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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752848" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I know I did this to my mother and my son for sure did this to me.</p><p></p><p>I can remember a conversation with my mother. I could have been 45 years ago. I remember the time and place. I remember my mood. I was sad. And I was angry. I blamed her. I could not understand at the time, exactly why I blamed her, but I remember the feeling. I remember a sense of wanting to destroy myself, because the feelings I had about myself felt so toxic, there would be no other way to escape them.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to put those feelings outside of myself. It felt to me that my mother should help me hold them. Right or wrong, that's how I felt.</p><p></p><p>It took many, many years before I came to grips with the feelings, and how I related them to my mother. There was no way at the time I could have articulated what I felt, to my mother or to myself. All of it had to be worked out, revealed in life. </p><p></p><p>If I could have found a way to maintain my relationship with my mother through the years, and to put aside those feelings, I would have had a better life. I would have suffered less, and my mother too.</p><p></p><p>I was able to have a relationship with my mother for the last 20 years of her life, but I was never able to talk to her about what my feelings were either about myself or about our relationship. My mother was not available for that. And I did not develop the strength to try, until well after she died.</p><p></p><p>I think the truth of relationships does not necessarily emerge until many, many years later. But I believe that nobody is served by shutting down. Not our kids. Not us. I think there can be a great relief that comes by opening up to grief and to hope.</p><p></p><p>I think there is a lot of unprocessed grief here on this forum. But that's just me.</p><p></p><p>I loved my mother very much. I did not know how much until she was dying.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752848, member: 18958"] I know I did this to my mother and my son for sure did this to me. I can remember a conversation with my mother. I could have been 45 years ago. I remember the time and place. I remember my mood. I was sad. And I was angry. I blamed her. I could not understand at the time, exactly why I blamed her, but I remember the feeling. I remember a sense of wanting to destroy myself, because the feelings I had about myself felt so toxic, there would be no other way to escape them. I just wanted to put those feelings outside of myself. It felt to me that my mother should help me hold them. Right or wrong, that's how I felt. It took many, many years before I came to grips with the feelings, and how I related them to my mother. There was no way at the time I could have articulated what I felt, to my mother or to myself. All of it had to be worked out, revealed in life. If I could have found a way to maintain my relationship with my mother through the years, and to put aside those feelings, I would have had a better life. I would have suffered less, and my mother too. I was able to have a relationship with my mother for the last 20 years of her life, but I was never able to talk to her about what my feelings were either about myself or about our relationship. My mother was not available for that. And I did not develop the strength to try, until well after she died. I think the truth of relationships does not necessarily emerge until many, many years later. But I believe that nobody is served by shutting down. Not our kids. Not us. I think there can be a great relief that comes by opening up to grief and to hope. I think there is a lot of unprocessed grief here on this forum. But that's just me. I loved my mother very much. I did not know how much until she was dying. [/QUOTE]
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