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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752640" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree that the children who bring us here are lacking in empathy and compassion for how their behavior may affect others, especially us, their parents. And I agree that some of our kids have personality styles or elements that either fuel or are fueling their drug use and for sure, complicate whatever acute mental illness they may have. </p><p></p><p>I would not say that the majority of the kids here have intractable personality disorders. They, like the rest of us have personality attributes that contribute to their making the same mistakes over and over; like a pattern or a mold, their personalities make them prone to experience and respond to life in stereotypical ways. My own experience has shown me that in humans, this is more common than not. But it would not lead, in my own opinion, to the across the board diagnosis of a personality disorder for most of us. Even the kids on this forum.</p><p></p><p>What is happening to our kids, is immaturity, extreme resistance to becoming independent, and accepting the responsibilities of adulthood, extreme self-indulgence, and/or difficult histories that are hard for them to deal with and make sense of and/or enmeshment with a very involved, and perhaps over-sensitive and vulnerable parent. (I am raising my hand here.)</p><p></p><p>Always, the learning is ours. I will speak here only about myself. When my son began acting out, alternately, I was wounded to the core, or pushed him too far away. Only when this extreme emotionality (and defense) on my part moderated was I able to even remotely respond to him in a way that was appropriate to the circumstance. Who had the personality defect here?</p><p></p><p>I understand why we may feel and believe that our children are irremediably flawed. There is a security in this, a defense against the bad that keeps coming at us. It is oh so much harder to be open to shades of grey, to slightly better, to a little bit of positive, that may, tomorrow turn to unrelenting horribleness. Again. It's oh so hard to be self-protective and at the same time open, especially when one's personal boundaries and sense of self may itself be fragile.</p><p></p><p>But I don't believe that painting with a wide brush, to defend ourselves against pain and our own cutting edge is necessarily the most powerful way to respond to all of our kids. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes the cruelty of our kids does not come from a desire to be cruel. It could be indifference, it could be defense, all kinds of things, beyond deep and profound personality limits. I guess what I am trying to say here is that the most powerful thing for us, is not necessarily to view our children as irrevocably and hopelessly damaged. </p><p></p><p>I worked with people like this for many years. Of a thousand that I may have come to know fairly well, less than a handful did I see as irremediably broken. The rest, to me, seemed capable of learning and changing. And some did.</p><p></p><p>I do not find the concept of personality disorder that useful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752640, member: 18958"] I agree that the children who bring us here are lacking in empathy and compassion for how their behavior may affect others, especially us, their parents. And I agree that some of our kids have personality styles or elements that either fuel or are fueling their drug use and for sure, complicate whatever acute mental illness they may have. I would not say that the majority of the kids here have intractable personality disorders. They, like the rest of us have personality attributes that contribute to their making the same mistakes over and over; like a pattern or a mold, their personalities make them prone to experience and respond to life in stereotypical ways. My own experience has shown me that in humans, this is more common than not. But it would not lead, in my own opinion, to the across the board diagnosis of a personality disorder for most of us. Even the kids on this forum. What is happening to our kids, is immaturity, extreme resistance to becoming independent, and accepting the responsibilities of adulthood, extreme self-indulgence, and/or difficult histories that are hard for them to deal with and make sense of and/or enmeshment with a very involved, and perhaps over-sensitive and vulnerable parent. (I am raising my hand here.) Always, the learning is ours. I will speak here only about myself. When my son began acting out, alternately, I was wounded to the core, or pushed him too far away. Only when this extreme emotionality (and defense) on my part moderated was I able to even remotely respond to him in a way that was appropriate to the circumstance. Who had the personality defect here? I understand why we may feel and believe that our children are irremediably flawed. There is a security in this, a defense against the bad that keeps coming at us. It is oh so much harder to be open to shades of grey, to slightly better, to a little bit of positive, that may, tomorrow turn to unrelenting horribleness. Again. It's oh so hard to be self-protective and at the same time open, especially when one's personal boundaries and sense of self may itself be fragile. But I don't believe that painting with a wide brush, to defend ourselves against pain and our own cutting edge is necessarily the most powerful way to respond to all of our kids. Sometimes the cruelty of our kids does not come from a desire to be cruel. It could be indifference, it could be defense, all kinds of things, beyond deep and profound personality limits. I guess what I am trying to say here is that the most powerful thing for us, is not necessarily to view our children as irrevocably and hopelessly damaged. I worked with people like this for many years. Of a thousand that I may have come to know fairly well, less than a handful did I see as irremediably broken. The rest, to me, seemed capable of learning and changing. And some did. I do not find the concept of personality disorder that useful. [/QUOTE]
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