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General Parenting
How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 457306" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The ultimate cause still may not be the best friend but as you have observed, having daily contact with the friend does seem to be aggravating things. But as has already been said - if your niece is going off the rails anyway, she will seek out the sort of friend who enables her and validates her. This validation is what makes her worse, and she is actively seeking it out. Remove one such friend and another five will come out of the woodwork.</p><p></p><p>I have found that taking things away generally does not help, but it does depend on the child and the circumstances. Instead, keep her busy. If she is too busy to spend as much time with friend, that is good. But where possible, keep her busy with things she is happier doing. So it could involve taking her to the mall, or somewhere (preferably away from people, so mall may be a bad example) where she is not likely to meet her friend. Also - if she wants to spend time with her friend, invite the friend around so all contact is supervised. It is possible to keep the occasion pleasant - let the girls watch a movie and make popcorn for them, watch the movie with them and discuss it with them. Engage the friend also, befriend her, make your home a welcoming place for her so friend actually wants to spend time there. Or if friend continues to lead difficult child astray, difficult child hopefully can begin to see that friend is not being reasonable.</p><p></p><p>As for the really bad behaviour - natural consequences. You broke the phone? You can't have another until it is paid for. Alternative - get her a Tic Talk phone, they're tough plus very limited in what they can do. I think you can also track them online to see where the child (or at least their phone) is, geographically. They're a phone for little kiddies who are just starting out with a mobile phone and can't be trusted with them. But they are a way for you and them to stay in touch with one another. But a Tic Talk can only call previously programmed numbers as agreed by supervising parent. And it can't text or access the internet.</p><p></p><p>Just a few thoughts. But if the girl has been allowed far too much freedom, clamping down too far too suddenly will cause rebellion and she will move beyond safe boundaries very quickly. It is better to apply more limited controls for longer, than to lose control and influence entirely, if she runs away.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 457306, member: 1991"] The ultimate cause still may not be the best friend but as you have observed, having daily contact with the friend does seem to be aggravating things. But as has already been said - if your niece is going off the rails anyway, she will seek out the sort of friend who enables her and validates her. This validation is what makes her worse, and she is actively seeking it out. Remove one such friend and another five will come out of the woodwork. I have found that taking things away generally does not help, but it does depend on the child and the circumstances. Instead, keep her busy. If she is too busy to spend as much time with friend, that is good. But where possible, keep her busy with things she is happier doing. So it could involve taking her to the mall, or somewhere (preferably away from people, so mall may be a bad example) where she is not likely to meet her friend. Also - if she wants to spend time with her friend, invite the friend around so all contact is supervised. It is possible to keep the occasion pleasant - let the girls watch a movie and make popcorn for them, watch the movie with them and discuss it with them. Engage the friend also, befriend her, make your home a welcoming place for her so friend actually wants to spend time there. Or if friend continues to lead difficult child astray, difficult child hopefully can begin to see that friend is not being reasonable. As for the really bad behaviour - natural consequences. You broke the phone? You can't have another until it is paid for. Alternative - get her a Tic Talk phone, they're tough plus very limited in what they can do. I think you can also track them online to see where the child (or at least their phone) is, geographically. They're a phone for little kiddies who are just starting out with a mobile phone and can't be trusted with them. But they are a way for you and them to stay in touch with one another. But a Tic Talk can only call previously programmed numbers as agreed by supervising parent. And it can't text or access the internet. Just a few thoughts. But if the girl has been allowed far too much freedom, clamping down too far too suddenly will cause rebellion and she will move beyond safe boundaries very quickly. It is better to apply more limited controls for longer, than to lose control and influence entirely, if she runs away. Marg [/QUOTE]
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