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How do you handle clueless questions about your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow" data-source="post: 374364" data-attributes="member: 8405"><p>This past Christmas my hubby and I went "back home" 1,000 miles away from the smallish community where we live and have raised our family. </p><p></p><p>Your same question plagued me before our visit. </p><p></p><p> I didn't want to say...</p><p></p><p>"Our adopted daughter had my husband arrested because he (palm of his hand) slapped her face ONCE after she was hysterically cursing us out because we dared to ask her about the drug paraphernalia she was (not hiding) displaying in our home. The arresting officer apologized saying that Domestic Violence laws had recently been changed and if our difficult child-daughter had been under 18, the slap would have been viewed as "parental discipline" but new stricter laws required the officer to take my husband in. I turned down the "kind" officer's offer to have that same daughter arrested that night under the same law for closed-fist-punching her underage sibling. I asked people we mistakenly thought were "friends" to look after our then 2-mos from 18 year old adopted-son because I couldn't trust that son in our home after hearing his perspective about the situation. He sided with his sister believing we had no right to question anything they do. (WHAT?!!!) The adopteds had been joining forces "triangulating" against us as their parents since difficult child-daughter dropped out of college a year and a half prior. I couldn't close my eyes to sleep one minute in my own home knowing my son was under my roof. The adopteds have since been running around our town claiming to have lived a lifetime of abuse at our hands. The adopteds remain estranged by their choice from us. (but our bio-kid remains loving and attached and was raised in the same house by the same parents... hmmm) The adopteds are local celebrities for 'all their sorrows.' Our 'church friends' are praying for us ...prayers of 'tsk tsk Lord, ain't it a shame! You always hear about these stories of hidden abuse... and here it was right under our own noses... and we never suspected a thing!' </p><p> Thanks so much for asking... and Merry Christmas to you!" </p><p></p><p>At that point, NO ONE BACK-HOME HAD HEARD ANYTHING regarding what was going on... unless I told them. I had only told my parents and one brother and some dear friends. I'm from a big family... I've got a ton of siblings... aunts uncles cousins... nieces nephews... So many of the neighbors who attended our wedding still live in my parent's neighborhood! This would have been our first trip up since the adoption without our adopteds. </p><p></p><p>The details of our heartbreak isn't exactly something a Proud Grandmother wants to shout from the rooftops! I didn't want to send news of it ahead in a thanksgiving season Christmas card. </p><p></p><p>When people asked about our upcoming visit... Mom had been telling family & friends she "didn't know if the adopted grand-kids would be traveling with us... their jobs may prevent them from coming." I wanted my husband and I to enjoy the holidays as much as possible. </p><p></p><p>As I prayed for an honest brief response that wouldn't require us to dwell on the topic for any length of time. </p><p></p><p>I felt led to give this answer to anyone who asked... </p><p><span style="font-size: 22px">"Every professional we have spoken to tells us our children are going through something very common to adopted children. It breaks our heart." </span></p><p><span style="font-size: 22px"><span style="font-size: 12px">Every bit of it is true. It was a perfect response! EVERY SINGLE PERSON we gave that answer to said... "Oh, I know families with similar heartaches! They have only ever poured love into their children's lives. </span></span>I'm so sorry!" </p><p></p><p>I have since found out how EPIC attachment issues can be in Adopted individuals even if they have not been diagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) . I am ashamed of our adopteds' behavior and choices... I recognize it is mental illness. I'm praying for their health and well being. </p><p></p><p>I'm not ashamed of how we have parented them!</p><p></p><p>I learned in hindsight our adopted's behaviors were almost as if they had been checking off the <u>Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) list of symptoms</u> as their personal "to do" list. I'm trying to educate as many people as I can about this variety of mental illness so other people who have opened their hearts and homes to love and raise adopted children can get the community support they need and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adoptees can be encouraged by the community surrounding adopted families to take steps that would encourage Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) individuals to walk in mental health.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, post: 374364, member: 8405"] This past Christmas my hubby and I went "back home" 1,000 miles away from the smallish community where we live and have raised our family. Your same question plagued me before our visit. I didn't want to say... "Our adopted daughter had my husband arrested because he (palm of his hand) slapped her face ONCE after she was hysterically cursing us out because we dared to ask her about the drug paraphernalia she was (not hiding) displaying in our home. The arresting officer apologized saying that Domestic Violence laws had recently been changed and if our difficult child-daughter had been under 18, the slap would have been viewed as "parental discipline" but new stricter laws required the officer to take my husband in. I turned down the "kind" officer's offer to have that same daughter arrested that night under the same law for closed-fist-punching her underage sibling. I asked people we mistakenly thought were "friends" to look after our then 2-mos from 18 year old adopted-son because I couldn't trust that son in our home after hearing his perspective about the situation. He sided with his sister believing we had no right to question anything they do. (WHAT?!!!) The adopteds had been joining forces "triangulating" against us as their parents since difficult child-daughter dropped out of college a year and a half prior. I couldn't close my eyes to sleep one minute in my own home knowing my son was under my roof. The adopteds have since been running around our town claiming to have lived a lifetime of abuse at our hands. The adopteds remain estranged by their choice from us. (but our bio-kid remains loving and attached and was raised in the same house by the same parents... hmmm) The adopteds are local celebrities for 'all their sorrows.' Our 'church friends' are praying for us ...prayers of 'tsk tsk Lord, ain't it a shame! You always hear about these stories of hidden abuse... and here it was right under our own noses... and we never suspected a thing!' Thanks so much for asking... and Merry Christmas to you!" At that point, NO ONE BACK-HOME HAD HEARD ANYTHING regarding what was going on... unless I told them. I had only told my parents and one brother and some dear friends. I'm from a big family... I've got a ton of siblings... aunts uncles cousins... nieces nephews... So many of the neighbors who attended our wedding still live in my parent's neighborhood! This would have been our first trip up since the adoption without our adopteds. The details of our heartbreak isn't exactly something a Proud Grandmother wants to shout from the rooftops! I didn't want to send news of it ahead in a thanksgiving season Christmas card. When people asked about our upcoming visit... Mom had been telling family & friends she "didn't know if the adopted grand-kids would be traveling with us... their jobs may prevent them from coming." I wanted my husband and I to enjoy the holidays as much as possible. As I prayed for an honest brief response that wouldn't require us to dwell on the topic for any length of time. I felt led to give this answer to anyone who asked... [SIZE=6]"Every professional we have spoken to tells us our children are going through something very common to adopted children. It breaks our heart." [SIZE=3]Every bit of it is true. It was a perfect response! EVERY SINGLE PERSON we gave that answer to said... "Oh, I know families with similar heartaches! They have only ever poured love into their children's lives. [/SIZE][/SIZE]I'm so sorry!" I have since found out how EPIC attachment issues can be in Adopted individuals even if they have not been diagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) . I am ashamed of our adopteds' behavior and choices... I recognize it is mental illness. I'm praying for their health and well being. I'm not ashamed of how we have parented them! I learned in hindsight our adopted's behaviors were almost as if they had been checking off the [U]Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) list of symptoms[/U] as their personal "to do" list. I'm trying to educate as many people as I can about this variety of mental illness so other people who have opened their hearts and homes to love and raise adopted children can get the community support they need and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adoptees can be encouraged by the community surrounding adopted families to take steps that would encourage Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) individuals to walk in mental health. [/QUOTE]
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