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Horrible day
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 264031" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>I know you really like the therapist but do you think his advice is right when he says to let difficult child face consequences on things that won't affect him negatively? I think with our difficult children it is absolutely necessary for them to face negative consequences. My dtr's therapist says to "validate but don't compensate." He says to validate her feelings but don't change the situation for her. In this case it would mean validating her feelings that she hates homework, she can't do it, she can't turn it in, whatever her feelings are about it. Nevertheless, she will fail the classes if she doesn't do the homework--that's just a fact--no need for me to get upset or nag--it is what it is. I could say something like, "gosh, it really hoovers that you hate doing homework and that you feel you have to lie about it" and then let the consequences take effect. I can even sympathize with her that she failed the class--must be so frustrating, etc. </p><p></p><p>We too had a therapist for difficult child 1 who encouraged us to make all sorts of concessions to difficult child instead of putting the responsibility right back on her. difficult child had the therapist wrapped around her finger and also had the therapist convinced she might not be able to ever live independently. The therapist pretty much had us coddling difficult child because of her emotional problems. Now I know that there are plenty of tdocs who don't know what they are doing and I would follow my own gut. I used to think because they were the professionals that they had to know more than me. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry if I made you feel bad--I don't mean to add to your problems! Hope you have a better day today and I hope someone else will respond who is better at expressing their thoughts! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 264031, member: 3450"] I know you really like the therapist but do you think his advice is right when he says to let difficult child face consequences on things that won't affect him negatively? I think with our difficult children it is absolutely necessary for them to face negative consequences. My dtr's therapist says to "validate but don't compensate." He says to validate her feelings but don't change the situation for her. In this case it would mean validating her feelings that she hates homework, she can't do it, she can't turn it in, whatever her feelings are about it. Nevertheless, she will fail the classes if she doesn't do the homework--that's just a fact--no need for me to get upset or nag--it is what it is. I could say something like, "gosh, it really hoovers that you hate doing homework and that you feel you have to lie about it" and then let the consequences take effect. I can even sympathize with her that she failed the class--must be so frustrating, etc. We too had a therapist for difficult child 1 who encouraged us to make all sorts of concessions to difficult child instead of putting the responsibility right back on her. difficult child had the therapist wrapped around her finger and also had the therapist convinced she might not be able to ever live independently. The therapist pretty much had us coddling difficult child because of her emotional problems. Now I know that there are plenty of tdocs who don't know what they are doing and I would follow my own gut. I used to think because they were the professionals that they had to know more than me. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad--I don't mean to add to your problems! Hope you have a better day today and I hope someone else will respond who is better at expressing their thoughts! :) Jane [/QUOTE]
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