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Hoping my visit isn't taking us all backwards
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<blockquote data-quote="blackgnat" data-source="post: 631332" data-attributes="member: 13561"><p>Thanks for sharing that, MWM! I do agree that shorter visits are better-I probably should have left yesterday as I am becoming hyper aware that I'm starting to get on their nerves and vice-versa. They just need to get on with their own lives and me being here is producing some feelings of guilt, I think, like "Well, I want to do my own thing, but Mom is here, so we need to spend the time with her..." I have even had two fights with easy child and we don't normally do that, so to me I have reached the point where I feel FINE about going!</p><p></p><p>Of course, the goodbyes will be hard, as they always are, but that's just part of life. I am much more detached than I was this time last year, when I brought difficult child out here. Of course, his future is just as uncertain, but the authorities have quite a tight rein on him so he has a lot to lose.</p><p></p><p>I saw flashes of the old him yesterday, when he got a letter from court telling him he had to pay a fine for one of his misdeamenors. He was raging and ugly and foul mouthed and grouchy on the ride back to the shelter and was really saying some horrible things. I decided that I am absolutely NOT interested in hearing and seeing that kind of behavior. Then when I got back to the apartment, easy child and I had our fight and I thought, "well THiS cements it". I do NOT belong in this environment. I had thoughts of moving out here for a while, just so I could be near them (I know, right?) but it's really NOT appropriate, especially at this formative stage of their adult lives.</p><p></p><p>difficult child has handed in two applications and has two more to fill out but I highly doubt he will. I believe you are right about getting help with jobs from his probation officer-he is also part of a community services program where they help them with that kind of thing. I'm just not sure that he wants to work, despite his assurances to the contrary. The PO helped him to fill out his SSI form today and I'm sure he'd be over the moon if he could live off THAT money.</p><p></p><p>I met the difficult child's ex girlfriend's mother (that takes some figuring out!) yesterday for coffee. I wanted to meet her and thank her in person for all she has done for difficult child. We had a nice chat and discovered some things we hadn't known about the situation. One of those things is that difficult child and girlfriend are back in touch, though neither of us is supposed to know about this. Neither of them has revealed this to their mothers (i.e. us!)and difficult child has resolutely denied that he has contacted her or seen her. To me, no surprises there. It's something about going back to the source-I KNEW he would do it. But I have no control over that. Or anything else, for that matter.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, we talked yesterday and she wants to meet me again, without difficult child knowing. I agreed, but I have no idea why she feels a second meeting is necessary. To me, we said everything we needed to say. I feel that she is very much like me, an enabler, but I feel I am further on in the process of detachment. Certainly not there yet and I would certainly slip back if I were to remain or relocate here to Colorado.</p><p></p><p>The ONLY reason I'm staying is that PCs best friend, whom I had lunch with the other day, wants me to meet his mother as he feels we would get along famously. He invited us for dinner but the only time he can do it is tomorrow evening. Being a people pleaser, I said yes, but what I REALLY want to do is leave here tomorrow morning at about 6am and begin my arduous journey back to Illinois.</p><p></p><p>I know this part of myself is just trying to please easy child and I wonder if I have the backbone to say I've changed my mind...I cleaned his bathroom and did some laundry yesterday and just thought "OMG, all I'm doing here is trying to prove that I AM a good mother and am overcompensating for the fact that I heaped all my attention on the problems of difficult child while they were growing up and easy child had to kinda follow along..."</p><p></p><p>Sigh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="blackgnat, post: 631332, member: 13561"] Thanks for sharing that, MWM! I do agree that shorter visits are better-I probably should have left yesterday as I am becoming hyper aware that I'm starting to get on their nerves and vice-versa. They just need to get on with their own lives and me being here is producing some feelings of guilt, I think, like "Well, I want to do my own thing, but Mom is here, so we need to spend the time with her..." I have even had two fights with easy child and we don't normally do that, so to me I have reached the point where I feel FINE about going! Of course, the goodbyes will be hard, as they always are, but that's just part of life. I am much more detached than I was this time last year, when I brought difficult child out here. Of course, his future is just as uncertain, but the authorities have quite a tight rein on him so he has a lot to lose. I saw flashes of the old him yesterday, when he got a letter from court telling him he had to pay a fine for one of his misdeamenors. He was raging and ugly and foul mouthed and grouchy on the ride back to the shelter and was really saying some horrible things. I decided that I am absolutely NOT interested in hearing and seeing that kind of behavior. Then when I got back to the apartment, easy child and I had our fight and I thought, "well THiS cements it". I do NOT belong in this environment. I had thoughts of moving out here for a while, just so I could be near them (I know, right?) but it's really NOT appropriate, especially at this formative stage of their adult lives. difficult child has handed in two applications and has two more to fill out but I highly doubt he will. I believe you are right about getting help with jobs from his probation officer-he is also part of a community services program where they help them with that kind of thing. I'm just not sure that he wants to work, despite his assurances to the contrary. The PO helped him to fill out his SSI form today and I'm sure he'd be over the moon if he could live off THAT money. I met the difficult child's ex girlfriend's mother (that takes some figuring out!) yesterday for coffee. I wanted to meet her and thank her in person for all she has done for difficult child. We had a nice chat and discovered some things we hadn't known about the situation. One of those things is that difficult child and girlfriend are back in touch, though neither of us is supposed to know about this. Neither of them has revealed this to their mothers (i.e. us!)and difficult child has resolutely denied that he has contacted her or seen her. To me, no surprises there. It's something about going back to the source-I KNEW he would do it. But I have no control over that. Or anything else, for that matter. The thing is, we talked yesterday and she wants to meet me again, without difficult child knowing. I agreed, but I have no idea why she feels a second meeting is necessary. To me, we said everything we needed to say. I feel that she is very much like me, an enabler, but I feel I am further on in the process of detachment. Certainly not there yet and I would certainly slip back if I were to remain or relocate here to Colorado. The ONLY reason I'm staying is that PCs best friend, whom I had lunch with the other day, wants me to meet his mother as he feels we would get along famously. He invited us for dinner but the only time he can do it is tomorrow evening. Being a people pleaser, I said yes, but what I REALLY want to do is leave here tomorrow morning at about 6am and begin my arduous journey back to Illinois. I know this part of myself is just trying to please easy child and I wonder if I have the backbone to say I've changed my mind...I cleaned his bathroom and did some laundry yesterday and just thought "OMG, all I'm doing here is trying to prove that I AM a good mother and am overcompensating for the fact that I heaped all my attention on the problems of difficult child while they were growing up and easy child had to kinda follow along..." Sigh. [/QUOTE]
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