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<blockquote data-quote="NervousNelly" data-source="post: 449619" data-attributes="member: 12506"><p>Oh boy...you all have said some powerful things and it's really made me sit up and listen. Thank you for your honesty and concern.</p><p></p><p>My daugher is 29...will be 30 in a couple of months. And a correction...she's been addicted 12, not 17, years (I was never very good at math!). Not that that matters. And you are correct; she does not share household expenses and doesn't help around the house much unless I ask her to. If I ask her, she is more than willing to do it. Her 2nd arrest I bailed her out on the condition she paid me back immediately. Of course it never happened. I have made it clear to her now if she's arrested again, no bail from me (the 1st arrest her boyfriend bailed her out, but he's out of the picture now thank God!) and I will stand by that no matter how painful. </p><p></p><p>I am realizing more and more that I am such an enabler. I never realized that before; always thought I was protecting or taking care of her; helping her. I am seeing that I am doing no such thing and probably only hurting her chances of getting sober. We do not trust her in our home anymore, but feel that we have no choice since we have to work and she has no place to go. We have been fortunate in that nothing has been stolen other than some credit cards her boyfriend stole while we were on vacation. So far, she hasn't resorted to stealing from us. </p><p></p><p>She doesn't seem to be using while at home. It's only when she leaves for a few days to "stay with friends" that she uses, so she's only using about once or twice a week. I use the word "only" very lightly. I have gone thru her room a couple of times since the last arrest and find nothing to hint she's using at home. No pipes, no little baggies, no other paraphenalia. I have made it clear she is not to have that stuff in our house. Don't know if she'll continue to honor that or not. Probably not at some point.</p><p></p><p>I will be attending an alanon meeting next week. husband and I discussed it, and he's not comfortable with the alanon group thing, but I have no problem with it so I will be attending. I've also purchased a couple of books "At Wit's End" and "Enabler". I've heard those are powerful books and will be reading them. </p><p></p><p>I never considered her bipolar diagnoses possibly being the result of drug use. I'm going to speak with her about that and ask if she was using during the time she was diagnosed. She seems to be honest with me lately, so I'm going to take advantage of that. Her current therapist does know that she uses.</p><p></p><p>I am getting more and more uncomfortable and more and more paniced as this progresses. It keeps going thru my head "she's my daughter...I can't abandon her. I can't kick her out" while at the same time I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good. I guess in other words, I don't know what the frack to do. I think in my head I know, but I'm just not strong enough yet to do it. </p><p></p><p>PatriotGirl, I look forward to hearing back from you. Again, thank you all so much. You have really helped to give me things to think about that I hadn't considered before. </p><p></p><p>I'm so sad <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="NervousNelly, post: 449619, member: 12506"] Oh boy...you all have said some powerful things and it's really made me sit up and listen. Thank you for your honesty and concern. My daugher is 29...will be 30 in a couple of months. And a correction...she's been addicted 12, not 17, years (I was never very good at math!). Not that that matters. And you are correct; she does not share household expenses and doesn't help around the house much unless I ask her to. If I ask her, she is more than willing to do it. Her 2nd arrest I bailed her out on the condition she paid me back immediately. Of course it never happened. I have made it clear to her now if she's arrested again, no bail from me (the 1st arrest her boyfriend bailed her out, but he's out of the picture now thank God!) and I will stand by that no matter how painful. I am realizing more and more that I am such an enabler. I never realized that before; always thought I was protecting or taking care of her; helping her. I am seeing that I am doing no such thing and probably only hurting her chances of getting sober. We do not trust her in our home anymore, but feel that we have no choice since we have to work and she has no place to go. We have been fortunate in that nothing has been stolen other than some credit cards her boyfriend stole while we were on vacation. So far, she hasn't resorted to stealing from us. She doesn't seem to be using while at home. It's only when she leaves for a few days to "stay with friends" that she uses, so she's only using about once or twice a week. I use the word "only" very lightly. I have gone thru her room a couple of times since the last arrest and find nothing to hint she's using at home. No pipes, no little baggies, no other paraphenalia. I have made it clear she is not to have that stuff in our house. Don't know if she'll continue to honor that or not. Probably not at some point. I will be attending an alanon meeting next week. husband and I discussed it, and he's not comfortable with the alanon group thing, but I have no problem with it so I will be attending. I've also purchased a couple of books "At Wit's End" and "Enabler". I've heard those are powerful books and will be reading them. I never considered her bipolar diagnoses possibly being the result of drug use. I'm going to speak with her about that and ask if she was using during the time she was diagnosed. She seems to be honest with me lately, so I'm going to take advantage of that. Her current therapist does know that she uses. I am getting more and more uncomfortable and more and more paniced as this progresses. It keeps going thru my head "she's my daughter...I can't abandon her. I can't kick her out" while at the same time I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good. I guess in other words, I don't know what the frack to do. I think in my head I know, but I'm just not strong enough yet to do it. PatriotGirl, I look forward to hearing back from you. Again, thank you all so much. You have really helped to give me things to think about that I hadn't considered before. I'm so sad :( [/QUOTE]
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