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General Parenting
How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 457267" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>orcaauntie...</p><p>Take a deep breath. Slow down. You're getting caught in the 'fix the behavior' trap. (not uncommon, by the way)</p><p></p><p>No, you do NOT know that her hanging out with her best friend causes so much of her behavior.</p><p>Maybe they are best friends because they share similar behavior?</p><p>Maybe there are other reasons.</p><p>This friend could drop dead tomorrow - or her family could move half-way across the world, and I will guarantee that your niece's behavior will not change as a result.</p><p>Therefore... that is NOT the cause.</p><p></p><p>You can't fix the behavior <strong><u><em>until you know the cause</em></u></strong>. Because... what you do to "fix" it is totally different depending on the cause.</p><p></p><p>If the siding on your house is rotting, it doesn't help to paint it. You have to replace the siding. (but its amazing how many corrupt contractors and renovators will try to get away with painting over rot)</p><p>If your kid has behavior problems, even IF you manage to force change, it will always backfire, because... the underlying problem has not been dealt with.</p><p></p><p>We all want fast fixes. The problems are huge. The downsides are even bigger. We're watching those we love "drop over the side of the cliff".</p><p>But the fast fixes don't work.</p><p></p><p>Maybe some of the other warrior moms have some armour you and your mom can borrow... you're gonna need it.</p><p>It will be a huge fight to get to the bottom of the problem.</p><p>"Because it really isn't that serious a problem"... (ya right! - when am I supposed to call... when she's dead? my mom's dead? really!)</p><p></p><p>I hear ya. I feel for ya. Its no fun.</p><p>And its really tough at first to wrap your brain around the fact that these really PITA kids are really not wanting to be that way. Its a call for help.</p><p>And yes, they push away the help they need - because THEY don't understand what is happening either. But its still a call for help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 457267, member: 11791"] orcaauntie... Take a deep breath. Slow down. You're getting caught in the 'fix the behavior' trap. (not uncommon, by the way) No, you do NOT know that her hanging out with her best friend causes so much of her behavior. Maybe they are best friends because they share similar behavior? Maybe there are other reasons. This friend could drop dead tomorrow - or her family could move half-way across the world, and I will guarantee that your niece's behavior will not change as a result. Therefore... that is NOT the cause. You can't fix the behavior [B][U][I]until you know the cause[/I][/U][/B]. Because... what you do to "fix" it is totally different depending on the cause. If the siding on your house is rotting, it doesn't help to paint it. You have to replace the siding. (but its amazing how many corrupt contractors and renovators will try to get away with painting over rot) If your kid has behavior problems, even IF you manage to force change, it will always backfire, because... the underlying problem has not been dealt with. We all want fast fixes. The problems are huge. The downsides are even bigger. We're watching those we love "drop over the side of the cliff". But the fast fixes don't work. Maybe some of the other warrior moms have some armour you and your mom can borrow... you're gonna need it. It will be a huge fight to get to the bottom of the problem. "Because it really isn't that serious a problem"... (ya right! - when am I supposed to call... when she's dead? my mom's dead? really!) I hear ya. I feel for ya. Its no fun. And its really tough at first to wrap your brain around the fact that these really PITA kids are really not wanting to be that way. Its a call for help. And yes, they push away the help they need - because THEY don't understand what is happening either. But its still a call for help. [/QUOTE]
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How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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