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General Parenting
How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 457406" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I respectfully disagree, mrsammler. It really does depend on the child, and for a lot of kids whose families have come here, it is BECAUSE the usual stuff that works for "normal" people, backfires badly here. It's a matter of finding the balance, and developing something consistent (and generally positive) that works.</p><p></p><p>For example, if you react with distress, anger or hurt every time your DIFFICULT child (not typical of 99% of the population) calls you a nasty name, you are actually teaching the child to continue to call you those names. But the name calling is generally not the primary problem. There is often frustration or anger underlying it, and if you can identify why and help them deal with it more appropriately (without necessarily reacting but also sending a message that dealing with it is better, name calling is not) then you still achieve the aim of stopping the disrespect, but also you end up working more directly on the cause.</p><p></p><p>orcaauntie, you said </p><p></p><p>Every little bit helps, often more than you realise. Merely seeing your mom's example could be enough to break through. Sometimes it's all we can do, and sometimes it's all that is needed.</p><p></p><p>And another thought - you're writing multiple replies which is okay with us, but could be making more work for you than you need. We can all see every reply, if you address different paragraphs to different people, for example, we'll work out who you're talking to!</p><p></p><p>Have you got your mother introduced to this site? If she joins here or even lurks here, she might find it really boosts the unity between you two, on how to cope with this girl. It works for me and my husband, as well as other family members on this site.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 457406, member: 1991"] I respectfully disagree, mrsammler. It really does depend on the child, and for a lot of kids whose families have come here, it is BECAUSE the usual stuff that works for "normal" people, backfires badly here. It's a matter of finding the balance, and developing something consistent (and generally positive) that works. For example, if you react with distress, anger or hurt every time your DIFFICULT child (not typical of 99% of the population) calls you a nasty name, you are actually teaching the child to continue to call you those names. But the name calling is generally not the primary problem. There is often frustration or anger underlying it, and if you can identify why and help them deal with it more appropriately (without necessarily reacting but also sending a message that dealing with it is better, name calling is not) then you still achieve the aim of stopping the disrespect, but also you end up working more directly on the cause. orcaauntie, you said Every little bit helps, often more than you realise. Merely seeing your mom's example could be enough to break through. Sometimes it's all we can do, and sometimes it's all that is needed. And another thought - you're writing multiple replies which is okay with us, but could be making more work for you than you need. We can all see every reply, if you address different paragraphs to different people, for example, we'll work out who you're talking to! Have you got your mother introduced to this site? If she joins here or even lurks here, she might find it really boosts the unity between you two, on how to cope with this girl. It works for me and my husband, as well as other family members on this site. Marg [/QUOTE]
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How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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