You have to parent in a different way - a way that leads to the best results and the minimum of stress and tension and upset for all concerned. You are the adults so you have to be the ones to implement this and to swallow your desire to be "bosses". There is something about having the adults being the boss and having the power is very upsetting and threatening to these children. Sometimes I ask my son, in a non-threatening way, and when we have peaceful relations, "Who is in charge?" and he says "You!" I do this because I think somewhere it is reassuring and good for him to know that - but you can only get there by non-confrontational techniques, if you see what I mean. It's a kind of rethink of your whole communication techniques. Not easy and how to get your husband on board? Try to get him to read "The Explosive Child" as a start? You have to be responsible for the changes in your household, hoping and trusting that the others will follow suit. Also not easy.... Hugs. Do keep coming here for support. [/QUOTE]
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Hi, I' new here and in need of others that know how I feel....
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