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How do you know when parents shouldn't be...
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 71179" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I second seeing a counselor. This really sounds like one of those times you're going to have to find a way to let go. Some relationships are just toxic, even some between parents and child. </p><p></p><p>My father died when I was in my early teens. As awful as it sounds, it was the best thing that could have happened. I would have hated him as an adult. He, too, was an alcoholic. I remember how much I loved him and how distant he was. Today, I can love the man but I know I would have walked away from the drunk.</p><p></p><p>My mother and I are truly toxic. She hated that I adopted a child. She hated that my daughter wasn't perfect. For 6 years straight, I heard nothing but that I should send her back. I finally cut her off. I will see her on occasion for lunch or something. I will not go to her house and she is not invited to mine. I call her once a week to make sure she is okay but I won't chat with her or be friendly. In other words, I am a dutiful but not a loving daughter.</p><p></p><p>It took four years of intensive counseling for me to understand that I had done the right thing to survive regarding my parents. It took me another year or so to forgive myself. Today, I am content with the relationship I have with my mother. It works for both of us. It is not what I wanted but it is what I needed. I've accepted that.</p><p></p><p>You have to find your own way to accept your parents as they are. They are not going to become the loving, caring parents you want. It's not in them and it is their loss. They've tossed away two daughters and lost their grandchildren. Maybe one day they will see this but, until they do, you need to find a way to accept them as they are. Mourn the parents you dreamt of but didn't get. Get help to get through this. Find surrogate parents. You really can pick your friends but not your family.</p><p></p><p>HUGS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 71179, member: 3626"] I second seeing a counselor. This really sounds like one of those times you're going to have to find a way to let go. Some relationships are just toxic, even some between parents and child. My father died when I was in my early teens. As awful as it sounds, it was the best thing that could have happened. I would have hated him as an adult. He, too, was an alcoholic. I remember how much I loved him and how distant he was. Today, I can love the man but I know I would have walked away from the drunk. My mother and I are truly toxic. She hated that I adopted a child. She hated that my daughter wasn't perfect. For 6 years straight, I heard nothing but that I should send her back. I finally cut her off. I will see her on occasion for lunch or something. I will not go to her house and she is not invited to mine. I call her once a week to make sure she is okay but I won't chat with her or be friendly. In other words, I am a dutiful but not a loving daughter. It took four years of intensive counseling for me to understand that I had done the right thing to survive regarding my parents. It took me another year or so to forgive myself. Today, I am content with the relationship I have with my mother. It works for both of us. It is not what I wanted but it is what I needed. I've accepted that. You have to find your own way to accept your parents as they are. They are not going to become the loving, caring parents you want. It's not in them and it is their loss. They've tossed away two daughters and lost their grandchildren. Maybe one day they will see this but, until they do, you need to find a way to accept them as they are. Mourn the parents you dreamt of but didn't get. Get help to get through this. Find surrogate parents. You really can pick your friends but not your family. HUGS [/QUOTE]
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