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General Parenting
How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 457371" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>Ok, Orcaauntie...</p><p></p><p>Time for some "old mama" advice... looks like I'm even older than your Mom... and I've got two teenagers still in school.</p><p></p><p>At "our age", there's only two options - and if you have any "old-fashioned values" left in you, only one - so I'll do that option last.</p><p></p><p>1) Get "with the program". Learn to think like the other Moms. Figure out technology and how to make use of it. Go with the flow. (that was NOT me)</p><p></p><p>2) Make "home" the absolutely best place to be and "family" the absolutely best people to be with. Sounds counter-intuitive. You're dealing with behavior issues. So were we. BIG TIME. So... all of this "nice" stuff has to be done with NO STRINGS ATTACHED (other than logical consequences if absolutely necessary). We don't do fun stuff because the kids are being or have been good. We do the really, really fun stuff just because "that's what we do as a family". You'll have to find your own list... and what goes on that list depends on interests, talents and budget. We broke the bank... and will probably still be working 10 years after we're supposed to retire, but... </p><p></p><p>FUN STUFF:</p><p>Anything that at least TWO people in the family think is "high value" and at least one other "doesn't mind".</p><p>For us, that's: outdoors, pets, music, food, and "hands-on adult-level learning".</p><p>We have enough instruments to support a band - and only 3 of us play.</p><p>The dogs cost as much as music lessons do.</p><p>The food costs less - we're learning to make gourmet meals together... and husband loves every minute of eating ALL of it!</p><p></p><p>Its not about a jam-packed schedule. Kids need time for real life (i.e. homework, music or sports practice, etc.) AND down-time.</p><p>But there has to be enough going on at home that they WANT to be involved in, and WANT to include their friends in if possible.</p><p>You have to be the absolutely "neatest" home base - not "coolest", as you won't get there. "Neatest" as in, really different but really fun.</p><p>"Lets go over to kiddo's house and see if his mom will let you try the Tuba". A garage full of engine parts. A craft room with 8 different types of sewing machines. A home gym. Three boats, four life-jackets and 16 paddles. (hands-on adult-level activites...) You get the picture.</p><p></p><p>(yes we broke the bank. no we're not rich... 99.9% of this stuff was purchased VERY used but in good condition, and that doesn't spoil ANY of the fun - oh the stories I could tell!)</p><p></p><p>Don't copy MY list. Your family will have to find their own list... But the point is... fun, high-value, family-oriented activities re-build relationships - and teens NEED these relationships for at least the next 20 years.</p><p>While we're at it... gourmet breakfasts - sit-down all-hands-on-deck gourmet breakfasts are a great way to start the day. Guarantees everyone eats well to start the day off with, and good family bonding time besides.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 457371, member: 11791"] Ok, Orcaauntie... Time for some "old mama" advice... looks like I'm even older than your Mom... and I've got two teenagers still in school. At "our age", there's only two options - and if you have any "old-fashioned values" left in you, only one - so I'll do that option last. 1) Get "with the program". Learn to think like the other Moms. Figure out technology and how to make use of it. Go with the flow. (that was NOT me) 2) Make "home" the absolutely best place to be and "family" the absolutely best people to be with. Sounds counter-intuitive. You're dealing with behavior issues. So were we. BIG TIME. So... all of this "nice" stuff has to be done with NO STRINGS ATTACHED (other than logical consequences if absolutely necessary). We don't do fun stuff because the kids are being or have been good. We do the really, really fun stuff just because "that's what we do as a family". You'll have to find your own list... and what goes on that list depends on interests, talents and budget. We broke the bank... and will probably still be working 10 years after we're supposed to retire, but... FUN STUFF: Anything that at least TWO people in the family think is "high value" and at least one other "doesn't mind". For us, that's: outdoors, pets, music, food, and "hands-on adult-level learning". We have enough instruments to support a band - and only 3 of us play. The dogs cost as much as music lessons do. The food costs less - we're learning to make gourmet meals together... and husband loves every minute of eating ALL of it! Its not about a jam-packed schedule. Kids need time for real life (i.e. homework, music or sports practice, etc.) AND down-time. But there has to be enough going on at home that they WANT to be involved in, and WANT to include their friends in if possible. You have to be the absolutely "neatest" home base - not "coolest", as you won't get there. "Neatest" as in, really different but really fun. "Lets go over to kiddo's house and see if his mom will let you try the Tuba". A garage full of engine parts. A craft room with 8 different types of sewing machines. A home gym. Three boats, four life-jackets and 16 paddles. (hands-on adult-level activites...) You get the picture. (yes we broke the bank. no we're not rich... 99.9% of this stuff was purchased VERY used but in good condition, and that doesn't spoil ANY of the fun - oh the stories I could tell!) Don't copy MY list. Your family will have to find their own list... But the point is... fun, high-value, family-oriented activities re-build relationships - and teens NEED these relationships for at least the next 20 years. While we're at it... gourmet breakfasts - sit-down all-hands-on-deck gourmet breakfasts are a great way to start the day. Guarantees everyone eats well to start the day off with, and good family bonding time besides. [/QUOTE]
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