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General Parenting
His sense of entitlement has GOT to go..VENT LONG
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 74376" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I do wonder sometimes - this "need" for things, constantly is something I saw in my adopted niece; to a lesser extent in my adopted nephew. Both were adopted in their first year but both were delayed adoptions due to neglect and probable abuse. The girl especially was incredibly competitive with her younger sister, always had to have EVERYTHING. This continued into teens and actually got worse - she would even get angry with herself for her jealous rages and demands. But it didn't stop her - she would take her sister's things constantly. The younger sister would buy herself some sheet music - the older one would HAVE to learn to play it first, even if it meant hogging the keyboard (and the music - not even hers).</p><p></p><p>Clothes, toys, music - everything, the older one had to have not only the same, but ALL of it.</p><p></p><p>My sister finally told them they were adopted, in their late teens. My nephew was relieved, because he hated his adoptive father and said "at least it means I'm not related to that *******."</p><p>My niece was told in a gentler fashion (ie appropriately) and said she felt it explained a lot about herself - the early neglect, the malnutrition - could it be why she was always a desperate hoarder of whatever she could lay her hands on?</p><p></p><p>She is a bright girl, she has her own kids now and is a child care worker (hence - trained in matters relating to children and their care) and is still looking for answers. She is now close to her sister and her mother (my sister), they all still live in the same town.</p><p></p><p>I saw something similar in my oldest friend's brother. His adoptive parents could indulge him in anything he wanted, but weren't foolish about it. On the one hand he never seemed to value anything but would be careless with it; on the other hand, he always wanted more. He was never satisfied, even though he was given far more that I ever had - my friend's family were wealthy, mine were definitely not. But I would see this boy with his pile of toys, crying for something he still didn't have.</p><p>He ended up turning to crime to get what he wanted. He could never get enough, so he took to stealing it - not only did it put the material possessions in his pocket, it took them away from the owners, so for him it felt like win-win. His adoptive parents had to disown him in the end - he was a legal adult by then, but they had done everything they could, from the time they first fostered him when he was 6. They tried to help him, they really did - but it just couldn't work, he had been too badly damaged.</p><p></p><p>But how could anybody know? People just weren't told the full background in those days. I was there for the whole process, I know how much effort went into that young man - and he did try, too, he really wanted a family to belong to and knew he had a good, loving home at last - but maybe underneath was the sense of "all this could go away in an instant, it's only an illusion."</p><p></p><p>My niece was malnourished in infancy. I've known others who had similar experiences as infants, due to being born in war-torn Europe. And they had similar issues with needing to HAVE everything. One man was gentle, loving, he'd overcome the monsters from his childhood, he thought - and turned into a hysterical monster when his wife cooked potato soup. Turned out that that's what his mother fed him (made from rotten potatoes, all they could get) and it was all they had to stay alive. Even made with gourmet ingredients, to this man it still smelt of that appalling smell of rotten potato, the nightmare of his very early childhood.</p><p>My father in law was a POW in WWII but was never that insane over potato soup. He would turn his nose up at it (similar reasons - they had to make do and often had bad food) but because he was an adult at the time, it didn't seem to have that unreasonable effect on him. Trauma during childhood, even very early childhood, can leave much deeper scars than we ever did credit in the past.</p><p></p><p>Not that this justifies this behaviour - nothing justifies it. But it also shows what we are up against sometimes. When it runs that deep, it's very hard to deal with.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 74376, member: 1991"] I do wonder sometimes - this "need" for things, constantly is something I saw in my adopted niece; to a lesser extent in my adopted nephew. Both were adopted in their first year but both were delayed adoptions due to neglect and probable abuse. The girl especially was incredibly competitive with her younger sister, always had to have EVERYTHING. This continued into teens and actually got worse - she would even get angry with herself for her jealous rages and demands. But it didn't stop her - she would take her sister's things constantly. The younger sister would buy herself some sheet music - the older one would HAVE to learn to play it first, even if it meant hogging the keyboard (and the music - not even hers). Clothes, toys, music - everything, the older one had to have not only the same, but ALL of it. My sister finally told them they were adopted, in their late teens. My nephew was relieved, because he hated his adoptive father and said "at least it means I'm not related to that *******." My niece was told in a gentler fashion (ie appropriately) and said she felt it explained a lot about herself - the early neglect, the malnutrition - could it be why she was always a desperate hoarder of whatever she could lay her hands on? She is a bright girl, she has her own kids now and is a child care worker (hence - trained in matters relating to children and their care) and is still looking for answers. She is now close to her sister and her mother (my sister), they all still live in the same town. I saw something similar in my oldest friend's brother. His adoptive parents could indulge him in anything he wanted, but weren't foolish about it. On the one hand he never seemed to value anything but would be careless with it; on the other hand, he always wanted more. He was never satisfied, even though he was given far more that I ever had - my friend's family were wealthy, mine were definitely not. But I would see this boy with his pile of toys, crying for something he still didn't have. He ended up turning to crime to get what he wanted. He could never get enough, so he took to stealing it - not only did it put the material possessions in his pocket, it took them away from the owners, so for him it felt like win-win. His adoptive parents had to disown him in the end - he was a legal adult by then, but they had done everything they could, from the time they first fostered him when he was 6. They tried to help him, they really did - but it just couldn't work, he had been too badly damaged. But how could anybody know? People just weren't told the full background in those days. I was there for the whole process, I know how much effort went into that young man - and he did try, too, he really wanted a family to belong to and knew he had a good, loving home at last - but maybe underneath was the sense of "all this could go away in an instant, it's only an illusion." My niece was malnourished in infancy. I've known others who had similar experiences as infants, due to being born in war-torn Europe. And they had similar issues with needing to HAVE everything. One man was gentle, loving, he'd overcome the monsters from his childhood, he thought - and turned into a hysterical monster when his wife cooked potato soup. Turned out that that's what his mother fed him (made from rotten potatoes, all they could get) and it was all they had to stay alive. Even made with gourmet ingredients, to this man it still smelt of that appalling smell of rotten potato, the nightmare of his very early childhood. My father in law was a POW in WWII but was never that insane over potato soup. He would turn his nose up at it (similar reasons - they had to make do and often had bad food) but because he was an adult at the time, it didn't seem to have that unreasonable effect on him. Trauma during childhood, even very early childhood, can leave much deeper scars than we ever did credit in the past. Not that this justifies this behaviour - nothing justifies it. But it also shows what we are up against sometimes. When it runs that deep, it's very hard to deal with. Marg [/QUOTE]
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