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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 673734" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Yes, one heartbeat</p><p>and the next</p><p>where</p><p>time</p><p>stops.</p><p></p><p>Oh my God,</p><p>Cedar, my heart.</p><p></p><p>Now<em> I am</em> Madame Butterfly.</p><p>I sent my daughter out the door.</p><p>And it literally <em>killed </em>me Cedar.</p><p></p><p>It was the right thing to do.</p><p>God, help me, it was the right thing to do.</p><p><em>She does not want to come off this drug.</em></p><p><em>She does not want help.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>She came to us and <em>healed</em></p><p>after the bat incident.</p><p>then went <em>right back </em>to the streets.</p><p>She was "bored".</p><p></p><p>I can't save my daughter,</p><p>she will not save herself.</p><p>I do not even know where she is.</p><p></p><p>My grandson-not me,</p><p>he didn't ask me,</p><p> <em>although he has</em>,</p><p>he was asking someone who was kind,</p><p>an <em>acquaintance,</em> my sons friends mother,</p><p>who paid special attention to him for a <em>few days</em></p><p>"I want you to be my mom"</p><p>he said</p><p>"Can I come live with you?"</p><p></p><p>There are not enough tears</p><p>in the whole world for this.</p><p>Will this agony ever,ever stop?</p><p>Not in the near future, I fear.</p><p></p><p>I have to create a space in my mind</p><p>to hold the pain of it,</p><p>and many more stories like this.</p><p>A space where I can store them</p><p>like old woolen clothing.</p><p>I can pull something out,</p><p>when I need it.</p><p>I don't wear it,</p><p>because it's uncomfortable</p><p>and itchy.</p><p>It has to go in the</p><p>hope chest</p><p>in the back of my mind</p><p>covered in moth balls.</p><p>Then,</p><p>when I am ready</p><p>and the time</p><p>is right</p><p>I will take</p><p>my scissors</p><p>Like New England</p><p>women of old</p><p>and slowly shred</p><p>the painful</p><p>memories</p><p>into woolen strips.</p><p>Memories of faded</p><p>hues</p><p>braided</p><p>and</p><p>sewn</p><p>into</p><p>an oval</p><p>rug</p><p>to</p><p>tread</p><p>on.</p><p><img src="http://www.thorndikemills.com/images/mfg/d-27.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>What is the reason for all of this craziness?</p><p></p><p>It is <em>absolutely unbearable</em>.</p><p></p><p>Detachment? Co-dependent? Interdependent? Family? Culture? Genetics? Addiction?</p><p></p><p>It is DEVASTATION.</p><p></p><p>What does it even matter, what theory, or terminology is used, when all of this is happening?</p><p></p><p>How does one separate themselves from all of this?</p><p></p><p><em>Devastation.</em></p><p></p><p>Go on living, when the world is falling apart for my two, and my grands.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>I have to.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>I have to go on. If I could not do it for myself, I have <em>my own brown eyed beautiful son</em>, <em>who</em> <em>has waited all of these years</em>, Cedar, while his sisters, took center stage with all of this CRAP.</p><p></p><p>So, <em>devastation</em> turns into grief in all of its stages, then anger and determination to survive.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing to say or do, when these two <em>refuse to help themselves</em>.</p><p></p><p>Not even the <em>State </em>will help my grands.</p><p></p><p></p><p>One day at a time. Lots and lots of mind work, heart work. Crying, not crying, numbing. Writing, working, cleaning.</p><p></p><p>It is there, always, the devastation,</p><p>and it lingers and lurks.</p><p></p><p>But I cannot let it lead me by the nose anymore.</p><p></p><p>So I push it way, way back.</p><p>I have <em>no control</em> over this, the choices my d cs make.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I will build myself up.</p><p></p><p>I will look into whatever is going to help me be strong and rebuild.</p><p></p><p>Dammit, I need to heal whatever it is, that<em> <strong>led me over and again</strong></em><strong>,</strong> to let my two come home and wreak havoc through my house, or have control over my feelings and actions.</p><p></p><p>That is the part I am looking at, the codependent enabler.</p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">Taken From The Book: "<u>Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls"</u>, Written by Robert Burney, therapist</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up denying the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced to deny our selves.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal, deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the underlying tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's ignoring us because of his workaholism and/or mom smothering us because she had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc., etc.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at someone you love - especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make noise or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do anything wrong; etc., etc.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings ignored and nullified.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in some foreign country against some identified "enemy" - it was in the "homes" which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three - it was for sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" - our safest place to be was not safe - and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because our sanctuary was a battlefield.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad - it was a battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest role models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have dictated human existence for thousands of years.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome. The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us. Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we do not know who we are.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0059b3">Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and trust ourselves."</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">here is another good resource</span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 179)"><a href="https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html" target="_blank">https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html</a></span></p><p></p><p>A lot of this rings true for me, it makes me want to delve much further into the subject.</p><p></p><p>While I am at this impasse with my grands and my two, I want to fill my toolbox with as many resources as I can to help myself, and also resources that I can point my addicted daughters towards.</p><p></p><p>This is my journey, I do not put my beliefs on others, I respect everyones perspective and opinions.</p><p></p><p>I am still learning and struggling to come through this.</p><p></p><p>I pray for all to find peace.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 673734, member: 19522"] Yes, one heartbeat and the next where time stops. Oh my God, Cedar, my heart. Now[I] I am[/I] Madame Butterfly. I sent my daughter out the door. And it literally [I]killed [/I]me Cedar. It was the right thing to do. God, help me, it was the right thing to do. [I]She does not want to come off this drug. She does not want help. [/I] She came to us and [I]healed[/I] after the bat incident. then went [I]right back [/I]to the streets. She was "bored". I can't save my daughter, she will not save herself. I do not even know where she is. My grandson-not me, he didn't ask me, [I]although he has[/I], he was asking someone who was kind, an [I]acquaintance,[/I] my sons friends mother, who paid special attention to him for a [I]few days[/I] "I want you to be my mom" he said "Can I come live with you?" There are not enough tears in the whole world for this. Will this agony ever,ever stop? Not in the near future, I fear. I have to create a space in my mind to hold the pain of it, and many more stories like this. A space where I can store them like old woolen clothing. I can pull something out, when I need it. I don't wear it, because it's uncomfortable and itchy. It has to go in the hope chest in the back of my mind covered in moth balls. Then, when I am ready and the time is right I will take my scissors Like New England women of old and slowly shred the painful memories into woolen strips. Memories of faded hues braided and sewn into an oval rug to tread on. [IMG]http://www.thorndikemills.com/images/mfg/d-27.jpg[/IMG] What is the reason for all of this craziness? It is [I]absolutely unbearable[/I]. Detachment? Co-dependent? Interdependent? Family? Culture? Genetics? Addiction? It is DEVASTATION. What does it even matter, what theory, or terminology is used, when all of this is happening? How does one separate themselves from all of this? [I]Devastation.[/I] Go on living, when the world is falling apart for my two, and my grands. [I][B]I have to.[/B][/I] I have to go on. If I could not do it for myself, I have [I]my own brown eyed beautiful son[/I], [I]who[/I] [I]has waited all of these years[/I], Cedar, while his sisters, took center stage with all of this CRAP. So, [I]devastation[/I] turns into grief in all of its stages, then anger and determination to survive. There is nothing to say or do, when these two [I]refuse to help themselves[/I]. Not even the [I]State [/I]will help my grands. One day at a time. Lots and lots of mind work, heart work. Crying, not crying, numbing. Writing, working, cleaning. It is there, always, the devastation, and it lingers and lurks. But I cannot let it lead me by the nose anymore. So I push it way, way back. I have [I]no control[/I] over this, the choices my d cs make. I will build myself up. I will look into whatever is going to help me be strong and rebuild. Dammit, I need to heal whatever it is, that[I] [B]led me over and again[/B][/I][B],[/B] to let my two come home and wreak havoc through my house, or have control over my feelings and actions. That is the part I am looking at, the codependent enabler. [COLOR=#0059b3]Taken From The Book: "[U]Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls"[/U], Written by Robert Burney, therapist Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome. Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up denying the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced to deny our selves. We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal, deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the underlying tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's ignoring us because of his workaholism and/or mom smothering us because she had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc., etc. We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at someone you love - especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make noise or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do anything wrong; etc., etc. We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings ignored and nullified. The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in some foreign country against some identified "enemy" - it was in the "homes" which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three - it was for sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years. We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" - our safest place to be was not safe - and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because our sanctuary was a battlefield. It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad - it was a battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest role models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have dictated human existence for thousands of years. Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome. The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us. Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we do not know who we are. Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and trust ourselves."[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000] here is another good resource[/COLOR] [COLOR=rgb(0, 0, 179)][URL]https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html[/URL][/COLOR] A lot of this rings true for me, it makes me want to delve much further into the subject. While I am at this impasse with my grands and my two, I want to fill my toolbox with as many resources as I can to help myself, and also resources that I can point my addicted daughters towards. This is my journey, I do not put my beliefs on others, I respect everyones perspective and opinions. I am still learning and struggling to come through this. I pray for all to find peace. leafy [/QUOTE]
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