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Homeless 46 year old daughter and a son in jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 696813" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I always feel like I don't have anything new to add, because the same things keep helping me, so I am forever reposting things I have posted, before. But Jodie? Here are the things that help me.</p><p></p><p>The concept of "toolbox". Knowing, when I've received That Call, that even if I can't recall any of what I've learned right in that moment, I do have a toolbox of ideas. That helps me very much.</p><p></p><p>The concept of FOG: Fear / Obligation / Guilt</p><p></p><p>When That Call comes in the middle of the night. That is the feeling of FOG. If we can name where we are, then we can give ourselves time. Just a breath or however many breaths it takes.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>For me, understanding how to detach ~ I couldn't do it. Then, once day, I finally got it that what everyone was talking about was a twofold thing: First, we need to unravel what it is to enable. Enabling is harmful to our troubled kids. Enabling turns them into beggars who believe, because that is what we inadvertently taught them, that if only the story is bad enough, we will help. That is the danger to our children in continuing to enable. Recovering Enabler posted to me once that we can tell if we are enabling if we resent the helping, this time.</p><p></p><p>That was priceless, to me, to know that.</p><p></p><p>Our resenting the help we give is a key part about what changes helping to enabling. </p><p></p><p>When we decide to stop enabling, FOG is overwhelming. The skill we need then is detachment. We need to detach from the emotions, from FOG.</p><p></p><p>To accomplish the above skills, I needed phrases, I needed words to say. Because what I wanted to say was: Yes. What I knew I needed to say was: No. What I needed to say was: "You are bright and strong and well able. I love you. I am right here with and for you. I no longer believe I am being the best parent I can when I fix things for you. So, I'm not doing that anymore. I love you."</p><p></p><p>There is a link at the bottom of my posts having to do with how to speak with our adult children. It helped me very much.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It helped me to learn how to suffer.</p><p></p><p>Doesn't that sound strange. It helped me to learn how to bear it. I googled the Mary, and the Christ. Paintings showing the raw suffering of a mother whose child suffered.</p><p></p><p>That helped me.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, there are no words.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Albatross gave us the concept of living in the rabbit hole ~ of living in Alice's nightmarish Wonderland where nothing is as it seems and the Red Queen is coming.</p><p></p><p>That helped me.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Learning about the possible genetic component to personality disorders and addiction helped me see both my children and myself with compassion.</p><p></p><p>This song helped me understand that loving doesn't have to be perfect ~ helped me understand the pain in loving that turns into suffering and how to bear it.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]3q7TRVOM9KQ[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 696813, member: 17461"] I always feel like I don't have anything new to add, because the same things keep helping me, so I am forever reposting things I have posted, before. But Jodie? Here are the things that help me. The concept of "toolbox". Knowing, when I've received That Call, that even if I can't recall any of what I've learned right in that moment, I do have a toolbox of ideas. That helps me very much. The concept of FOG: Fear / Obligation / Guilt When That Call comes in the middle of the night. That is the feeling of FOG. If we can name where we are, then we can give ourselves time. Just a breath or however many breaths it takes. *** For me, understanding how to detach ~ I couldn't do it. Then, once day, I finally got it that what everyone was talking about was a twofold thing: First, we need to unravel what it is to enable. Enabling is harmful to our troubled kids. Enabling turns them into beggars who believe, because that is what we inadvertently taught them, that if only the story is bad enough, we will help. That is the danger to our children in continuing to enable. Recovering Enabler posted to me once that we can tell if we are enabling if we resent the helping, this time. That was priceless, to me, to know that. Our resenting the help we give is a key part about what changes helping to enabling. When we decide to stop enabling, FOG is overwhelming. The skill we need then is detachment. We need to detach from the emotions, from FOG. To accomplish the above skills, I needed phrases, I needed words to say. Because what I wanted to say was: Yes. What I knew I needed to say was: No. What I needed to say was: "You are bright and strong and well able. I love you. I am right here with and for you. I no longer believe I am being the best parent I can when I fix things for you. So, I'm not doing that anymore. I love you." There is a link at the bottom of my posts having to do with how to speak with our adult children. It helped me very much. *** It helped me to learn how to suffer. Doesn't that sound strange. It helped me to learn how to bear it. I googled the Mary, and the Christ. Paintings showing the raw suffering of a mother whose child suffered. That helped me. Sometimes, there are no words. *** Albatross gave us the concept of living in the rabbit hole ~ of living in Alice's nightmarish Wonderland where nothing is as it seems and the Red Queen is coming. That helped me. *** Learning about the possible genetic component to personality disorders and addiction helped me see both my children and myself with compassion. This song helped me understand that loving doesn't have to be perfect ~ helped me understand the pain in loving that turns into suffering and how to bear it. [MEDIA=youtube]3q7TRVOM9KQ[/MEDIA] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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