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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 764856" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. I don't like the word acceptance either. I have a much easier time with<strong><em> reality. </em></strong></p><p></p><p>We don't argue (usually) with reality unless it's the reality of our troubled children. Until we get strong(er). But the thing is, their conduct is as real as real can get, and the consequences, too, are real. </p><p></p><p>Now I don't argue with reality. It makes me sad to see how my son lives. It makes me sadder still how he treats me. And the saddest of all is that we don't have a loving relationship.</p><p></p><p>But I no longer persist in believing I have a role in how he lives. I accept the reality that he treats me poorly and as a consequence, I need to pull away. As I pull away he gets meaner and more aggressive.</p><p></p><p>That is reality. I know now that I must limit contact with him. I don't have any other option if this is the reality. I do not accept his mistreatment. I accept the reality that when people treat me badly, I leave their sphere. There are no special rules for my son.</p><p></p><p>I talk a good game. But I do get reactive. It is very hard for me to keep my composure, and stay loving when I feel he hurts me. I fault myself for that. The other night he called and said he had a "real problem." I said I will listen but please get to the point, (I meant without manipulation and drama.)</p><p></p><p>He started in with the manipulation and drama and I said, I'm hanging up. If you want to tell me the problem I will listen. So, I hung up.</p><p>An hour later I called him back. (My bad.) I said again,<em> J I will listen to you, please be direct.</em> he said this, <em>I'm going to die on the street. </em>I replied I had come to accept that as a potential reality.</p><p></p><p>I mean, who could take this? I wish I had said,<em> I love you and I would feel very sad if you died on the street.</em></p><p></p><p>The thing is, I think he ran out of SSI money, and we're only 8 days into the month. This happens every month and he wants M and I to bail him out. We have over and over again bailed him out. <strong>It doesn't work.</strong></p><p></p><p>Why can't I accept that he does not play fair and will say and do anything to try to weasel out of responsibility and gain what he wants?</p><p></p><p>I gues I can't deal with the reality that my son thinks of me as a thing not a person, not a soul, somebody who has loved him and fought for him for 34 years. All of it is so sad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 764856, member: 18958"] Yes. I don't like the word acceptance either. I have a much easier time with[B][I] reality. [/I][/B] We don't argue (usually) with reality unless it's the reality of our troubled children. Until we get strong(er). But the thing is, their conduct is as real as real can get, and the consequences, too, are real. Now I don't argue with reality. It makes me sad to see how my son lives. It makes me sadder still how he treats me. And the saddest of all is that we don't have a loving relationship. But I no longer persist in believing I have a role in how he lives. I accept the reality that he treats me poorly and as a consequence, I need to pull away. As I pull away he gets meaner and more aggressive. That is reality. I know now that I must limit contact with him. I don't have any other option if this is the reality. I do not accept his mistreatment. I accept the reality that when people treat me badly, I leave their sphere. There are no special rules for my son. I talk a good game. But I do get reactive. It is very hard for me to keep my composure, and stay loving when I feel he hurts me. I fault myself for that. The other night he called and said he had a "real problem." I said I will listen but please get to the point, (I meant without manipulation and drama.) He started in with the manipulation and drama and I said, I'm hanging up. If you want to tell me the problem I will listen. So, I hung up. An hour later I called him back. (My bad.) I said again,[I] J I will listen to you, please be direct.[/I] he said this, [I]I'm going to die on the street. [/I]I replied I had come to accept that as a potential reality. I mean, who could take this? I wish I had said,[I] I love you and I would feel very sad if you died on the street.[/I] The thing is, I think he ran out of SSI money, and we're only 8 days into the month. This happens every month and he wants M and I to bail him out. We have over and over again bailed him out. [B]It doesn't work.[/B] Why can't I accept that he does not play fair and will say and do anything to try to weasel out of responsibility and gain what he wants? I gues I can't deal with the reality that my son thinks of me as a thing not a person, not a soul, somebody who has loved him and fought for him for 34 years. All of it is so sad. [/QUOTE]
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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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