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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 751388" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi. I think the same things, although my daughter had a perfect life with a similar outcome. Funny how that works.</p><p></p><p> Most kids do not get raised by the old school idea of a family these days. Divorce is rampant. Kids have stepparents and blended families and two addresses. Women choose to be single parents these days. The 1950s model family is all but gone. Are all those kids who had more difficult beginnings struggling?</p><p></p><p>Of course not. </p><p></p><p>Now....our family was like the 1950s perfect family, although Kay is adopted and that is a factor. But Kay had a stereotypically good foundation. Guess what? It didn't matter. She is 33 and floundering. Badly. And she is not at all nice to us unless we are handing out money. We feel used and sad.</p><p></p><p>Do not blame yourself.</p><p></p><p>I am in Al Anon. I learned I cant tell someone else what to do, but I can share my experience. </p><p></p><p>We no longer give Kay a dime. We once bought her a house, then a mobile home when the house went south, paid rent when the mobile home did not work out, bought cars, paid her bills, you name it. </p><p></p><p>For Kay it just made her more helpless and dependent than ever and certainly not grateful or loving. She has burned her bridges with the entire family. We are done digging into our retirement and ready to move on. We gave her to God. Only He can make a difference. We tried. Kay blew every chance we gave her. Rescuing her did not help her. She is in a place of near homelessness now with a husband and child. Family on both sides will take in the child, but not her. I feel, with a heavy heart, that this is better than another rescue. She needs to learn to live without us. We can't live forever. </p><p></p><p>We also have two nice adult kids who we pushed aside for Kay. This hurt them. No more. She is past 30. It is time for her to have to do it herself. She has the ability. She just would rather others do it. We are done. Yes, it is hard, but the stress was making us sick and we have other loved ones who want us to live and to enjoy life with them. We will.</p><p></p><p>I do recommend Al Anon AND therapy that is focused on coping with your son as well as living a great life in spite of his struggles. Both resources were lifelines for us. If you believe in a God, lean on Him. Our church family has been amazing as well. </p><p></p><p>God bless and please be well. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Great book.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 751388, member: 23706"] Hi. I think the same things, although my daughter had a perfect life with a similar outcome. Funny how that works. Most kids do not get raised by the old school idea of a family these days. Divorce is rampant. Kids have stepparents and blended families and two addresses. Women choose to be single parents these days. The 1950s model family is all but gone. Are all those kids who had more difficult beginnings struggling? Of course not. Now....our family was like the 1950s perfect family, although Kay is adopted and that is a factor. But Kay had a stereotypically good foundation. Guess what? It didn't matter. She is 33 and floundering. Badly. And she is not at all nice to us unless we are handing out money. We feel used and sad. Do not blame yourself. I am in Al Anon. I learned I cant tell someone else what to do, but I can share my experience. We no longer give Kay a dime. We once bought her a house, then a mobile home when the house went south, paid rent when the mobile home did not work out, bought cars, paid her bills, you name it. For Kay it just made her more helpless and dependent than ever and certainly not grateful or loving. She has burned her bridges with the entire family. We are done digging into our retirement and ready to move on. We gave her to God. Only He can make a difference. We tried. Kay blew every chance we gave her. Rescuing her did not help her. She is in a place of near homelessness now with a husband and child. Family on both sides will take in the child, but not her. I feel, with a heavy heart, that this is better than another rescue. She needs to learn to live without us. We can't live forever. We also have two nice adult kids who we pushed aside for Kay. This hurt them. No more. She is past 30. It is time for her to have to do it herself. She has the ability. She just would rather others do it. We are done. Yes, it is hard, but the stress was making us sick and we have other loved ones who want us to live and to enjoy life with them. We will. I do recommend Al Anon AND therapy that is focused on coping with your son as well as living a great life in spite of his struggles. Both resources were lifelines for us. If you believe in a God, lean on Him. Our church family has been amazing as well. God bless and please be well. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Great book. [/QUOTE]
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