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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 649627" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>Wow -- So many of us experiencing heartache around homelessness. Thank you all for sharing your poignant stories and profound insights. Each one of them moves me in a unique way. "Homelessness" sounds so generalized, but it's clearly also so individualized. Each person is more than a demographic....they're an individual.</p><p></p><p>My husband and I were discussing our son last night (who has been intermittently homeless for years....and, honestly, usually if he does live somewhere, it's a drug-infested gang house -- neither is good). I feel at a new and strange place with him inside me. Something has shifted (like, just now).</p><p></p><p>Yes, I have felt deep love for him --- he is still our son and we will always love him in deep ways..........ways that I generally only find when we lock eyes (so rare these days) and we just "know". Yes, I have felt fear of him --- when he's in the throes of a mental health episode or drug rage, he is completely unrecognizable to me. I, like many of you probably, have seen and heard things my mind and heart can never erase -- unfortunately. And, yes, I have felt times of neutrality about him -- and there's clearly a peace around that.</p><p></p><p>But last night I felt something odd and new........... I genuinely FORGOT about him. I mean, really FORGOT about him. Like, nearly FORGOT I had a son. Not really, but..........do you know what I mean? We're remodeling our living room and getting rid of a couple of pieces of furniture. Ordinarily, my first thought is that I wish our son lived somewhere so I could give them to him (rather than giving things to him and him turning right around and pawning it for drugs). But this time, I didn't even think of our son. I thought of our daughter-in-law (whom we love dearly - mother of our grandson) and daughter in law's siblings (5 altogether). It's not like I skipped over our son in wisdom, sadness, consideration or anything else. I simply FORGOT he existed. And that's never happened before. It troubles me a little that I FORGOT about his existence. Strange sensation. It feels like there's a connection to my "prepping" myself since he was 18-19 (and survived a game of Russian Roulette, while his friend was killed). I think I've been prepping for losing him for 5-6 years. I keep thinking, "How many years can one be mired deeply in gang violence, meth and homelessness and survive?"</p><p></p><p>RE -- It feels like a new door has popped up in the "Hallway". An unexpected door. I'm not prone to forgetting people -- let alone my own son. I guess, for a moment last night, it felt as if our son had died long ago. Strange. Grief in that feeling........and yet, admittedly, some degree of peace.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where he is now. Not sure I want to know (details). Haven't seen anything on FB in a few days. Perhaps I'll check the online jail roster. Perhaps I won't. </p><p></p><p>I feel more "connected" to him this morning. Sort of. But I'm not sure which is easier to bear..... The forgetting or the remembering.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 649627, member: 18284"] Wow -- So many of us experiencing heartache around homelessness. Thank you all for sharing your poignant stories and profound insights. Each one of them moves me in a unique way. "Homelessness" sounds so generalized, but it's clearly also so individualized. Each person is more than a demographic....they're an individual. My husband and I were discussing our son last night (who has been intermittently homeless for years....and, honestly, usually if he does live somewhere, it's a drug-infested gang house -- neither is good). I feel at a new and strange place with him inside me. Something has shifted (like, just now). Yes, I have felt deep love for him --- he is still our son and we will always love him in deep ways..........ways that I generally only find when we lock eyes (so rare these days) and we just "know". Yes, I have felt fear of him --- when he's in the throes of a mental health episode or drug rage, he is completely unrecognizable to me. I, like many of you probably, have seen and heard things my mind and heart can never erase -- unfortunately. And, yes, I have felt times of neutrality about him -- and there's clearly a peace around that. But last night I felt something odd and new........... I genuinely FORGOT about him. I mean, really FORGOT about him. Like, nearly FORGOT I had a son. Not really, but..........do you know what I mean? We're remodeling our living room and getting rid of a couple of pieces of furniture. Ordinarily, my first thought is that I wish our son lived somewhere so I could give them to him (rather than giving things to him and him turning right around and pawning it for drugs). But this time, I didn't even think of our son. I thought of our daughter-in-law (whom we love dearly - mother of our grandson) and daughter in law's siblings (5 altogether). It's not like I skipped over our son in wisdom, sadness, consideration or anything else. I simply FORGOT he existed. And that's never happened before. It troubles me a little that I FORGOT about his existence. Strange sensation. It feels like there's a connection to my "prepping" myself since he was 18-19 (and survived a game of Russian Roulette, while his friend was killed). I think I've been prepping for losing him for 5-6 years. I keep thinking, "How many years can one be mired deeply in gang violence, meth and homelessness and survive?" RE -- It feels like a new door has popped up in the "Hallway". An unexpected door. I'm not prone to forgetting people -- let alone my own son. I guess, for a moment last night, it felt as if our son had died long ago. Strange. Grief in that feeling........and yet, admittedly, some degree of peace. I don't know where he is now. Not sure I want to know (details). Haven't seen anything on FB in a few days. Perhaps I'll check the online jail roster. Perhaps I won't. I feel more "connected" to him this morning. Sort of. But I'm not sure which is easier to bear..... The forgetting or the remembering....... [/QUOTE]
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